It's real hard, Imom. I have a similar vanilla setting, as it were. Toughest for me was that my son was very good friends with one of the few african american kids in the school yet was still telling ethnic jokes. I tried to suggest to him that was grossly insensitive to the kid, who is a wonderful human being and spent a lot of time at our house as his father was dying. We were a bit of a refuge for him.

It's tough in that it is more likely driven from lack of awareness than from any sense of mean spiritedness.

Well, haven't they seen Carlos Mencia on the Comedy Channel?

Oh, wait, please make sure they don't get a chance to watch that foux-tard. Good luck down there Ann:)

In my heart I totally agree about it being lack of awareness. It's just so hard to swallow and it's gotten to a boiling point, you know ... that place where you just want to reach out and touch somebody! Thanks for sharing that story Wooly :) You are such good poeple!!!

Nana ~ BITE YOUR TONGUE!!! haha ... thank heavens, NO ... but again, as far as I know ~ let's just pray NOT!!!

Let me say this about that:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnOyMSEWNTs

... and the times they are a changin' ! Soon I hope.

When you are in AL, you might consider visiting the Birmingham Civil Rights Museum.

It's hard even in a multicultural setting because the kids get to see and hear the bigotry every day — here, for example, "drunkIndian" is one word — but for what it's worth, here's what we do.

1) We have really strict standards about how members of our family will act. The kids can have opinions, they can ask questions and challenge us, but they will treat everyone with respect, period, and we won't let anyone treat them disrespectfully.

2) When confronted with differences, we talk about why we've made the choices we've made, why those choices may not have been available to others, and why some people make wrong choices. Empathy can be hard to instill when other people's lives are so very different from what's familiar to the kids, but that usually works.

3) We try to help them analyze what's made them uncomfortable and separate what was just different from what was really wrong behavior that we definitely don't want them to adopt. It's often better if they come to that understanding on their own, because, for example, it's really awkward for me to say, "I think it's really important for parents to take care of their kids" to a kid who wouldn't be in my family if his/her parents had done that.

In the end, I've come to believe that what we say helps but our kids generally mimic what we do, so it's really, really important (for me; not saying this is true for you) to have a clear line between analyzing the results of people's behavior and judging the people.

It's one of the BIG reasons we stopped regularly attending the church we loved. Anybody without an SUV and 2.5 kids, white and straight between 30-45 ---was just gone. They all died or went away.
And it's not that the folks aren't nice people. They are. Am very fond of many f them. (Others not so much) But diversity is just a concept. I'd be really interested in others takes on this as well. . .

1IMom,
My kids grew up in lily white enviorns too. And they still do. My son lives in Lincoln, NE and my daughter lives in your "neck of the woods" in Sunrise Beach, MO. But, they grew up in an environment where people were people. You know as well as I that your children mirror your behavior and attitudes. Consequently they will be looking to you on your upcoming trip through Misssissippi and Alabama. It should be a fun and interesting trip. Answer their questions. Show them "the good, the bad and the ugly." You're just fine in your approach to other ethnicities and nationalities. Because of that, they will be too.

Uh, I got nothing here.

seCURITY!!! Complicated post - she's gotta GO.

Wishing to be a "at home mom while raising my sons in Grinnell, IA, (hardly the diversity capital of the Midwest) I provided day care pre-school services in my home for 13 years. Amazingly, as a result, my boys formed early and lasting friendships with Jonathan (African-American), Stacey and Sarah (Korean) and Michael (dwarfism). Their grandparents' town had a significant Hispanic population and they formed playmate bonds within that culture, as well. I have never noticed a modicum of "otherness thought" in my now adult sons. I'm heartened to hear that you are consciously attempting to expose your children to the textures, traditions and beauty of our national melting pot. Bravo!
--rated--

First, I'm going to pass this on to my 39 year old son and his wife who are rasing two boys, 5 and 7. Then I am going to the nearest church, synagogue or mosque and thank God, et.al. that my kid is fully grown ... and out of the nest!

FYI: There might still be hidden valleys in the Rockies where satellite can't reach. I'd consider moving there. Good luck, I-mom!

I hope we run into her in Vegas. If we do I might have to teach that little bitch about stealing my seCURITY line (that my homeboys and I have been using since at least the early 80s) and mangling all up with her pro-nown-ci-ay-shun. I gots me some bon for her little qui qui, let me tell u.

The best approach might be inoculation. Children should be told that contemporary media culture is an abomination. There is almost nothing on television, at the movies, or on the radio that is worth watching or listening to. In fact, I would argue that one of the most important roles for a parent is to protect children from the ambient culture.

Where on earth did you find that UK? Thanks! :)

Tell me about it MM!

Great idea, Hoop Jr. We've got a lot planned along the way.

High Lonesome, thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I'm just at my wits end. This whole thing is just totally out of sync with the rest of her personality. The child is one of the most compassionate people I know. We have a no-BonQuiQui rule now and so far, so good ...

Great point Roger ... all kinds of diversity, not just black/white. There is a lot of homophobia here as well and just try explaining that to a teenager. For the most part, I think she understands, but anything not exactly like you described the mommy/daddy/2.5/SUV/golden retriever is so far outside of what she knows. I'm looking forward to more responses as well.

Thanks for the confidence Walter! I think in the end it will all be fine, it's just a feeling of panic I get right now when they come out with something like that. :)

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh BILL S!!! that is sooooooo bad!!! BAD BILL S! BAD BILL S!

If you'd like some real suggestions, you might cross post this on Anti-Racist Parent, a great diversity blog.

I would be interested in hearing your explanation of *why* the skit isn't funny since it seems to be something that they are not getting.

Ah, yes, the unbearable whiteness of being...I know it well. Very timely post for me, IM. Because I live in a community of geriatric white hippies and have no kids of my own, I of course haven't a clue about who Bon Qui Qui is. But I do understand where you're coming from. The only minority folks I see in my neck of the woods are generally on the business end of a mop or a pair of weed whackers. Right now, my husband and I are in the midst of some serious "discussions" (i.e., me pleading and him saying "no way") about moving back to my old hometown of Detroit, which is something like 92% African American and suffering in the worst way, especially with the collapse of the auto industry. But there's an exciting movement afoot to turn the city into an agricultural zone and I'd really like to be part of it. And you can buy a beautiful home there for what Californians spend on a fairly modest bathroom remodel. We're going back in August to check it out further and I will report back.

Any chance you could relocate?

ps glad you put the grumpy avatar back up.

I'll get back to you guys up top in a bit, but right now, let me answer teendoc's question. In the context of MadTV being a skit show that skewers lots of things and that it's late night humor, I get it ... what I don't think is funny is hearing it in Target or at McDonalds or at my neighbor's pool ... the difference is that outside of the context of that program where it's presented as humor, it just seems like mocking to me ... and that's what I meant by greater consequences ... the consequence of hurting or offending someone even if the intention is completely benign

Well Ann, my kids are a little older (18 and 23) now and both grew up and went to public school in Chapel Hill, NC which is pretty white (non-white diversity here is Asian and then African-American), so I can identify somewhat.

I guess even the outer burbs of Charlotte were a little diverse by your current standards.

I work in schools that are very heterogeneous; however, and the racial stereotypes are just as prevalent for the most part. What is different of course is that my students do meet and become friends with down-to-earth peers of all races, and that helps to mitigate the stereotypes.

My only suggestion is to continue to model the behavior and lessons you want to impart to your children. They really learn the most from modeling you, even though it's not always readily apparent.

On a side note, I found the video to be hilarious (sorry, sorry) primarily because I have students that are exactly like her and the guy at the end. Yes, they are laughable, and most times when I meet their parent(s), guess what?

I enjoyed your post, fo shizzle. Hang in there!

OK....so I have started posting three times and deleted them each time. George Lopez isn't a stereotype. Everything he says reminds me of living in the South Valley in Albuquerque. And although the character may be extreme and over-exaggerated, but one of my favorite burger places in Las Cruces NM was mostly staffed by women with prison gang tattoos, and well.....


If you want to know about diversity try stopping by the place with the bars on the windows and a security guard in the parking lot.

Thanks Mothership :) Before you got here, I wrote something about the election ... of course this area is also 70% republican ... so that was some of it, but there was a lot of race stuff happening and it was really hardest on the kids. I hate it when that happens.

Thanks Rod ... I'll look into that ... I love the mountains!

Take 'em to school Lonnie ... :) Thanks!

Dr. Steve ... perhaps a media vaccine is in your future? Call me!

Laurel, I would LOVE to live near you and Moonbeam and Sunnypants and get my glands expressed a couple times a month and drink that homemade wine!!! Wooohoooo!!! Send me a realtor's number :)

Grif, you're hitting on a big part of what I was trying to say, but maybe never said. If Bon Qui Qui was part of her real life experience ... it would be different. If we had a more diverse population here in SW, MO and she had a clear understanding that it's for real, it probably wouldn't bug me as much. Of course, I think her personality would prohibit her from doing it at all under those circumstances - ha! Glad you enjoyed. Good luck out there in the schools!

ocularnervosa :) I guess what I'm worried about is that she has no "real" experiences (like you and Grif) to base her decision making on. It's one dimensional ... funny ... period. Thanks for your input. I appreciate that.

Moving back to this small town after New Orleans, Miami, Atlanta and Chicago was...interesting. The county court house is on the town square and there are Friday Band Concerts in the cool part of the summer. On one visit home we attended and I remember thinking, "Oh my god they are all so white. And part of me was literally concerned about a lynching. Not that there would actually be one but it just had that look to it. It doesn't help that during the patriotic songs section they also played dixie. Scarey.
If it helps I grew up in a sundowner town and have gone on to date two black men one black woman and people of several other races as well. I may sound like a slut but I am an open minded one.

I've done time in diversity, but I'm presently planted in an area of the US that's about as white as yours. There are NO persons of color in this burgh, a place where a Sundown Sign (dis)graced the town limits until twenty years or so ago, a place where a visiting black fisherman was wounded while fishing, and the shooter got off by insisting he thot it was a bear -- I'm not making this up. You can imagine how well-received an Obama supporter like me was around here.

Good luck with your daughter, and the only advice I can give is that it is hard to hate people you actually know.

Wow, that's a tough one... and I've been blessed (at least that's how I see it) enough to grow up in South Florida, which is one of the most racially / culturally diverse places I can imagine. Typically, even in my elementary school classes, there was at least 7 different countries represented... and I'm not talking Ireland, Germany, Sweeden, etc... I mean children (or their parents) actually born in foreign lands...

But the thing is, kids still do that same nonsense here... I think exposure to diversity is only one aspect, and your concern over the matter makes me feel as if you're on the right track to teaching such lessons...

The civil rights musem is definately a great idea. But a friend of mine has a great method, from which I've personnally seen actual results grow...

When ever she has an issue such as yours, she picks a book, internet site, or documentary that her and her son read /watch together. Then she has him write a 1-3 page report (depending on the seriousness of the issue) about what HE personally learned.

It seems to be most effective when she finds those great stories that prove a point... in this case, perhaps some Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou, MLK literature... those that show the struggles these people actually lived through... rather than a character from MAD TV...

Anyhow, thought maybe a different perspective may be helpful.... You go girl for being sure your child recognizes these things! I'm sure she'll get it eventually...

I just had a thought ... I wonder if this is closing in so tightly because of everything in the news right now ... "wise latina woman", the Sessions remarks ... and I just saw this:

Senator Ricky Ricardo? Coburn evokes Lucy show
WASHINGTON – Sen. Tom Coburn evoked a 1950s TV show Wednesday in a quip responding to Sonia Sotomayor's scenario about what he might do if she — hypothetically, of course — attacked him.

"You'll have a lot of 'splainin' to do," Coburn said, to laughter from the crowd and Sotomayor. What he said — and how he said it — was a riff on a Hispanic television character, Ricky Ricardo, whose accent is now widely considered a broad parody.

In the famous 1950s TV show "I Love Lucy," the Cuban bandleader Ricardo (played by the equally Cuban bandleader Desi Arnaz) would often admonish his scatterbrained wife, Lucy, by saying she'd have some "'splainin'" to do. The phrase, "Lucy, you have some 'splainin' to do," has since become part of the popular culture.

Calling Coburn out for this might be going too far — those who know him say he often speaks like this — but it was hard not to notice his inflection and choice of words. At the very least, it suggests a tin ear — particularly when speaking to a woman who would become the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice.

Yvette Melendez, a Glastonbury, Conn., woman attending the hearing, said she winced inwardly when Coburn made his comment but did not feel offended.

"I personally did not think it was appropriate," she said. "But I'm sure he said it as a joke."

****************************************

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ~

1 Irritated: Oh I knew that you got it. What I was wondering was *how* you were explaining it to the kids. That's what I meant, since they clearly are not getting it.

And I was serious about Anti Racist Parent. They often post such queries and give good feedback.

It's a tough call. I know my kid well enough to know that he doesn't buy into stereotypes - people are simply people. Yet some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth is just infuriating; like your kids, he doesn't understand why I'm pissed.

I just started a comment and was told we have to leave for dinner so I'll be back...so many stories brought to mind by this post!

Oh, Man! I don't have any advice, but that video was killer. Still laughing. Okay, My mother was taking my sister with her to visit relatives in Tennessee. They stopped at the Cracker Barrel for breakfast somewhere along the way. As you know, the CB is decorated with all kinds of curiosities and fake old signs that have everything under the sun on them. They peeked my ten year old sister's curiosity so my mother suggested she go and read some of them while they waited for their food. Well one of the signs had the word pickaninny (sp?) on it so my sister shouts over a table of black diners toward my Mother, "Mom! What's a pickaninny?"
I guess my Mom felt like crawling under the table. Now this was a long time ago, but my mother will blush to this day when I recall this story to her. That's all I've got for now.

you could try moving to a tiny, backward hawaiian island when they are the discriminated-against minority. it sure opened my eyes as a kid.

me thinks you might have to move.

tough one. though it can be done. we lived in VT for those formative years with the kids and talk about homo-ethnic. better these days, but then, there was a huge void.

CA was a big change for them and it came at high school time. I think it helped immensely, actually for all of us.

I'm no help at all. sorry! but you aren't alone.

I live in an Asian country where the only African Americans most people see are in music videos and bad comedies. Is it any wonder that they get racist attitudes from this? Eddie Murphy has a lot to answer for....

I think it's a good discussion to have. I have a stream of consciousness thought bubbling here, but I'll try to make it coherent.

I made a conscious descision to raise my children to not have fears based on prejudices, and to have open minds. I remember getting my own lesson (and I thought I knew much) when I went out to get my daughter another "baby" doll, and since she already had two white baby dolls, I figured I would easily find a brown or black baby doll. Wrong. I searched and searched and searched, in the suburbs of SEATTLE of all places, which prides itself on its diversity, and when store clerks asked me who the doll was for, I always told them that it was for my daughter, and that I didn't want her thinking that only one kind of skin was loveable. And that's where I remember starting.
And then I remember consciously buying books about Asian or African American or Latino/a children. We watched a lot of PBS.

I was lucky when we moved out here to the Finger Lakes; my kids were in preschool and then school with children of parents from all over the globe (because of the university), levels of wealth (because of the disparity between the university and town wages), and kids who had two moms or two dads. So, in a lot of ways, I had it easy. I just had to make sure that I did my part--talking about race and sex and homosexuality and religion when those topics came up--even if my kids were little.

And I've wound up staying here for my kids' sake. I like that they can go to a public school with multiple languages being spoken. I like the fact that of my youngest daughter's five closest friends, only one is Anglo-American. She has two friends with Thai parents, one friend whose family has emigrated from Hungary, and a friend who is African-American.
In some ways, if your kids are not living in an area where there's a lot of diversity, it seems to me you have two choices: you create diversity for them, by exposing them via movies, video, tv, books, graphic novels, to other cultures. You talk to them about what's important to you, you let them see you argue with the television spouters of intolerance, and you may have to let them see you deal with a friend who has made an ethnic/sexual slur instead of hoping the kids didn't hear it. (Sorry. I'm not really lecturing, just sort of typing as I'm thinking).
Or, the other choice is that IF your jobs are transferable, then do some research and find a town where you would be more comfortable.
I know how scary it is to think that somehow your kids will absorb the narrowness of what's going on around them. But with your help, they'll transcend it. Because maybe there's really a third choice.

I have the evidence in my college courses, where kids who grew up in small isolated rural towns still come to college believing in civil rights and gay rights and feminism. And they must get it somewhere.
So keep planting the seeds. Buy books and leave them around the house. Show them how to find international news sites on the internet (if they're old enough).
Okay. I 'm sorry. I'll shut up now.

This is somewhat off topic, but I do think some of us get there in another way. I grew up in a small Kansas town where we were all one color, one faith and one socioeconomic level. My parents were (and are) extremely conservative. To their credit, though, they never talked anyone down, and it simply never occurred to us that people who looked different or who acted differenty actually *were* different. I came out of there with such an innate belief in equality that nothing has managed to dislodge it, although conservatives strain it quite a bit. I suspect now that I was raised in that way simply because there were no "different" people around for my parents (and everyone else's parents) to criticize.

Sounds like OS...ooops!

Sorry to be so late. This is a very important post, Ann. I have to agree with Steve Blevins. I hope you can instill the lessons to your daughter in the coming weeks so her attitude shifts. If anyone can, I know it's you. More parents need to read this. Diggit or Reddit, anyone?

Ann- what an important questions, which I have little solution to except my personal experience. This is what I remember as a kid. In 2nd grade they started busing kids into my school and I fell in love with Janice, the first black person I had really gotten to know. I adored everything about her and we were always together at school - and my favorite names for her? Chocolate Cake and Black Widow Spider! Janice never said a thing about it, all I remember is her smile. That makes me cringe today, but I know those names were said out of total ignorance and as a result of parents who taught me no different, not because I was trying to be cruel. Our kids spent their very early years in NH where, at the time, the minority percentage was around 1%, their exposure to non-white populations usually came in trips to Boston. When we moved to MI and their grade school classrooms became more diverse, they had the sweetest and most innocent reactions to the African-American children. Our middle daughter (who was in K at the time) has olive skin unlike the pale skin of her brother and sister. She came home one day and described one of her new friends as "brownish, like me", happy to find someone she felt looked more like her. I have to give our school system a lot of credit for educating my children on the importance of treating everyone with equality, but it is my job as a parent to model and reinforce that (which I am sure you do well!). We watched the movie "Ruby Bridges" together last winter and it was amazing the conversation we had afterwards (maybe that would be good pre-trip if you haven't seen it). Are my kids perfect and always socially correct? Hardly - while they have learned the lesson of racial equality well, they still make some of the most uncaring comments about people's physical appearances and all I know to do is to stop them on the spot and have an upfront conversation about it. I think that is always the most powerful tactic- stop in the moment and talk about it while it is still happening. I don't know how to make kids "get it' when it comes to pop culture stuff other than to keep doing what your doing. That website Teendoc mentioned sounds good I think I'll check it out , too. It will be interesting to read about your trip and how your kids react to such a different culture.

We live in a very diverse area and stereotypes still run wild. We teach the kids to see people as people not color. This is not true for every family down here. Have a great trip.

Hi Ann,
An exercise you might try is to locate a local eatery in one or more places where you are going and where you and your family will be in a minority and eat there. An excellent way for them to feel what being a minority is like.
Otherwise have a great vacation!

In Australia,that tough broad behind the counter,would soon
get some smartass responses hurled back at her.
Our kids would realize her character is far removed from reality.
Sorry to hear about the homophobia,do they get it from the parents?

I'm raising my kids outside the US. They go to an international school with a lot of diversity (about 50 or so different nationalities represented, although mostly white). My son loves anything silly. He'd love that video and never have a clue that it is mocking a culture as opposed to being made-up silliness.

I think maybe you just have to say, NO! and wait until they are older for them to truly get why.

I read, Maya Angelou's I know why the caged bird sings in college. I remembered the book, but only re-reading it recently did I understand the full impact of the ingrained racism she experienced. I think in college, I understood that some whites were regrettably racist, but the extent to which the white society (ie people more like me than she was) prevented Angelou from having a decent quality of life I didn't get.

So, I'm dubious that you can get your kids to have an adult understanding of the issue. I think you need to discuss it and if they still don't get it, just lay down the law that they can't act that way.

OMG! I have never heard of Bon Qui Qui, but now she is my favorite new youtube star, next to the guy whose guitar United busted. I am sending that video to my girlfriend's daughter right now! I need to get even with her for a few things anyway.

But my ALL TIME favorite is "Reporter Turns Ghetto in 3 Seconds."
Have your kids watch this and you'll be begging for Bon Qui Qui again! LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUS6nKpddec

Save me!! I just spent an hour watching Bon Qui Qui and Miss Swan... two characters I've never heard of until tonight.....

I hope you're happy!!!

Mother – you bring up a situation that is in many areas of the country, outside the South and urban areas. I just return to Georgia after living 65 miles outside NYC where it was a similar ratio as yours. The diversity there was more religious – Catholic, Jewish & Protestant.

I think we saw during the Sotomayor’s confirmation hearings, that the stereotypes of race or culture were due to lack of exposure to diversity. As shown by the ignorance of the old angry ‘white’ GOP Senators not living around other cultures.

I am sure that your children are grounded by your knowledge and openness to the diversity others and will have that same temperament, as the travel through life.

- rated for a great discussion

My sister is 7, and after watching the Bon Qui Qui video I can't stop imagining her repeating it, and the picture is isn't pretty. I'm not sure what I'd do. By explaining that it's racist, you don't want to imply that black people (or anyone) actually behaves like that; but that skit isn't pure comedy either. Sorry your children memorized that thing, it must be awful.

I'm trying to get the black perspective on this in Loveland as to offer some insight, but he's busy. Great post. xox

The hardest thing for us was trying to dispel the nonsense that they picked up at school. We're in Southern Illinois now, we were in Oregon when Bobbie was starting HS. So we've had both situatons. No diversity and tons of it. The results seem now to have been more influenced by the home life than the culture. Peace out Ann.

I'd go with "ethnically homogeneous," personally.

I am shocked. When I went to youtube and typed in "Bon Qui Qui" there are tons of videos of little girls imitating this. Why a parent put that out there to the public is beyond me.

OK, I laughed my ass off at Bon Qui Qui...mainly because I've been to the Church's Chicken on Broad Street in New Orleans many times, and apparently so have the writers of MAD TV.

I certainly wouldn't want to see a 7-year-old of any race imitating this, though.

No real answers for you.