Today is September 22 and I am already sick of Halloween. I am sick of triggering that stupid cackling witch in Walgreen’s. I am sick of the 7-foot Mummy at Sam’s Club. I am sick of getting candy corn stuck to the bottom of my foot. I am sick of the one hundred and thirty-fourth idea that my 6 year-old has for his costume. I am sick of the aisles and aisles and aisles of sugarified-high-fructose-corn-syrupization induced whining I have to endure while trying to find one damn can of Progresso Hearty Tomato Soup – NOT Tomato and Basil – HEARTY TOMATO … I JUST WANT MY DAMN SOUP! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY DON’T MAKE IT ANYMORE?

This probably goes without saying, but – Halloween stresses me out. There is just so much stuff that goes into making it memorable. There are the costumes to make or buy, the school parties, the "friend" parties, the trick-or-treating, the candy buying and hiding, the scheduling and rescheduling, the scaring, the un-scaring, the crying, the walking back three blocks to pee, the sorting and the fighting over the last SpongeBob Squarepants Crabby Patty gummy burger thing. It makes me want to fake a seizure and get tangled up in my neighbor’s fake spider web; then fall off the porch into tiny Dracula’s coffin, impaling myself on his tiny blue, plastic goblet of red paint. It wouldn’t be pretty, but I think it might be effective.

Jeeeee-sus … talk about a commercial holiday. Everytime you hear someone bitching about Valentine’s Day, rest assured that they LOVE Halloween. What kind of sense does that even make? Valentine’s Day is a steal compared to Halloween. Last year we spent fifty dollars on trick-or-treat candy alone and we didn’t even get the good stuff! That’s another thing that pisses me off about Halloween – it’s for STRANGERS! And I don’t mean that in the "let’s get to know each other" stranger-way, I mean the "come on over and let me give you stuff" stranger-way; the "come on to my front door where I live and you can see me and my kids, scope out the foyer and decide if this is a good spot for your next home invasion/murder/burglary" stranger-way.

And don’t bother lecturing me on the ancient traditions that have evolved into modern-day Halloween, I’ve seen it all on the History Channel and I am unimpressed. Blah, blah, blah Harvest. Blah, blah, blah Night of the Dead. Blah, blah, blah. Nothing about miniature Snickers bars taunting me day and night from their safe perch high on the top shelf of the hall closet where only the person who can carry the step ladder up the stairs in full stealth mode can get to them. I don’t recall hearing about that Haitian phenomenon (which might have been called Dance of the Diabetes).

Don’t get me wrong; I love fall. I love fall vegetables. I love those greenish pumpkins and deep gold mums. I love football games and the crisp air. I love the cold rain and throwing an extra quilt on the bed. I love caramel apples and warm cider and the festivals downtown. I am, however, much more of a fan of Spring.

I know, I know … Easter is the spring Halloween … some people just don’t get as excited about it because of the whole Jesus/religion thing. With respect to organized religion, I get where Halloween is a much more inclusive holiday, though they have quite a bit in common. Halloween has zombies coming back from the dead that eat your brains; Easter has Jesus coming back from the dead who wants your heart. Halloween has blood. Easter has blood, too. On a disturbing note, I bet more people "drink the blood" on Easter than they do on Halloween … just sayin’. Halloween has eyeball bubblegum and haunted houses; Easter has hollow chocolate bunnies and church. If you converted the similarities into the abstract, factor in the colors and varieties of marshmallow Peeps sold on each, and solve for /x/, I bet they would be indistinguishable.

OK – this is tasteless – and if you’re not up for it or if you plan to rip me a new one in comments – CLOSE THE WINDOW NOW.

There’s one more similarity. Celebrating Halloween feels kind of naughty right … like you’re crossing over to the dark side, but just for fun. And so – Halloween is like 'sticking it to the man’ and Easter is about ‘sticking the man to it’. OK … don’t gasp and get all big-eyed. I gave you fair warning. And I mean you better not go after me in comments or I swear, I will JoBro your ass.

With all of that in mind, I will now ask you to pray for me/perform a Haitian good luck chant in the weeks ahead that I don't get lost in the cornfield maze of my mind looking for the Cadburry Bunny to sacrafice in order to save my soul for the frightful things I've said here.  Or something like that.

The I_Mom Boys

A few funnies about  that picture:  Darth Vader had been a Knight all day for story book day, but i was too cheap to buy two costumes (I just swapped out the felt panel on the front.  That  OWK costume  ... looked a lot like Jesus from a distance.  I made Yoda two hours before trick-or-treat and the Wookie  ... well the Wookie was just too damn cute.