Typically when I go underground bad things happen.  I isolate, eat, and rationalize my behavior.  Not this time.  This time I have been grounded and way more focused.  I have lost a total of 72 pounds as of this morning.

It's been tough and a journey -- and I still have long way to go.  My goal is to be under 150 lbs and I still have about 145 lbs to go.

I am still scared.  I still feel like I am on borrowed time.  I realize that's crazy thinking but I think it's what helps keep me motivated.  I realize that I could become height and weight appropriate and drop dead the next day of a heart attack, or a stroke, get hit by a bus, or murdered.  I get all that.  I need to let go of those kinds of fears and just live live.

It's all about writing it down and being conscious about what's going in my mouth.  It's about viewing food differently.  Not as something to comfort me.  Not as something to make me feel good.  Something that fuels my body.  It also means I can't enjoy what I am eating -- it means that I don't need to feel I want to embrace it.

My therapist told me people don't have relationships with food, and that's a bullshit excuse.  I was mad at him for a very long time.  A very long time.  I thought he was full of shit.  But really he's right.  We don't have relationships with food.  Relationships are two way streets, even if its a bad relationship.  Food doesn't give a shit about you and me.  The makers of it do.  Especially the fast food folks, but the reality is, you can't have a relationship with food.  You can have a relationship with yourself and sedate yourself with food I suppose.

I used to laugh when I would hear people say "I am breaking up with cheese"  I am breaking up with milk".  But I get that now.  Fast food is my big down fall.  It still is.  I would really like to say "I will never ever eat fast food again."  However, I am going to stick with the mantra that for today I choose not to eat it.

While I am here bitching, I hate face book.  I stumbled across my former husband who looks terrible.  Just simple terrible.  I got a pang in my heart when I saw him.  To think I used to be crazily in love with him so many moons ago is just mind blowing.  So many years have passed, it's been a lifetime.  Anyhow, I saw his photos and the photos of his wife.  She's much larger than me, and she was in a scooter.  That's my biggest fear, being one of those big fat scooter ladies.  She also looked kind of like me which creeped me out big time.  This motivates me even more to lose weight.  My weight calculator tells me that May 2013 I will be height and weight appropriate.

I hope you are doing all well - I am recommitting to write her more often.