Like any train wreck, car accident, or episode of “America’s Got Talent,” there are some things that humans just can't seem to avert their eyes from, even when it's appropriate or preferable. Lately I haven’t been able to avert my eyes properly from the tragedies that are internet comments. Trolls, idiots, whiners, charlatans, cranky WOW players who haven’t had their daily Mountain Dew injection and other pettifoggers usually populate the comments section of most websites, lurking for the right opportunity to strike. Many thoughtful analyses and studies have been done on various types of commenters, but I fear that if I don’t pen more on the subject immediately our eventual alien overlords might be less merciful when they subjugate us.

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Part of the idea of the internet is that the digital world might outlast the physical one somewhere. Paper burns and stone eventually crumbles, but gigabytes of information could technically last eons. Once we all pay our life's wages for the iBrain, anyway. Future generations or our aliens overloards might want to access this information to get the pulse of our culture. But, if alien archaeologists end up starting at the comments section of any page, we're screwed.

I write idiotic things sometimes. I’ve written things I’m not proud of. I’ve written things that got me into trouble. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but I try to put thought into even the smallest comment I make anywhere in the big Wide World. A quick scan through the comments section of any site on any major news-story will reveal that generally, those sections aren’t reserved for people who put more than a few milliseconds of thought into their words. I won’t even make a joke about grammar and spelling, since that’s too easy. I'm not even talking about comments like “yOu ArE a GaY fAg” or racial epithets, I'm talking about comments left by people over 15 and with at least a 4^th grade education.

After a few weeks of shaking my fist at the screen everytime I read the comments on various controversial stories, I decided that I’d catalog some of the worst offenders. Hopefully, I can show the internet that it’s imperative some thinking people start responding, before the internet eventually decides the human race just isn’t worth dealing with anymore. For example:

A Chicago Tribune story on calls for increased taxes on junk food. At one point, the article says “Junk-food taxes are also unfair, because the poor would be hardest hit, said fiction writer Julie Cochrane of Marshall, Va.: "I am not about to raise taxes on a single mom scraping by on a low-wage job."

_{This "Poor" argument is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life. Those who are poor qualify for food stamps that will byuy abundant amounts of good food. Being poor is not a reason to eat trash that destroys your health. If anything, the poor should use their food stamps to eat nutritious food, maintain health and cut health care and dental costs. I hate government intrusion in any form because so much of it fosters corruption and is merely an excuse to claw tax money from the voters. But people who intentionally destroy their health via junk food and cigarettes then expect free health care are not deserving. They are what's wrong with America.}

_{JJHines (08/24/2009, 3:00 PM )}

Clearly, JJ has never been poor and has probably never seen a food stamp or WIC center. While it is true, such programs do attempt to offer some “nutritious” food options, but the cheaper food is (at least, mass produced food in America), the less nutritious it becomes. Anyone who's spent a few weeks living off of Ramen, Kool aid, and Mac and Cheese or the McDonald's dollar menu can tell you that. We're intentionally destroying ourselves? Again, JJ must be some kind of Ned Flanders type super human who's biggest vice is plain flavored ice milk.

_{This man is proudiddily doodely}

JJ is right to be suspicious about such a program, since a tax to “curb obesity” smacks of nanny state engineering. Except, the burden is placed on the average American, rather than the corporation that created the problem in the first place. Of course, if the tax would've been levied on the supply side, we'd probably be having town hall debates about food right now.

Big Salon article on why Catholic Bishops should support health care reform.

_{The Axis of Evil}

_{The Catholic Church actively works to deny equal rights to people (homosexuals, for one), conspires to avoid its criminal and civil liabilities (works tirelessly to oppose laws making it easier for the victims of abuse to obtain discovery, for example), continues to exploit the poor by using the threat of hell against intelligent birth control, and rails against the logic and reason of science in favor of make-believe and hocus-pocus.}

_{They are a terrorist organization. Nothing more. Let's treat them like one, and throw their leaders in jail and grab their ill-gotten money.}

_{-- Factoidus Permalink Flag Sunday, August 23, 2009 07:20 PM}

Factoidus has a point – the Church has problems. But, in the comments section of the web, hyperbole reigns supreme. Does the Catholic Church rail against logic and science? You betcha. Does the church's stance on homosexuals and abuse victims need a serious reworking? Absolutely. Are all the leaders of the Church terrorists? Hardly. While the Church has done some shitty things over time

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_{And for a long time - remember the "Children's Crusade?"}

that kind of sentiment negates any of the good Catholics have done. You know, all that charity and helping the poor stuff? Those priests and nuns that protest the murderous SOA every year? Definitely the behavior of terrorists. The world just isn't that black and white. I ask you to find me an organization or government that has a history of a few hundred years and a penchant for grabbing power that hasn't both harmed and helped people.

Fox News article about Eric Holder's appointment to probe the CIA interrogations of prisoners. Fox News and Youtube are two special places of internet comment hell that will someday be listed as crimes against humanity. I chose the former because if I see one more sullen adolescent vlog or read one more flame war over emo music versus rap music, I might turn into an idiot.

_{by marineinva [Aug 24, 2009 5:17:57 PM]}

_{Before anyone says that the CIA officers should be prosecuted, put yourself in their shoes. They are dealing with an enemy whose members are religious zealots that would murder anyone unlike them without hesitation. Image the stress and strain of having to deal with such people day in and day out. The officers of the CIA deal with these people on a daily basis far away from their loved ones. It is easy for us to sit back in the comfort, and safety of the United States of America close to our loved ones who we know are safe because of the efforts of the CIA, and then say how terrible they are for doing such a thing. But if you think you are so morally superior you are more than welcome to take their places or would you have the courage to do so.}

This was really the only comment that didn't include the word “libtard” or refer to all non-conservatives as terrorists. Marineinva makes a good point. We do need to put ourselves in others shoes. If we did that, outside of the relative comfort of the United States, we might find out some interesting things about the world (for example, what it's like to walk on a road mined with cluster bombs). Also, it probably is pretty stressful torturing religious zealots all day and the officers doing so are pretty far from their loved ones, since it's not legal to torture people in this country. Of course, I'm not morally superior than anyone – however, wouldn't the morally superior route be to *not* torture people?

Because Fox News is a special type of internet hell, it gets two comments.

_{Justice Department needs to start investigating BO and his administration for their treatment of the American people. Cruel and unjust punishment is being put on the American people every day. From threats to robbing American he should be removed from office. We have been called terrorist and mobs . He has done more damage to America in 7 months then any one thought possible. This is undue and unusual punishment. People are feeling tortured as their lively hood is being taken away. Mental abuse when BO talks down to the people that isn't on board with his plans. So the JD can stop the smoke screen they have some thing real to investigate.}

I'm going to leave Shady1's poor grammar and sentence structure alone. We're all guilty, even those of you out there who are English teachers. However, aside from pointing out the obvious – that the livelihoods of many Americans were taken away well before Obama took office, for example – Shady1 has a special type of ignorance. “We have been called terrorist and mobs.” Does Shady1 mean that Americans have been called terrorists and mobs by the rest of the world? Because that's been happening since long before the first pixel of porn wound up on the internet. (footnote – Scientists theorize approximately 1.2 nanoseconds after the first email was sent in 1971) This character probably means “we” as in conservatives who comment on Fox News. If that's the case, I can only say “welcome to my world,” since folks who love Fox call anyone who doesn't “terrorist mobs” on a daily basis.

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Fox News viewers surround the last Keith Olbermann fan

It's easy to ignore this unfortunate confederacy of dunces, but their ranks are growing every day. With every town hall, every sensationalist story, every cable news pundit bellowing that the sky has only been falling for the past 7 months, truth gets a little more obfuscated. Internet comments may not be a bastion of intelligence, but they do reflect the pulse of some people. And those people's opinions and views effect others and so on. No, internet commenters won't turn us into a nation of callous ignoramouses, but they do show the world what a bunch of jerks some people can be.