Father's Day has always been a holiday that I would rather ignore. I never had a dad. When I was little, I had a few letters, a black and white photo and a necklace from the man that was supposedly my father.
I was told the reason I could not see him was that he was from another country and was sent back before I was born. That was all I knew for many years. Nobody would talk about it and I did my best to put it out of my head.
My mother got married again, to a man that didn't want any part of me. It didn't matter, I had pretty much been living with my grandmother anyway. My mother was like a distant aunt that I only saw on holidays. If you look at the photos of those holiday gatherings, you will see me scowling everytime I was placed next to her husband.
As I grew up, I just tried to make the best of it. Truthfully, its hard to miss something you never had. Secretly, I was jealous of my friends, most of whom came from "normal" two parent families. Thankfully, I was able to spend time with their families, to pretend, at least for awhile, that I led that kind of life.
Just when I thought that I was "okay", life threw me another curve ball. I had been sorting through some papers left by my aunt who had recently passed away. In the bottom of a box containing cancelled checks, I found my birth certificate, my real birth certificate. Under "Father" was a name I'd never heard before. My grandmother claimed innocence, she knew who this person was, but didn't think he could be my father.
My mother was evasive, when I finally found the courage to ask her. " The family didn't believe me, why should you" was all she said.
For me, it was like I was part of some chessy soap opera. Who was this man? Is he really my father? Did he know? Why wasn't I told? Why did my aunt have this information? Tune in tomorrow for the answers to these and many other questions.
If only it were that simple. Fast forward another 15 years and I'm still no closer to the answers and the best I can do is just accept and move on.
What day is this, again?
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Comments
Take (some) comfort in the fact that you have anchors from the past that you can recall. And the present is where we live anyway; we cannot alter (or sometimes even know) the past, and the future is just as uncertain. The lives we build ourselves now are the lives that count.
And welcome to OS!
Now to your entry sir....Don't ever doubt that you are a writer (I read your bio). This was a powerful story and very well written. You left me wanting answers damnit. You have his name, you know where your mother lived at the time of your birth...do some detective work!
Whatever you decide to do about this mystery, for god's sake don't stop writing this blog. You have a talent and you are good with words and I can't imagine how good your photography is if you write this well.
Lezlie
Patience, Kim. The beauty of your words is doing ok by me.
Thank you to everyone else for making me feel so welcome. I'm overwhelmed by your comments. I will do my best to keep up with all of you, but I must admit I'm out of practice at this writing thing. Blame this post on the day and the fact that this story has been inside me for 30+ years waiting to get out.
This reads like a screenplay, both intriguing and disheartening at the same time. And the final line -- what day is it -- cuts deep.
Two things: (1) I hope you can find answers. (2) God bless your grandmother.