Tonight I was listening to all of the talking heads on network news talking to all of the talking heads in Washington D. C. and I had a brilliant idea.  What if we put the PTA in charge of national healthcare?  We find the most aggressive and outspoken soccer mom on the field and just gave her the whistle and a ream of clean white paper and say, “go for it!” 

I will take for granted that everyone, including those of you who don’t have children, know what the PTA is (since most of you were once children yourselves).  Some of you may currently be part of a PTO or some other splinter, but in the end they all come from the same piece of wood.  Except, of course, for the Harper Valley PTA, which I don’t believe was a PTA at all, but just a bunch of Harper Valley hypocrites getting drunk and feeling each other up under the table.

The National PTA is already organized and ready to back this new Health Care Czar.  The National PTA is active in all fifty states, as well as the District of Columbia, the Virgin Islands and the Department of Defense schools in Europe and the Pacific.  They assemble in “congresses”, but actually accomplish things (as opposed to the United States Congress), thus actually improving our educational facilities in an attempt to provide a nurturing environment and quality education for every child.  If these people can fill the schools of 80 million students with computers and playground equipment, by God, they can surely help a mere 40 million people get their prescriptions filled.

I can tell you this; the problem would be solved sooner rather than later.  First of all, the PTA’s national corporate sponsors are Novartis Vaccines and Target (can we say phar-ma-cyyyyy!)  If the PTA can get corporate sponsors that provide healthcare services, why can’t actual Health Care?  I would gladly accept a Target insurance/gift card with a Target dog logo or a giant cartoony MMR syringe, wouldn’t you?  I wouldn’t care if my insurance statements came on Celebrex letterhead or included a weekly sales flyer.  Corporate sponsors are big money, so this is a winner for sure!  Victory Number 1!

My doctor’s office advertises all of this stuff already and yours probably does, too.  I say that if Ritalin or Viagra wants to put a tissue box on the receptionist’s desk or some hand sanitizer by the sink, they should have to buy that ad space (a la NASCAR).  All of the sponsorship money goes back into the PTA Treasury Account and VOILA!  … Cost savings!  Victory Number 2!

Now here’s the real way to pay for national healthcare.  Fundraisers.  Everyone who wants to participate in the national healthcare plan has to sell a certain amount of cookie dough or wrapping paper and instead of getting cheesy gifts like a Frisbee radio or a iPod calculator, you get actual health insurance.  The value of your health insurance is based strictly on sales dollars. 

For instance, if you sell fifty dollars worth of cookie dough and a hundred dollars worth of wrapping paper, you are entitled to the same, basic, shitty Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance most teachers get.  However, if you sell two hundred dollars worth of cookie dough and three hundred dollars worth of wrapping paper, you can get the same coverage as the executives at Goldman Sachs.  Now, here’s the biggie - if you sell a thousand dollars worth of any combination of items, you are entitled to Congressional Insurance provided by the Legislator of your choice.  (Hell, they aren’t paying for theirs, so they may as well pay for somebody else’s).  Victory Number 3!

Of course, as all PTA fundraisers go, this is based exclusively on the school year calendar.  All health care coverage will be suspended over the summer months and reinstated after the first fundraiser, which always begins the first week of school.  Participants should take extra care over the months of July and August, as only prescription refills will be covered.  With all good socialist programs, like Make-A-Wish carwashes and Girl Scout Cookie solicitation, there has to be some modicum of balance between what is given and what is taken away.  (Personally, I suggest taking Eric Cantor away in a straightjacket.)  Victory Number 4!

As it turns out, there are lots of Republicans in the PTA.  The above Victory point (#4) is to be considered a negotiated concession in order to get health care off the "New Business" docket as quickly as possible and before Sarah Palin signs up again.

With all health care, there has to be some fine print:

*Anyone who has ever voted for Newt Gingrich or Rick Santorum are hereby exempt from ever receiving one thin dime from this program no matter how much cookie dough or wrapping paper they sell … E V E R!  No exceptions.  Being completely stupid is considered a pre-existing condition in this instance.

So that’s my PTA 4 Steps to Victory in National Healthcare Plan.  Nominations are now open for the positions of Treasurer and Refreshments Chairman.