August 04
♪♫•**•.¸♥¸.•*¨*•♪♪♫•**•.¸¸♥ I like cheese, wine, art openings, art shoes, art installations, poetry, single malt scotch, the sublime if I can define it, the ridiculous whenever i can find it, food in general, ethnographic history ie OPS ie Other People's Stories.


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AUGUST 14, 2011 1:37AM


Rate: 13 Flag

 There are squirrels in my walls. It's a problem. The squirrels are really bold - not afraid of lazy cats, apparently. I get all "Yellow Wallpaper" at times - because I turn down everything  that makes sound and say "Did you hear that?" half hysterically.

I am becoming Charlotte Perkins Gilman. Only I can hear the squirrels 

The squirrel guy came over. I have had a tough week with crisis calls – like, for me to say that it has been crazy means crazy – so I was fairly passed out on two hours sleep when Andrea, the very sweet landlord, started a knockin’.

I just accepted it into my violent dream  and plunged everything together. Death is here and I really DID want to eat bbq and drink gallons of water!

Two of these things are true as I launch myself from bed. it's sweet Andrea and the squirrel guy.

The squirrel guy is exactly that. I’m sleepy, making tea, and he is really eager to figure out the squirrel problem.. I live on the third (top) floor so it is easiest to access squirrels from my porches and hallway, and for some reason last night I said they can go through my apartment to get back and forth. I curse my dead mother for instilling politeness in me while rubbing my eyes and trying to make tea. You would think they would allow me some tea!

(ok now one wandering cat decided to come home and is meowing and I have no pity at all. He needs a job.)

The squirrel guy asks me questions that might make sense. Where do you hear the squirrels in the walls? I tell him and he asks: “What time of day?” and I’m like, um, what season? Since squirrel dude they are in the walls but more when it;.s like winter? They live in the walls.

The squirrels are in the walls. “What time? Is it morning or evening?
 “Um, I notice it more in the evening when I’m home.”

“Would that be early evening or later or both?”

“Um, both? Because I can hear them …”

“Is it more like a six o’clock squirrel or a ten o’clock squirrel?”


The whole premise being that my landlords don’t want to get rid of the squirrels inhumanely, so this guy gets the job …I am flummoxed between a six o’clock squirrel and the possibility of an 8:30 squirrel.

What the fuck is a ten o’clock squirrel?

This is why I have writer's block. 

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I should probably close comments.
Quite hard to spell. A rodent by any name. I hope they trap the little buggers quickly so that you might have some quiet. By the by Happy belated birthday!
I hope that work slows down. Grand to read you and I do wish you some deep rest.
Don't close comments.
You do what you wish.
Feed the rodents nuts.

Call 9-11 to exterminate.
Place them in the pants.
Kerry loves squirrels.

I could not sleep `gin.
Give commonplace do.
Squirrels in underpants?
Kerry feed nut to mouse.
Kerry feed nut to hippie.
I was deleted earlier.
I keep bantering too.
Editor ? Big rodent?
No be nut scornful.
Why acts so nutty?
Kerry chatters too.
He get katydid too.
Tattoo a tit mouse.
Put two on thighs.

The sordid is poetic.
Only fool is scorned.
Feed food acorn nut.
Most of my uneasiness begins when the squirrels get o the internet and discuss economic problems.
Brilliant, though I'm sorry those squirrels are driving you crazy. I'm glad your landlord wants to get rid of them humanely - and I hope it goes well and you get un-Charlotte Perkins Gilmann'ed soon.
Maybe the squirrel guy is a whisperer. We used to sit on the sidewalk as kids and rap walnuts together. The squirrels would come and take them from us and scurry away. Never seemed grateful, just greedy as hell. Buried many of them for winter. Lordy, I'm starting to write like Art. All I need do is break up the sentences into fragments. Love your poem to Ryan. He pulled no punches. We got into a shouting match once (many upper case letters) in a comment thread. Have no clue what it was about. He was forgiving. Miss the dude. Never talked to him on the phone. Should have.
Yeah, those squirrels can chew through your wires and cause a fire, so it's important to evict them...I had squirrels in my attic, they had chewed a hole in the side of my house, and I could hear them partying up there...I waited until a nice day when I figured they were outside, and closed up the hole.
When we renovated, the contractor brought me what appeared to be a rat on a stick. It was dead electrocuted squirrel with its teeth still biting down on the wire that ended its life in my attic! Lure them out with peanuts and stuff the holes with steel mesh sprayed with ammonia...Keeps them out.

And take a sledge hammer to that block.
What was that, Harry?
That was the 10:00 squirrel. Ayup.

Track down "Squirrel Cop" from "This American Life." One of the funniest stories ever.
I used to get bats in the house. They actually don't bother me and I became pretty adept at knocking them senseless with an old tennis racket, scooping them up in a coffee can, and releasing them outside. They dekiltered my wife, though, so I finally called a bat guy (he prefers bat wrangler) who said I was basically running a bat Hyatt. He solved the problem (evicted the bats, as he said), but I still find myself at times listening for that telltale rustling in the walls. The tennis rackets and coffee can, one for each floor, still stand ready.
You are pretty funny on lack of sleep. Why do people want to treat animals humanely? Once a critter crosses the line of domicile, he is fair game.
Ha! My mom just got rid of some for now. Of course the room I sleep in the attic when I stay there, was exactly where they saw the little buggers behind the little doors to a storage space. They learned to steal from the traps.
They make a lot of racket. Hope you get some tea and the poetry starts flowing soon friend.
I sense the haze this came out of. Fun read, and I hope the guy persuaded them to move on....
Woe. I know a Amish youth.
He does the hobby taxidermy.
Save creature and get stuffed.

IfI croak I ask to be stuffed.
I'll sit in a wood rocking chair.
I'll invite folks over for a beer.
Buy a berry called "Merry Monk."
No look for any hidden tattoo.
I have nun on my upper thigh.
You (folk) may please chatter.
I'll sit in rapt attention. silence.
I love to listen to Life's Stories.
We all have one her/his stories.
Oh, this made me laugh on a Sunday morning! I couldn't find a link to an article I once read about the social lives and incredible intelligence of squirrels, despite their propensity for raiding bird feeders and carving up lawns. But here's a link to some of the cutest squirrel pictures I've ever seen, it might help take the edge off when you're grinding your teeth over ten o'clock squirrels...
Ten o'clock squirrels are the worst. Absolutely vicious. No conscience whatsoever.
My old boyfriend used to feed squirrels on his porch, and as a result, they grew tamer than typical city squirrels. One day while he was out, they tore off the window screen and gorged in his pantry. Put your Cheerios in an airtight plastic container, just in case the Squirrel Whisperer isn't convincing enough.
I love, love, love the existential squirrel time dilemma. Too bad your kitchen clock lets out bird calls on the hour rather than squirrel sounds, then you could tell what hour squirrels they really are. You could not make that guy up...
No to closing comments but do get some sleep and then come back desquirreled and less stressed and with some peace in your life, I hope.
I get roof rats in my ceiling once in awhile and do the same thing while watching the cats look at each other saying you go, no you go!
Tonight I can't hear them...but it's summer and they might be anywhere at this point. I'm questioning this humane approach - are they now trapped and squirrel guy is coming back? In which case, well, they outnumber us. I think perhaps some birth control is in order.
Sylla - I did have to google it. I wanted to add an extra "l" in there. They don't deserve anything more than my sanity, correct?

No worries Art, although I empathise with not sleeping! I THINK I get the acorn metaphor.

Jan: Absolutely agreed. Although the squirrels that are not discussing economic policies seem to have a better plan for the future.
Thanks Alysa - CPG is one of my favorite authors from that time, and I love being able to reference "The Yellow Wallpaper".

Thanks matt! It is a cross reference I guess, but I'm sure Ryan had a splendid opinion about squirrels! I like them fine but there seem to be a lot of them and they should probably go live in trees again.

Wow Frank! I agree, and I won't agonize over the many months of feeling crazy while saying: "The squirrels are in the walls" In the heating vents - I did not want the smell of slow roasted squirrels, nor electrocuted squirrels leading to an interruption of my internet!

Linnm - I will pass on your suggestions to the squirrel whiperer! That's f'ing gnarly. There's plenty of trees around here, so...I guess they need some knowledge that this building is not a tree?

I shall AHP - and I LURVE TAL. it's weird when you get so crazy that you imply intentions on small mammals. I have a huge persecution complex.

jerry D! (you whom I have to rescue from inbox neglect due to your name being "spam".) Bats! I think that would drive me to the point of the obvious word. I've liberated a bat on occassion - a broom, a small trash can and usually a record album comes in handy. Maybe next time I'll use a really bad record album, or maybe I'll try a little bit of Megadeth on the squirrels.