Things I Think About

 

I really want to go to a theme park.

- Am I too big for the bar to lock in place?

            Yes: 0_o

            No: I can go.

- Can the contraptions there hold my weight?

            Yes: I can go.

            No: 0_0 … I’ve finally reached critical mass.

- Can I walk around all day without really resting?

            Yes: I can go.

            No: I should go to walk around and work off the reason why the answer is no.

- Can I survive an entire day without a real net connect?

            Yes: Good.

            No: The first step is to admit you have a problem.

 

I really want to go outside and play in the warm weather.

- Will I get sweaty in less than 10 minutes?

            Yes: I think I saw an episode of Xena I hadn’t seen in a while coming on.

            No: I can go.

- Will I need to wear shorts?

            Yes: People will go blind; I should stay in.

            No: I can go.

- Will I lose my nice pale complexion?

            Yes: I should stay in or risk losing my gamer card.

            No: I can go.

- Can I survive being away from a real net connection for that long?

            Yes: Good, that’s healthy.

            No: The second step is to know there is something bigger than myself that can help me overcome this.

 

I really want to go to the pool.

- Will other people be there to see me in a swimsuit?

            Yes: Maybe I can wear a cover-up?

            No: Let’s go; let me just get my cover-up.

- Will this cause blindness?

            Yes: The cover-up is a bad idea; it just makes it worse.

            No: Let’s go; let me just put on some shorts and a shirt.

- Can I cover up the flab so people will not go blind?

            Yes: The shorts and shirt were a good idea.

            No: Oh. My. Gawd. The shirt and shorts don’t fit anymore.

- Can my laptop handle being that close to open water?

Yes: Maybe I shouldn’t touch the laptop with wet hands?

            No: It’s good day to stay in and enjoy a nice relaxing day inside.

- Can I survive being away from a real net connect for that long?

            Yes: I can always play Elder Scrolls: Oblivion while at the pool.

            No: The fourth step is a self investigation of my morals. (Heh, I said ‘self investigation’), and to examine my past errors.

 

I really want to go to Wal*Mart.

- Is what I’m wearing appropriate?

            Yes: I can go.

            No: I need to put pants on.

- Can I get into and out of the store within 10 minutes?

            Yes: I can go.

            No: I’m on a suicide mission.

- Will people notice the purchase of a cake and diet soda together?

            Yes: I probably don’t need the diet soda.

            No: Hurray for self check-out!

- Am I wearing/doing something that risks being put in peopleofwalmart.com?

            Yes: I should stay home… forever.

            No: I can go.

- Can I survive being away from a real net connection for that long?

            Yes: Good; Some Wal*Marts have free wifi anyway.

            No: The fourth step is to make amends for my past misdeeds. (Sorry about missing your 60^th birthday, Grandma. My Druid was only 2 levels away from 80.)

 

I really want to go out drinking with my friends.

- Am I likely to lose clothing?

            Yes: People will go blind; let’s stay in and order pizza.

            No: We can go.

- Are we going some place ‘seedy’?

            Yes: Sounds like an adventure; let me just make sure I leave everything of value at home.

            No: We can go.

- Are my friends likely to leave me some place?

            Yes: I’m driving.

            No: We can go; let me be nice and drive.

- If I pass out, will my friends do something horrible to me and post it online?

            Yes: I still have those unpublished pictures of them from the last night out.

            No: We can go… leave all your cell phones in the car.

- Can I survive being away from a real net connection for that long?

            Yes: Good… good…

            No: The fifth step is to learn to live by a new code… wait, did WoW just drop a patch?

 

I really want fly somewhere.

- Will the airline charge me for a second seat because of my size?

            Yes: Time to rent a car for travel.

            No: Happy flying.

- Will the airline charge extra because of the extra weight I’m bringing on board?

            Yes: I understand Guinness is looking for a new ‘largest person’; I hope they don’t find me.

            No: I can go.

- Can I sit in the seat without having my flab make the other passenger(s) uncomfortable?

            Yes: I can go.

            No: Why wasn’t I charged for a second seat? Maybe I should just preemptively buy one? That’s expensive. I’ll just send a card.

- Could I stay afloat long enough for rescue if need be?

            Yes: What do you know? Flab floats well!

            No: Yeah… eating those 2 cinnamon buns was probably a bad idea.

- Could I survive being trapped on a mountainside after a crash?

            Yes: I have a lot of stored up reserves.

            No: Food… *twitch*

- Will there be a movie on the flight?

            Yes: Cool

            No: Cool

- Can I survive being away from a real net connect for that long?

            Yes: That’s very good.

            No: The last step is to help others over come… no, seriously, there’s a new expansion for WoW? Hold on while I get my headset.