I learned today via  New York Times piece that the super-charged, $100,000 BMW-M5 with the twin-turbo V8 engine uses a --gasp--recorded sound to mimic the full-throated roar the driver might expect to hear upon starting the car or pressing the accelerator.

A recording! The mighty BMW is the Milli Vanilli of high-end automobiles? This is just wrong.

Granted, technology is famous for pulling a fast one. Social media is populated (or littered, depending on your point of view) with discussions about the benefits and limits of Photoshop. Pop stars have been lip-syncing for some time, especially since it became important for them to multitask as decent dancers (Broadway performers are often able to do both for far less money, but let’s not go there.)  The use of a laugh track on television dates to the early days of the medium itself. What you see (or hear) isn’t always what you get.

Besides, it’s not as if the BMW in question is performing below par. In fact, the superb insulation is what muffles the engine sound, along with other annoying audio tracks from the ordinary world. The folks outside the cushy cabin can hear the delicious vroom that signals all that money and power as exemplified by one machine. If the driver can’t, then maybe BMW has done its job too well.

What a quandary!

Of course it depends on what you want for your money. If your automobile is designed to show the world your purchasingpower, you will aim for a combination of branding (“Ooh, a Jaguar”), styling (“Look at those lines”), and performance (“Look at it go”). It works just as well with couture (“Ooh, Zack Posen.  Look at those lines. That dress really flatters her”) or just about anything else that has the potential to confer status. Who cares how awkward, uncomfortable, impractical, or unwieldy it is?

For many people, that’s exactly what having money is all about. For others, spending money is tied to enhancing one’s own quality of life. In those instances, some may prefer discrete touches, such as indoor waterfalls that mimic the soothing sounds of nature, or the heft of a $15,000 Rolex tucked out of sight under a weekend flannel shirt by L.L. Bean. Money, after all, can’t buy taste.

At any rate, the BMW honchos believe that for $100,000 the driver deserves the satisfaction delivered by the audio reproduction of the power surge that kicks in on the Autobahn at 130 kilometers an hour. If that’s okay by the driver, that’s okay by me.

But wait: What if the brilliant engineers at BMW look into developing technology that mutes the actual engine sound altogether? The driver hears the primal sound of twin turbo V-8 engines coming to life or shifting gears. We don’t.

This technology has applications far beyond the world of automobiles. What if we could mute the know-it-all at the party who’s mouthing off about Europe’s economic mess? How about the idiot on the train talking loudly into her cell phone?  Could we be kept from the mindless chatter of teens at the mall or the non-stop yammering of the talking heads on the inevitable cable channel playing where you get your car serviced?  What about the couple who fights in public? Or makes love loudly enough so they might as well be copulating publicly? Can we stuff a sock in it?

I’m not just talking about insulating individuals from offensive sounds, but a technology that allows the self-deluded  to believe they have a larger audience than they actually do, one that simultaneously protects their egos and our eardrums. Given the amount of noise pollution, this would amount to a public service. BMW could get a much-deserved tax break!

I admit that slashing tires or breaking windows, embarrassing loudmouths in public or even changing the channel despite protests is more viscerally satisfying. But that’s an approach with serious blow-back potential.

This invention could potentially free us from the injury of assault by unwanted sound. We would still hear what we need to (police sirens, calls from our mothers) or want to (see “sounds of nature,” above); moreover, we’d be protected from those sounds we find most irritating, off-putting and egregious, like television commentators, nagging spouses, or even aggressive-sounding twin turbo engines.

image via Creative Commons