There’s a piece from that old George Thorogood song "One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer" that I love –

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Everybody funny. Now you funny, too.

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I’m funny.

I don’t mean haha-funny either.

I won’t eat sticky rice in the cute little red-pagoda-decorated-take-out box because twenty-five years ago, there was a scene in the movie Flatliners where the rice was maggots.

I didn’t sleep last night because I saw on Nancy Grace that a nurse was murdered during a home invasion by Boy Scouts with a machete. Actually, I won’t sleep for many more nights either. Home invasion scores right up there with going to the dentist, in my book.

I always have 4 shots of Patron after eating sushi because I read someplace that alcohol will stave off the possibility of food poisoning and I’d rather dig a ditch than throw up.

I told you I was funny.

Take for example my intense hatred of Saints quarterback, Drew Brees. Now he’s a decent enough quarterback, I guess. I don’t have anything against New Orleans either. Actually, I’m a huge fan of the city of New Orleans, though I do think their mayor is a little kooky. In spite of all that, I have carried a grudge against Drew Brees since 2005. Hell, he didn’t even play for New Orleans back then; he played for San Diego. It was the same year the whole Eli Manning/Phillip Rivers trade-fiasco took place.

To make a long story short, Brees and the Chargers beat my Peyton and the Colts that year, busting up a 13-0 winning streak. I’m a bad sport by nature, so just losing was hard enough, but that’s not what keeps me up at night drawing devil horns and boobs on pictures of Brees in sports magazines. What pissed me off, and what I haven’t been able to let go of, is what happened after that game. In an interview, Brees was asked how the Chargers had been able to beat Manning and the undefeated Colts he said something like, "Well I knew I just had to go out there and bring my ‘A Game’. I felt like if I did, we could beat them." EXCUSE ME – "A Game"? "YOUR ‘A Game’"? Two interceptions and two fumbles is YOUR ‘A Game’? Sure, it was a win and you outplayed the Colts, but ‘YOUR A GAME’? It was cocky and ridiculous, words inspired by arrogance usually are, but I’ve never forgotten them and they forever changed the way I see Drew Brees.

In football games, that was a long time ago. Peyton has gotten his Super Bowl ring since then and I admit that my disgust has lessened over the years, but, to me, Brees will always be an arrogant douchebag and I’ll take a loss in the pool before I’ll choose a team with his name on the roster.

Living in the past? Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows - I’m funny. But it really irks me when someone says I am. My Drew Brees grudge honestly has nothing to do with losing or that particular game. Shoot, it may not even have anything to do with Drew Brees … it does have something to do with motives and values though and it has everything to do with de-valuing something that I value.

Everybody funny.

Take Evangelical Christians – now, they funny. I confess having laughed more than once at their outrage over "The Attack on Christmas". Honestly, in my heart, I think "Happy Holidays" is perfectly acceptable and I have never felt slighted when my friendly Domino’s delivery man has failed to bid me a "Happy Birthday Baby Jesus". Are they justified? Maybe. Do they feel that something they value is being devalued? Yes, and in that I understand where they are coming from.

I do have a solution for this. Ever been to a Japanese steak house? You know how the staff there can tell by looking at you whether or not you need a fork? I think we just apply the same principle to Seasonal Greetings. If you’re Jewish, you wear a little button with a Star of David on it. That way your snarky, neighborhood florist will be sure to wish you a "Happy Hanukkah". A button with a little manger scene will guarantee you a "Merry Christmas" from each and every Salvation Army bell ringer. No button at all will get you the usual frown and grunt from the teenager selling you rubbers at Walgreens.

Or, how ‘bout the Republicans? They real funny. A lot of their public outrage revolves around feeling that Liberalism devalues the United States Constitution and the intent of the Founding Fathers. Talk about living in the past. Of course, the Founding Fathers had a deep aversion to coercive political power of any sort. I believe they even called it a "Republican value" at the time – meaning a "value" of a "republic", not a nod to the Newts of the future. (Newt may not know that.)

Republicans also value small government and are firmly against a strong, centralized power. They don’t believe that government has any place in religion, schools, or medical plazas. They are pro-life and would die as patriots to protect the freedoms of the United States of America. I admit, that’s hard to argue with and all valuable as tenets of a society, regardless of political stripe.

It gets a little tricky here, so pay attention. By devaluing what they really value, the Republicans have created a self-sustaining cycle of outrage that applies in any circumstance. They oppose political power, unless it’s their own and for which they will fight you like a pitbull in lipstick. They oppose the liberal slant of the Bible, but support prayer in school. They oppose the President speaking to school children and support the display of the Ten Commandments in our courtrooms. They oppose government intervention in healthcare unless you are a woman who needs an abortion or a non-communicative invalid. They oppose medicare, but support improved benefits for seniors.   They stand for life unless you are a criminal or they view you as a criminal. They are with-us-or-against-us patriots who are quick to question the patriotism and Americanism of anyone not in hooray-for-freedom-lock-step with them. They believe in the second amendment, but not the first, nor any of the others, I suspect, and clearly not the amendment process in general, unless it supports banning gay people from having the same rights as straight people.

That new-clear logic is totally Jedi. By valuing and devaluing all of their values at the same time they value everything, which in turn means less value for their valuable values that are under valued or unvalued all together by Liberals who have no values, which makes them all fascist, Nazi, socialistizing, cross-dresser, traitoring, UFO flying, fucktards.   OK, so it's not totally Jedi, but it is a pretty fucking great mind trick.

And you thought my grudge against Drew Brees was insane.

Now you funny, too.