(I got so many wonderful critiques when I shared this the first time - thank you all! And more critique is welcome. So this is my latest revision...)
From the porch I see them all go by.
Kevin with his arms awry, walking fast to the bus.
The woman leaning to the early bar, sincerely
as if there were wing or wind .
The guy next door hits the punching bag
and looks up in disgust.
There might be a problem.
I can't proclaim happiness or intent.
Kevin goes by walking too fast, his helicopter arms.
I thought he was young, but his hair is grayer
than the dawn that upset me, the dawn when
all was doubt again, except the next part.
The woman walks to the bar, leaning and smoking.
It's early and it has to be done, these things.
Following, following a rough choice or the
comfort of madness that I watch, for now.
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Comments
Rated.
rated with love
You really want suggestions? Really?
Okay. Replace or dispense with the word "walking" whenever it refers to Kevin. It minimizes/commonizes the beauty of his odd movement. His unusual way of moving is what gives us the picture of him. "Go/goes by" works, because it doesn't specify normal gait.
Here's why I find this startlingly powerful. First, the repetition of "following" which emphasizes "rough choice or the/comfort of madness," which, in my interpretation of "or" I take as not two separate things but the same thing: the "has to be done," the "rough choice" as a "comfort of madness," madness as the has-to-be-done for reasons we cannot quite articulate, the "rough choice" we are compelled to make for reasons we cannot say. But, the hint of hope in the fact that it's "early."
No doubt I've done that thing my students complain about: that "English teacher thing." Still, for me, your poem packs power, a power that very quietly explodes in the concluding lines.