Over four years after my grandmother's passing I still haven't finished sorting through her belongings. I know, I know....four years? And I'm still not done? Don't ask.

Today I came across a sealed envelope labeled "Private - Do Not Open" below that was my name and the words "Please destroy, do not open".

Its a small white envelope that looks like its full of photos. Its not the first time she's asked me to do this. In fact before she died she showed me a box full of letters. She asked that I burn them without reading them.  They were letters to a lost love.  A man she lost due to family obligations. Well, that's not entirely true, mostly it was due to the guilt her parents made her feel, choosing him over them.  She wasn't strong enough to disobey them, despite the fact that she was an adult and had already been married and divorced. 

I'm thinking the photos in this envelope probably have to do with him, but at the same time I can't help but wonder. There are so many secrets in my family, many of them regarding my own life. To this day I still don't know who my real father is. In fact, the last time I opened a sealed envelope left by a deceased family memeber, I discovered my real birth certificate and a name I didn't know listed as my father. So, yes, I'm curious and apprehensive at the same time.

Mostly it makes me sad, sad that she was so embarrassed and ashamed by whatever that envelope contains that she couldn't bear to have anyone see it even after she was gone. 

I really am torn, torn between wanting to learn more about her but also respecting her wishes. I'm also feeling guilty, I can almost hear her say, "you didn't ask me when I was alive, so you don't need to know now that I'm dead." 

Who knows, that envelope may end up back in a drawer to be discovered again in another four years. Maybe then I'll be able to do what I'm supposed to do.