when you put these poems together, i can totally see your neighborhood. i don't know how you do it - i look at the words to see if individually or in clumps they say what i think the picture is, and they don't always but the picture is still clear. hoping that "introduction" means there will be more ...

I love the repetition of Kevin with his arms awry. It gave the poem a lovely lyrical quality.
rated with love

Good critique - and please, anyone who reads this feel free to critique! I think this is flawed and all feedback is welcome. Thanks Candace - I hope your comment prompts more discussion.

Thanks RP That's the one part that I won't revise...thanks so much!

Looking forward to more, Kevin with his arms awry :)

Such personality in the visuals of your words and characters. Really good poetry!

Thanks M.C. S. and Just Cathy - join in the critique if you'd like, and thanks for your comments...Kevin is one of my heroes!

Totally self indulgent thread:

I see them all go by.

Kevin with his arms awry, walking fast to the bus.

The woman leaning to the early bar, sincerely

as if there were wing or wind .

The guy next door hits the punching bag

and looks up in disgust.

There might be a problem.

I can't proclaim happiness or eagerness .

Kevin goes by walking too fast, his arms awry.

I thought he was young, but his hair is grayer

than the dawn that upset me, the dawn when

all was doubt again, except the next part.

The woman walks to the bar, leaning and smoking.

It's early and it has to be done, these things.

Following, following a rough choice or the

comfort of madness that I watch, for now.

"the comfort of madness..", wonderful line, wonderful poem. Great work.
Rated.

One day I will get it right, but just now I would like to kill this poem.

To choose madness is always a rough choice! Then again, why walk the streets, if you can observe it all from your front porch!?
Invigorating view and prose.
R

If you mean critique as suggestions for improvement, I'm afraid I cannot offer it. I found your poem startling, defamiliarizing, provocative--it made me think and feel, and brought both up short, as with a sudden, in-drawn breath. The poem reminds me a bit of Yeats's "The Second Coming," especially in its tonal quality. I guess the only critique I can offer is positive. I liked this, a lot.

A new day
get off the porch
walk past your fear
safeness
and look back

Hi aim! been following your poem through the night off and on, along with the insomnia. I had nothing to add but love to see how your mind works and the newest revision is much smoother, deeper. I like the narrative voice that is watching from afar, gathering. Great idea to live blog the writing of it.. seeing the technique of refinement.

following a rough choice or the

comfort of madness


perfect.

This poem draws me in and makes me want to explore it further. It is very concrete but suggests deeper things...

Significant change in that revised last line--"comfort of madness I stay put, for now." seems to put the madness on you; "comfort of madness that I watch, for now." puts it on them. Actually, could work both ways: "the madness that I watch" (their madness) and "the madness that [all I do is] watch." So the revision is deliciously ambiguous.

There's also a difference in staying put (not changing anything) and watching (simply observing). I kinda liked "stay put" when I read it, but now that I've found the double meaning in "watch," I prefer that.

Love these lines: "but his hair is grayer / than the dawn that upset me, the dawn when / all was doubt again, except the next part," especially (in revision) the reduction to one dawn.

Compelling poem, aim. More!

I find it intriguing and want to know more about who is watching and why.

Thanks and sorry not to comment more than this - I'm stealing the internet from a neihbor as mine is broken, which requires me to type from a corner of my bedroom. Thanks so much - I think I can revise this and expand.

Kevin is quite the dude.....