Here's the reality... from a bi woman...

Simply because one is sexually attracted to someone (regardless of their gender) does NOT mean that they are going to choose to ACT on that sexual attraction.

There are any number of women that I am sexually attracted to... I am however married to a VERY wonderful man and am not going to ACT on the attraction that I may feel for someone else. Doing so would be cheating ALL of us.

You say your friends, siblings, and parents would not approve? What difference does it make? Religion condemns not just homosexuality and bisexuality, but any sex outside of marriage.

All religions teach sexual restraint: to be concerned with things of the spirit rather than the flesh.

A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami writes in The Path of Perfection:

"Yoga does not mean going to some class, paying some money, engaging in gymnastics, and then returning home to drink, smoke, and engage in sex. Such yoga is practiced by societies of the cheaters and the cheated...If one tells you that you can indulge in sex as much as you like and at the same time become a yogi, he is cheating you. If some so-called guru tells you to give him money in exchange for some mantra and that you can go on and engage in all kinds of nonsense, he is just cheating you. Because we want something sublime and yet want it cheaply, we put ourselves in a position to be cheated...if we want perfection in yoga, we have to pay for it by abstaining from sex. Perfection in yoga is not something childish, and Bhagavad-gita instructs us that if we try to make yoga into something childish, we will be cheated. There are many cheaters awaiting us, waiting to take our money, giving us nothing, and then leaving."

With regard to Christians, the apostle Paul taught his followers to bless their persecutors and not curse them (Romans 12:14), to care for their enemies by providing them with food and drink (12:20), and to pay their taxes and obey all earthly governments (13:1-7). He mentioned giving all his belongings to feed the hungry (I Corinthians 13:3), and taught giving to the person in need (Ephesians 4:23). He told his followers it was wrong to take their conflicts before non-Christian courts rather than before the saints. (I Corinthians 6:1)

Paul taught that "it is good for a man not to touch a woman," i.e., it is best to be celibate, but because of prevailing immoralities, marriage is acceptable. Divorce is permissible in the case of an unbeliever demanding separation. (I Corinthians 7)

Paul repeatedly attacked sexual immorality.

"This is God's will--your sanctification, that you keep yourselves from sexual immorality, that each of you learn how to take his own wife in purity and honor, not in lustful passion like the gentiles who have no knowledge of God." (I Thessalonians 4:3-5)

Paul told his followers not to associate with sexually immoral people (I Corinthians 5:9-12, 6:15,18). He condemned homosexuality (Romans 1:24-27) and incest (I Corinthians 5:1).

"Make no mistake," warned Paul, "no fornicator or idolater, none who are guilty either of adultery or of homosexual perversion, no thieves or grabbers or drunkards or slanderers or swindlers, will possess the kingdom of God." (I Corinthians 6:9-10 [NEB])

Paul condemned wickedness, immorality, depravity, greed, murder, quarreling, deceit, malignity, gossip, slander, insolence, pride (Romans 1:29-30), drunkenness, carousing, debauchery, jealousy (Romans 13:13), sensuality, magic arts, animosities, bad temper, selfishness, dissensions, envy (Galatians 5:19-21; greediness (Ephesians 4:19; Colossians 3:5), foul speech, anger, clamor, abusive language, malice (Ephesians 4:29-32), dishonesty (Colossians 3:13), materialism (I Timothy 6:6-11), conceit, avarice, boasting and treachery. (II Timothy 3:2-4)

Paul told the gentiles to train themselves for godliness, to practice self-control and lead upright, godly lives (Galatians 5:23; I Timothy 4:7; II Timothy 1:7; Titus 2:11-12). He instructed them to ALWAYS pray constantly. (I Thessalonians 5:17)

Paul praised love, joy, peace, kindness, generosity, fidelity and gentleness (Galatians 5:22-23). He told his followers to conduct themselves with humility and gentleness (Ephesians 4:2), to speak to one another in psalms and hymns; to sing heartily and make music to the Lord. (Ephesians 5:19; Colossians 3:16)

Paul wrote further that women should cover their heads while worshiping, and that long hair on males is dishonorable. (I Corinthians 11:5-14) According to Paul, Christian women are to dress modestly and prudently, and are not to be adorned with braided hair, gold or pearls or expensive clothes. (I Timothy 2:9)

We really live in a secular society. People just pay lip service to religious ideals. Again, what difference does it make?

Um, please don't take this the wrong way, but at 16 you and your boyfriend are still children. (I am assuming he is your peer, but unless he's nearly 10 years older than you, you are both still children. And if he's more than 2 years older than you, he's in big trouble.) Your sexual maturity is still years off and the best advice I can give you now is to pay attention not to whether he is gay, bi, straight - pay attention to whether he has integrity and courage and humor. Pay attention to how he makes you feel about yourself and to whether you feel safe and secure in his presence. Pay attention to the way he talks to you and pay attention to the way he acts when you talk to other boys. What you will find out about him from paying attention to these things will tell you far more than anything he might say about his sexuality. And if you guys are having sex, you both should be using birth control.

Good luck caitlyn; stick with the guitar and the piano.

First off, welcome to Open. Second, kind of a heavy topic, but a good one.

I really don't have an answer, other than to echo what Lonnie has stated, don't worry, be happy, if you're sexually active of course, use protection and well, if you love him, and he loves you, that's great, at least he trusted you enough to come out on being Bi.

Just to let you know, life gets a lot more rockier than this, trust me, enjoy your young days and don't try and grow up so fast!! You'll discover that stuff will come quick enough.

God, I feel old!!

*:)

*wanders away*

wow, i used to live in carrollton!

anyway, figure out if this relationship is important to you, and how much his bi-ness matters. i don't think it's my place to tell you if it's wrong or right to date him, or predict what he might do. is this the first time you've had a relationship (not romantic) with a person who wouldn't meet with your parents/siblings approval?

i would guess that he's aware that he's not what they would choose for you, and that might be why he waited to tell you. that doesn't make it right, but it's very understandable. i'm sure he realizes how hard this is. and i'm sure he didn't just decide to be this way.

but you chose to be together, right?

Listen to Lonnie. He's a very smart man. Don't listen to anyone who tells you it is wrong to have the feelings you have. Do you have an adult you trust not to be judgmental? Talk to that person. We've been through things like this. Believe me.

My young friend, I know this is your world right now, but this too shall pass!~

The relationship is not going to be forever. Enjoy him for who he is, not what he is. If at some point you believe that the situation is in conflict with your religious beliefs, then you have a decision to make, but unless he is seeing someone else -- male or female -- it's not really an issue, is it?

Be flattered that he trusts you enough to tell you after only seven months. I was married to a woman who waited seven years into the marriage to tell me she had been pregnant at 13 and given the child up for adoption. I could handle it; turned out she couldn't. Being as open as possible is always best.

Bottom line: explain your feelings to your friend and tell him that for now you choose him. As someone else pointed out, he does not have to have a same sex relationship. That is a choice he will have to make, and I hope he makes the one that is best. It is a far more fundamental issue for him than for you, believe me.

Enjoy your life. It's too soon to worry about forever anyway.

Very first comment, Hon, is that you might want to change your sign-on name--it's not necessary to share your last name with the millions who could Google everything that you write.

Second, though, is to remember two things: first is that we love people at the level that we are capable of, throughout our lives. And, if we live them well, that capability grows. So don't be TOO worried about this boyfriend, bi or not. Love him as well as you are able at 16, and know that, even if you are not together next week, next month, next year, that having loved him will help you learn to love the next boyfriend a little better. And if you ARE with him, that the way to deal with all issues in a relationship is with love and respect for the human being that you love.

Second is that religions can be wrong. Anytime your religion tells you something that you know in your heart hurts people, YOU get to decide whether or not to believe it. If your boyfriend is a good person, doesn't cheat on you, etc, then MAYBE the teachings of your church are mistaken. A lot of churches used to teach that slavery was God given. Can you imagine that! Churches preaching that God wanted people to own each other? You sound like a smart, thoughtful girl, and using your heart and your mind, you will make the right decisions, now and throughout your life.

what Lonnie said...

all of these are good answers. Lonnie has it in the best perspective. But let let throw a little anthopology into the mix.

Times have changed. We live longer than we used to. Our inner clocks aren't in tune with that change yet. Fifty years ago to hear of a fourteen year old getting married was nothing. Frankly my relationships at that time were the most intense, the live or die love.

Many societies still see adulthood as beginning at 12. being recieved into the adult congregation etc. this was based on a time when 30 was the average age of mortality. If you didn't have your children by the time you were fifteen then they wouldn't be able to surive without you after you died. Even one hundred years ago stories of the oldest child raising the family were common.

This is what you're feeling; that biological alarm clock ringing with urgency. Hey! you're middle age and likey to die soon! Have babies now!

Of course all of that is out of the window now. yesterdays fish. history. You're at a point in your life when you need to think of who you are and who you want to me. A boyfriend that is having the thoughts that he is is somewhat normal. His not fully baked yet. Another surprise; at this point in life, women are more mature then men in these matters. If anyone tries to tell you that boys and girls are brought up the same kick them! Sleepwalking is dangerous! Boys at this point generally have been groomed for the military or jobs and therefore need to be free of mortality and dreams of a future. For boys babies come into mind when security and suscess are achieved.

Youe 16; in a modern age. Adjust; pick out the best boys and date them. Marrage should be at least ten years off. By then there should be a like of notches carved on your bed post-----ah, oops bible please.

Cut religious crap first! As long as he is loyal to you, it is fine. Keep the relationship going. Enjoy each other!

He may actually be gay, but being in high school and in Texas he's afraid for the consequences if he comes out.

The fact that he trusts you enough to admit his feelings to you is a tremendous act of courage on his part. I hope you honor that courage what ever comes from it.

A few more observations;

7 months is not "late" in a relationship. It's been a while since I was in high school, but I do remember the sense of urgency. Relax and forget time tables.

If your religion tells you being gay is wrong, get a new religion. Being gay or bi isn't a choice, it's how God made you. The same people telling you "hate the sin, not the sinner" were using the bible to justify slavery and inter-racial marriages in years past. They are poison.

Also, a better question might be "do you believe he is willing and able to be in a committed monogamous relationship with you?" (assuming that's what you both want and agree to.) If he is equally attracted to men and women and is attracted to you currently, is that enough of a basis for a relationship? And at 16 years old it is very early to be thinking about a long term relationships, regardless of strong feelings and passions (I'm not trying to discount them, you should remember the feeling, later in life you may find you'd give anything to have that kind of passion about things again.)

Good luck though, I hope things work out for you both.

Sweetie, I echo Lonnie, and very strongly second the comment about changing your sign-on name.

A true Christian as in one that follows the teachings of J.C. would love him regardless of orientations. Of course there are many more factors for you to consider as to his character.
A "Christian" of todays American ilk, the old testament too goods would reject him immediately of course.
Advice? I can state pretty much categorically that because of your age if nothing else that this will not last anyway. Date the guy if you want to. Screw him night and day if you want to, but don't lose sight of yourself and your bigger aspirations. People your age get way too caught up in relationships at the expense of their true selves.
Good luck...

And yes, if that is your real name... CHANGE IT IMMEDIATELY!!

Very tough situation. Cobalt had great advice.

Hey, you deserve a "bravo" just for writing. It's a brave post, but more importantly, the fact that you feel torn, pulled in different directions, etc. is a good thing, because it means you are thinking. Religion- and religious people (no disrespect to your dad, but.. .) - too often tells us exactly what to think and how to respond at all times. Certitude is the opposite (the enemy) of really thinking about the questions we're confronted with. And it absolutely unreasonable to expect that complex situations have simple solutions, unless one is mulling over killing a person, etc. Think.. and think again.
As to the specific situation.. I'm not far away (Fort Worth) and though I'm many years older than you, I work with high school students and know how difficult it can be in Texas for a young person to be even a little bit open about their sexuality. He trusts you and needs you in his life, be there for him, though not as a doormat; you certainly have a right to ask for clarification on what your relationship is and how you fit in his life. But let me say this: all this will be revealed over time if you give it a little breathing room. Besides, you may be far more important to each other as friends- in the long run- than a short term romance. Finally, remember- we almost never regret the times when we show another person tolerance and patience and support; we only regret it when we do not.

Lonnie has some good advice. There are many differing opinions on OS, but as a 16 year old you should take advantage of the vastness of the knowledge and life experience of those on this site. You will get differing opinions, but they will often be informed opinions.

Some folks know their sexual orientation from jump street, others do not. If you like the guy, keep dating him.

Just a couple of thoughts that are different than Lonnie, who is correct. I was married for 13 years and had two kids by a woman who came out as a lesbian. Go figure.

If he came out to you this guy trusts you like no other. Listen to him. Let him talk and you listen. Remember, if you're talking you're not listening.

While there are lots of people here who won't admit it, a high, I don't know the exact number, of boys first sexual contact is with another boy. So at your age being a shy confused boy doesn't surprise me any. He may decide he is not bi later in life, or he may decide he is gay.

Just go with the flow for now. It's no bodies business but yours and his. Keep it that way and everything will work out. Maybe not the way you want, but it will work out.

He needs to talk and he through you his lifeline. Catch it and hold on. But, a final word of advise. If he starts to go over the deep end to where you are scare he may hurt himself or others you need to say something to a professional at that time. My guess would be that if he does something that has you scared for his safety, there is a reason. Trust yourself and your gut on this one.

Both Lonnie and Vasu Murti have good things to say about this, and things to reflect on. The emphasis here, in my book, is that you are very, very young. You will--believe it or not--have years and years when the burden of love and its attendant complications will weigh on you whether you want them to or not; right now, just getting to know yourself and being careful and respectful with yourself, and encouraging your boyfriend to do the same, are the most important thing. Remember that love, itself, is always good, and is _not_ always related to how we act out. Take your time, love your boyfriend, encourage him to try to determine what he wants--and more importantly, think about what you want and what will square with your beliefs. Best of luck, sweetheart.

I don't want to sound condescending, but at 16 years old (I'm assuming he's close to the same age) few people truly know who or what they are.

One other thing - what difference does it make? If he loves YOU; isn't that what it's all about anyway? I've been married for 36 years and I still enjoy looking at women, but that doesn't mean I don't love my wife. If he looks at other women or guys, but still loves you, enjoy it. Believe me, life is far too short to worry about these things at your age.

I would't make a bigger deal of it than it is. If he loves you and is being faithful to you, that's really what matters. Sometimes people "confess" too much--everyone has things they think and feel but not all of that needs to be given up to everyone. He may really be bi but if it doesn't hurt your relationship with him, it shouldn't matter.

Trust me on this: whatever you think you know about Christianity is probably wrong, and so is everyone else, but that's a much longer discussion than I want to get into. What Jesus actually said, and what religionists say he said, are very different things.

Worry about what you're worrying about....and then you will make some progress toward becoming the person you going to be.

We've all felt that we couldn't live without someone else at one time or another in our lives...and we were all wrong. First, last and always, you have to be your own best friend before you can befriend anyone else.

The fact that he didn't tell you up front is understandable. You don't blurt out things like that to casual acquaintances. The fact that he told you when he told you means that he trusts you enough to share a very deep secret with you. It also means that he feels guilty about misleading you....but he had no alternative and you should tell him that he did right not telling you at first, and did right by telling you when he did.

In life, people often have to choose between love and religion. The choice you make will say a lot about the person you will become.

Those who choose love over religion are following the way of the heart. Those who choose religion over love are following the way of the mind. Religion resides in the mind. Love is in the heart.

Don't worry about what other people might think. Other people will always think differently from each other. No one agrees with anyone else about anything....they just think they do.

Dear Caitlyn,

As someone with more gay, bi and bi-curious friends than straight ones--and speaking as a female with a gay ex-boyfriend (12 years ago, I was in your exact situation, without the religious complications)--I feel obligated to point out that while there ARE certainly bisexual men out there--I don't know any, personally, but I've heard about them--a teenage boy's revelation of bisexuality is often a first step in the coming out process. Admitting to curiosity or same sex attraction is one way a lot of young (and not so young) people, especially males, prepare themselves and those around them for the eventuality of coming out as homosexual. I'm not saying he's gay; I'm saying that just because he says he's bi, not gay, now doesn't mean he isn't.

Obviously he cares about you and he trusts you, which he demonstrated by telling you, so don't hold the not telling you against him. He is still in the process of trying to figure all of this out for himself.

You obviously care about him and want him in your life. But you also seem to care a lot about what other people think about you and would think about your relationship with him if they knew of his sexuality. Perhaps the healthiest move for both of you right now is to take things slowly. Consider just being friends for a while--I know this sounds impossibly hard to you right now. Take a step back, give him some time to figure out what he wants and take some time to figure out how you feel about all of this. Be his friend; he needs your support now more than ever. And you need to be able to trust him--easier to do when you're not preoccupied with the thought of what all your friends (not to mention your parents) are going to say if you get dumped *for another guy*. Trust me, that flavor of betrayal takes a long time to get over and is a quick and easy way to obliterate what could have otherwise been a beautiful friendship.

When I was your age, I chose not to listen to what my boyfriend was trying to tell me--I ignored it because I liked him so much and I wanted to believe that he liked me so much that any outside feelings wouldn't come between us. Eventually they did. In one day I lost a boyfriend, a good friend and the next 5+ years of my life, which I spent angry and hurt and wondering what was wrong with me. It took a long time for me to realize that what was going on with him had NOTHING to do with me at all.

Follow your instincts on this one. If he's telling you now, it's for a reason. If you're the only one he's told, it's for a reason. If you really love him, if you really care about him, give him space and give him support and be a friend to him now. Worry about later, later.

Sweetie, at 16, coming out is so difficult...it can be very frightening ....I am amazed at his courage to be honest with you. However, if that dynamic doesn't work for you, it doesn't. This is a time to begin asking yourself what you want in a relationship and begin exploring what will work for you, no matter what anyone else thinks. You might follow his lead in terms of being true to yourself. Best to you. xox

If that's not what YOU want, dump him. There are about 3 billion more men in the world waiting for you... Welcome to OS!

There are probably some older gays here thinking what I'm thinking...and we know what that is. I'm thinking that this young man has place enormous trust in you by sharing a fundamental part of himself with you. Build on that friendship. The romance will likely fade away, as you are both young, but that friendship stands a good chance of lasting a lifetime. xox

The first question is, is he willing to have a monogamous relationship with you, which means not exploring his newly found attraction to men?

Assuming he says yes, you have to decide if you believe him, or if you feel he is using you and "bi" to delay the time when he has to accept that he is really gay.

My take on the religion thing (I'm an atheist, BTW) is that what matters is what you do -- resisting the temptation to do what (you think) is wrong, not merely being tempted.

I personally would recommend you take this question as a sign that your BF isn't ready to have a committed, long-term relationship with you. This may not mean you end it, but it does mean dialing back the emotional intensity and spending more time developing other interests and friendships. Stay friends, but don't let him become everything to you, if you're not everything to him.

My personal experience, with a "bi" almost boyfriend was that he used Bi as a way to have a close, committed relationship with a woman and casual sex with men. He did this even after he was married. He got AIDS, his wife got AIDS, and I've become quite cynical.

I see Paul being quoted. Isn't he the Apostle who CASTRATED Himself? I'm NOT a Christian - but an Ex-Catholic Buddhist; so, although I have some well nigh anti-Christian sounding POV's, I actually think that the Buddhas' exortations to engage in Universal All-Encompassing Loving Kindness and Compassion are better adhered to by most Buddhists than Jesus Christs exortations to behave the same way are adhered to by most Christians. What am I saying? That GLBT's are People - and 'Universal, All-Encompassing' imeans that I MUST show Loving Kindness and Compassion towards THEM TOO; even if I find them Odious (which I DO NOT)!
Show Him the 'Love of Jesus' - show Him 'Forgiveness', if that's the only way you can deal with it! Other than that; I'd say do what Lonnie says - as you (16!) are way too young to have become 'The Real You' (The Butterfly that's still a Pupae); way too young to know what all this is going to mean to you in a few more years time.
BTW: The story of Soddom and Gamorah mentions the subject of Sex only ONCE - when Lott impregnates his own daughters. There are NO metions of Homosexuality, Soddomy, or anything else that we condemn as such in it.
I think that the Christian Right is misleading a lot of Young People - encouraging you to 'Hate for Jesus' - because Gay Sex really turns some people off, and so they 'condemn it' without any Old Testement back-up (at least that I can think of).
I've employeed Gay Men and Women - I LOVED working with them; there's NO WAY that I'll ever 'Hate' them or anyone else - except the 'Haters' who seem to insist that I be allowed to react towards them in no other way.
BTW 2: You should check out MY First (and, I think, only - so far) Posting! It's a real Lu Lu! I, quite litterally, have been using the Internet to keep myself from being killed by 'Mighty Whitey' (re: KKK) Kops/Security Guard ex-coworker - who DID Kill a Jewish Lesbian and a Mentally Retarded Black Girl, in my city, in 2003.
Good Luck, Caitlyn! I know a thousand 'Sweet Young Thangs' just like you! Travis High, Austin, Class of 83!

Here's a tip: don't use your real name on the internet when you're 16. Another one is to ask him exactly what he has done with another guy, if anything. And finally, I'd rather read about you yelling in German - sounds funnier.

Dearest Caitydid (now, that's a neat sign-on name!):

What Lonnie says.

What scanner says.

What I say: Look outside your box. Don't stress out over this. It's big... but not so much. Think for yourself. Love Your Life. Practice safe sex.

Love,

- MomCon

You're 16. Ten years from now it won't matter. You will have moved on and so will he.

A persons sexuality is just that. I can understand hesitating to tell you too. If he knows you and your religious beliefs then he had good reason not to be open about it. Especially if he thinks he may love you. Aside from hurting you, the information may have cost him a relationship that he thought was more important than being bi. With time he may have come to believe that telling you would be less of a risk. I'm a lot older than you. My opinion is that if he chose to tell you something about himself that has all of these social implications he must think you are special. I doubt that this is something that he has spread around. Not only does he care enough about you to put this in the open, he must also believe that you think that he is special too. In most relationships there are times when we are attracted to others. This doesn't mean that we act n those attractions, only that it does happen. We don't act on them because we are faithful in our relationships. The gender of the person is not that important. I cannot discuss the religious aspects with you unless you specifically ask me to. I see this admission not as a blow to your relationship with him, but as evidence of his wish to have a continued one. Honesty is the key for me. This is a situation that has to be the most difficult for a young person to face. To be willing to risk it all to tell you this is an effort to make sure that you know who he is, and not just what he wants the world to know. Welcome to the monkey house. (read the book by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.)

Welcome to OS, Caitlyn!

I am a mother of 3 daughters. I know this is difficult for you and anyone can appreciate your boyfriend's honesty. AS others have commented, you, too, must be honest and true to yourself, your values and what is authentic for you. You ARE so young, lucky you, and have time to grow and learn what is right for you. In the meantime, an old addage my mom used to tell me is, "When in doubt, don't." I use this formula still today. At your age, you would be wise to get to know lots of different boys and be free to experience all that high school years offer. A boy friend is nice, but it could hold you back from meeting someone who might be better suited to you and one who shares your values. Plus, both you and any boy you are with, will undergo massive changes in attitude, values and judegment throughout your teen years and beyond. Stay open and accepting of honesty but be most loyal and true to your own. Best to you!

There is a bigger picture, that may help you to decide how to make the best of whatever decisions you choose when relating to your Sweetie. this wise & loving enjoinment from Nikki Giovanni , who knew whereof she spoke, but from the pain she couldn't seem to shake, too often did not follow her own advice. i have known many who did much better, living according to this or a similar injunction and finding true happiness in the process:

there is always something to do.

there are hungry people to feed
naked people to clothe
sick people to comfort and make well

and while i do not expect you to save the world

i do not think it is asking too much for you to Love
those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of
those whom you call friend
engage those among you who are visionary


and remove from your life those who offer
depression, despair and disrespect

I would ADD: Be Honest and treasure truth and justice

At 16, you're both still sorting out your emotions, and who you're attracted to, and what urges you're going to act on.

It's good that he trusts you enough to come out to you.

However, relationships at your age run at roughly three times the speed of those of older people, so your 7 months, is actually two years. Your relationship started off under false pretenses: what else hasn't he told you?

Second thing: Don't get caught up in his problems. You can help him so far with his identity, but please, *not* at the expense of your education. He won't stick around and help you pay bills if you fail High School.

I know you love him, but the most important person in your life, the one you look out for, is *you*.

Religion: They hold these tenets for a reason. It's a moral framework, which at 16, you need, because *hopefully* you haven't got the life experience to form your own. As an alternative, "First do no harm". It's less specific than the Commandments, but it's a framework. As I said above, the person you need to look out for in this situation is *you*, so look to what effect it's having on you. If it's a bad effect, which it sounds to be, then .... cut him loose.

You're 16. You *do not* need this problem on your shoulders.

*goes into Mom-mode* Your education is far more important than *his* hormones. Be a friend, but you get *one* chance at your learning: this is it. I would also suggest that if you have an adult you trust, show them this page, and get their input.

Good luck, and if you want to talk, feel free to PM me.

Webbi x

Dumping your boyfriend because he is bi would make you the bad person.

The intolerance of LGBT people by religion is an act of bigotry, religion can be just as much a vehicle of bigotry as anything else. Many of the churches (southern white evangelical and conservative) where the ones who fought against racial and gender equality as well. I would not in any way call them good actors, if anything I would call conservative christians historically bad actors. The same churches that support LGBT equality have a long history of supporting social justice movements, racial and gender equality, etc. I mention this because the problem is not with his sexuality, he was born bisexual. The problem is the bigotry in your religion, your boyfriend did nothing wrong, he came out to you when he was comfortable. One can be religous without being a bigot, and there are churches that do not teach bigotry as part of thier faith. I suggest the problem is something you can change...by finding a church that is supportive of LGBT people, and turning your back on bigotry.

I hold this true to religous people...using religion to justify your bigotry does not mean your bigotry is acceptable. You will still be a bigot. I am not saying you are now, but please accept, that I have come a long way and now call a duck a duck, especially if it quacks like one.


Your problem here is with yourself, and your family, and your religion, not your boyfriend. If you are a good person you would get past it and move on with the relationship. If you are a bigot...well you would do other things. If you love him, his bisexuality should be no big deal, or a deal at all.

Hourglass figure, like most parents you are giving BAD advice to teenagers.

He told you because he trusts you. You can be a bigoted little girl, and dump him. Or you can be a good person and try to help him. She gave you EXACTLY the wrong advice.

I will state this clearly. Religion is disposable. One can always change it. Your ETHICS do not need be guided by it, and if anything the religous people I know who are intolerant of LGBT people are rarely ethical.

I would not say cut him loose. Listen, I am queer...I know of these issues better than any mom. With regards to LGBT issues...straight parents almost always fail for advice because they often have no relative knowledge. In this case you can be the accepting girlfriend, or you can be a horrible person. Those are really your only two choices. You need to put your faith aside, and deal with this as a good person. Your faith sounds to me like it has some major problems to begin with.

SweetStars: You're making assumptions about me and leaping *straight* off the cliff.

I am bi. I have had bi partners.

If you had read my comment correctly, you would have seen that my *advice* was to do with ensuring she doesn't lose anything through this relationship and related issues. Tell me, if the young lady above is put under such pressure by her bf over this that she messes up her education, are you going to support her?

"Listen, I am queer...I know of these issues better than any mom."
Congratulations, you're gay. But you're *not* a Mom. I happen to be *both* bisexual and a mother. You don't know these issues better than I do, you know *part* of the issue.

Hi Cait. I'm going to answer you the same way that I would answer my own 16 year old daughter, or my 16 year old son.

My children's mother, MrsRaptor, has given you her perspective as a bisexual woman and in one sense she is correct, in another she is not. ::She:: doesn't act on her attraction for other women, she is also 45 years old and so she has learned something that most young men have not learned; that is how to not be led around by her hormones. Unfortunately that is a lesson that only time and experience (and a mighty miffed father of a pregnant girl) can give them.

There is a difference between the love that one holds for a friend and the love that one holds for a life-mate. I am not, and would not, questioning your love for this young man; however, someone does need to point out that there are many different types of love.

My advice: Be his friend. Care about him. Listen to him, be there for him. Do not plan a life with him. Remember that the average male is being led around by his hormones until well into his middle to late 20s and what he feels today is likely to be vastly different than what he will feel in as little as 3 or 4 years.

Build a solid foundation of friendship and that foundation will stand you in good stead in the future. For now, concentrate on being a friend and studying for your college entrance exams.

1.) well, since you're 16 don't get caught up worrying about relationships too much, I mean you're still in high school and there's plenty of other guys out there waiting for you in the future...

2.) For me, if I love someone that's bi so much, I would just accept it, and don't worry about any judgements from your family and friends. This is probably something that you and your family are not use to, I hope that your parents could be more open-minded about bi people.

truth is foremost in any relationship. truth is given freely at the beginning of a relationship. everyone here seems to think you should just enjoy the moment with this boyfriend and who cares what your family thinks. truth is: he's just a boyfriend. truth is: your family will be next to you in 5 years, in 10 years. truth is: he won't. truth is: he should have been upfront with this tidbit of info. truth is: your morals should be your compass, God your guide. talk w/ your youth pastor or someone of your faith, church. truth is: he may not be the right guy for you but you have a wonderful opportunity to minister to him. God bless & my prayers are with you.

I'm also Bi, and I agree with MrsRaptor, though that doesn't seem to be your concern (thumbs up for trusting him so well :) ).

I was also raised to be Christian (I've recently forsaken my religion). My whole family though, is still very strongly Christian, they're Southern Baptists actually, extremely strict...where I'm going here is my family doesn't even know about this. I don't think it's any of their business to know, really. It's my own private matter, not their business. I think the same thing about your family, there's no need for them to know. Especially if you know they won't be accepting of it. It may just cause some unnecessary tension between them an your boyfriend (and may result in unnecessary tension between you and them too.. or even with you and your boyfriend)

Some people like dogs. Some people like cats. Some people like cats and dogs. God truly does not love one type of person more than any of the others. God loves everybody, right?

You are a cat, say. Your boyfriend likes you. Someday, he may break up with you or you will break up with him, and he may go out with a dog. He may go out with another cat.

If you are worried, deep down, that he is cheating on you, does it matter if he's cheating with a boy or a girl?

Find me some Scripture where Jesus said it was bad to be gay. Christians want to be like Jesus. Paul said a lot of stuff that we don't pay a lot of attention to anymore--do you cover your hair in church?
It was part of how things were back then and a lot of it is taken out of context by people today.

Practice safe sex every time, if you are having sex.

Sie sind ein tapferes Mädchen. Haben Sie Mut!

I'm with Lonnie and yeah, I would change your screen-name. Using your full name is just asking for problems.

I love the comments here, and yes, please take your full name off your blog, both for your privacy and his! Remember, if he just now told you, he perhaps hasn't told other friends and family either.

Second, many Christian churches do not teach the painfully judgmental attitudes you may have encountered. I love these excerpts from the Message translation of Romans 12: "Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it... be good friends who love deeply... discover beauty in everyone..." I'll put the full link so you can read it.

Caitlyn - I'll offer the advice I would give my own daughter Kaitlin - proceed slowly. Explore his intelligence, humor, integrity, kindness. Find activities you love to do - and put all this before sex. And if you do make the decision to have sex, use every precaution to keep your health - and your heart! - safe from harm.

Here's the link; praying for you!
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans%2012&version=MSG

If one in 10 people is gay or bi-sexual which is the statistic frequently cited then if you know 100 people then 10 of them are gay or bi. I am very sorry that one of them was your boyfriend who was not initially honest with you.

It's OVER honey. And you know what? HE'S GAY!!!!!!
In scenarios like this "I'm Bi" is the "letting her down easy" approach. He was gay from nanosecond one but was holding out hope of "changing teams."

But there was call for s short stop and that was that.

Better luck next boyfriend.

And always remember things could be worse:

http://gawker.com/5105770/rush-limbaugh-engaged

Hourglassfigure....
You proved my other point.

Parents give AWFUL advice for sexuality and relationship. Whether you are bi or not makes no difference. There is a big generational gap in terms of these issues.

I have met very few who have given good advice. With regards to teen advice...parents are often suspect. I have heard so much bad advice come from parents in general because there is a lack of some fundimental knowledge.

PS....I am bi. I don't talk to my parents at all, because of thier intolerance. I am also better educated and more successful than either of them.
To me this is a life lesson for her, she can either turn her back on bigotry and deal with this now and not turn her back on this boy. While it may not be the last boy she dates, she will be a much better person for dealing with this honestly and fully. If she doesn't and takes her faith into account she will just be a shallow bigot.

I used to do LGBT legal support for teenagers. There is a right way to do this, and a wrong way, and yes you being a parent is a strike against you. Its more of a rarity that parents give good advice to thier teens on these issues. Thats why you have awful things like abstinance only education. But accross the board there is bad advice from parents on these issues.

The last person she should trust is ANY parent on this issue, whether or not they are her own.

@Sweet Stars:

I'm sorry your parents were assholes. But fortunately, most parents are not. Mine, for example, told me: abstinence education is bullshit; Jesus said love each other and nobody's ever gotten it right since; use birth control; and intolerance is ugly no matter who it is you won't tolerate.

So work your parent issues out on your own blog, sugar, because right here you sound like an intolerant ass yourself.

OMG, what a huge problem for such a young lady. The fact that you are questioning it is a red flag for you. Please seek counseling from your pastor or minister about this problem. rated~

Such big words for such a little girl! I'm kidding. Please do NOT "seek counseling from your pastor or minister about this problem." It sounds to me like you've got it under control, and you really don't need any Christian crap about gays being bad, mmkay?

Caitlyn,

It may be hard to hear all of the "you're 16, relax!" sorts of posts, but it is certainly something to keep in mind - on a number of levels.

1. He waited what *would* be a long time for an adult, in terms of sharing information about his sexuality. But in highschool, and well into our twenties we are all still forming our identities and figuring things out. Lots of young people label broadly and narrow things down later - just as lots of young people label themselves (&/or others) narrowly (christian, straight, conservative, goth, queer, etc.) and broaden their view later in life. Point being, don't focus on his telling you now/then or what he may/may not be identifying as... although this leads me to #2.

2. If a young person identifies as straight, they will likely experiment (to whatever extent their values/morals allow) with people of the opposite sex in order to figure out what feels right, what feels good, how to please another, etc. And gay identified kids want to experiment with people of the same sex. And bi identified kids will likely want to experiment with people of both sexes. What he senses is an attraction to girls and boys. Maybe religious guilt or a religious girlfriend will keep him from the process of personal discovery that this attraction would generally lead to... but not forever. In youth, we experiment and discover who we truly are. Maybe he will discover he doesn't like the act of being with a guy as much as he fantasized it, and he'll end up a straight identified guy. Or maybe he will come to some other conclusion. But you cannot define the boundaries for another person, regardless of your religious beliefs. That will only do harm to all involved.

3. You must accept him for who he is *right now* or you should leave him to find someone who can. So - after some personal reflection, you decide. Can you be a positive entity in this boy's life? Or will your religious beliefs make it too difficult to be with him without constantly drawing his identity into question?

4. If you need your church or your parents or your friends to make this decision for you - I hope you'll see that the decision is already made. And don't out him to these other people in that case. Just let him move on. You are both in a situation which will force you to grow as human beings and that is a lovely thing. Focus on how to honor your values and his being. That should be enough.

Welcome to OS. You are so clever to ask for advice here. Everyone loves to give an opinion so you'll get plenty. All I can say is to thine own self be true, keep it simple, and take what you want (advice?) and leave the rest behind. You are a very thoughtful, reflective, young woman. This bodes well for you. Never close your open heart. It is a gift.

To: SweetStars
I'm a parent of two teenagers and take great offense to your remarks that parents are the worse people to turn to for advice. This isn't true for all parents. Some parents -- many including myself -- work very hard all of our lives re-enforcing how much we love our children and that no matter what problems or troubles they may have, even if these problems may anger us, we will always be supportive to our children. Personally, I have told my children if they feel uncomfortable coming to talk with me directly, they should talk with an aunt or uncle or someone they trust. Also, there are plenty of parents who have graciously accepted their children's decisions just as there are parents who have dropped the ball and ran. You obviously have issues with your parents. And with such issues of bitter resentment, I find it disconcerning that you counsel and provide legal support for children/teenagers in delicate situations that involve sexual and personal identity struggles.

This young lady doesn't need more grief and pain. She needs guidance. You only threw out your personal drama; airing your dirty laundry. Blowing smoke at mirrors does her no good.

Caitlyn, please talk with an adult you trust to be truthful and reflective. If not your mom or dad, someone within your church or your school counselor. However, this situation is ideally one your parents would want you to talk with them. I'm sure your parents love you very much and would hate (as I would if my kids faced a similar situation) to know that you didn't feel like you could talk with them. Sometimes, parents don't "get it" exactly but if you don't give them a chance to help -- they can't help.

Best wishes and my prayers are with you.

I don't have any experience to share with you on this topic, but like a few others I'm a little disturbed that you used your real name. Are you aware that if this is the case, you've outed your boyfriend? And changing your name now won't make much difference, since these pages are cached. Good luck to both of you, you may need it badly.

If you're sexually active, make sure to insist that he use a condom - no matter what. This should be non-negotiable.

I am a Christian too, but not one who thinks it's wrong to be gay. I also don't take the Bible literally. Consequently I've been told by others that I'm not a *real* Christian, and that's fine. You have to think for yourself. Don't rush your decisions. Study and research and think. As with everything, religions have been influenced over time by people with power, money and fear. The love (etc) is still there, but you have to cut through the bull. Everyone will have a different experience, but I do not think it is as complicated as some would like to make it.

I didn't read all the comments, but the one that stuck out was Lonnie's. That is some wisdom to remember.

I agree with the post from Lonnie Lazar, pay attention to how he treats you, and so forth.

And as a Christian I have to tell you that not all Christians believe homosexuality is wrong. A large protestant church, The Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA), just passed a resolution fully accepts homosexuals, not just as members but as ordained pastors in the church. I am very proud to be a member of this church. I recommend that you, your friend, or anyone else reading this post who is struggling with reconciling Christianity and homosexuality, to find someone within the ELCA church, or Episcopal church, or other church that accepts homosexuality, who can discuss this with you.

i dont really care that hes bi,
You said it!

Be kind to him, date him if you want, but don't fall in love with him. It's not safe for you. I know.

Dear Writer~

Consider just being his friend for awhile and give each other the freedom to date others. See where that freedom takes you and where it takes him.

Only time will tell whether you and he were, in retrospect, destined to be together for a relatively short time, a relatively long time or for the rest of your lives. By loosening the reigns and agreeing to be friends, you will both be able to determine whether there are unanswered questions and explorations that you and he need to pursue independently, or whether the feeling of not being able to live apart is mutual and certain for both of you.

Consider your Church's teachings on homosexuality, and consider other Church's teachings. Consider secular (non-religious) understandings of homosexuality. Come to your own conclusions.

Your heart may ultimately be broken, as it might be whether he is bi or not. But consider what you have learned about yourself from the experience of having him in your life. There is meaning and purpose to every relationship no matter whether it ends or changes or endures forever.

Although your heart or his may ultimately be broken, I would suggest that you keep his confidence (meaning, don't "out him" without his permission, especially if it will subject him to harrassment from peers and adults).

Finally, continue to respect each other. The things you have been taught to fear are not always as dangerous as you have been led to believe. But once you and he are sexually active, you do absolutely need to protect yourself against not only pregnancy but STDs as well.
Best wishes.

My guess: the boyfriend ACTED on his bi-sexuality - and he did so recently. That's why he just now came clean about it. And though the writer didn't say so I'm going to assume that Christian or not, after 7 months of dating, they've had sex. But premarital sex is forbidden for good Christians, isn't it? And so is masturbation, birth control, and whole host of other things. If the experience with your boyfriend AND the foolishness of these prohibitions have started to make you doubt the veracity of a belief system you just innately accepted as Fact -- congratulations -- you're on your way to growing up.

Caitlyn-- is this post even about you? You posted a comment on another blog that your "first kiss" was your boyfriend three years ago and you and the guy are "still going strong."
Well, whether it is 7 months or 3 years, I agree with others, you shouldn't "out" this guy either intentionally or unintentionally. It would be an abuse of your trust and could result in actual harm to him if your community is very intolerant.

For that reason, you really should use an alias when it comes to airing very personal details on the Internet, or ask for permission before sharing personal details that affect other people.

Good luck.