Sitting in the backseat,
listening to the Turk and the Amoeba
and hoping I can read this
when the lights are on.

I think:
You phony motherfucker,
you think you're so tricky,
don't you?
I see right through you...

I have a lot on my mind lately
and their droning accents
distract me a little.
I sat in the… Read full post »

This makes me physically ill. I did not write this--it's from PETA's website. If you have a heart, please take the time to visit the page and ask UU to stop needless animal suffering. 

For more than eight months in 2009, a PETA investigator worked undercover inside the laboratories of… Read full post »

I think:
maybe i have never loved more than this...
Kitten's nose in my neck,
my nose in his.
Breathing him in.
Dusty cotton smell
and rabbit fur soft.

Maybe i have never loved more than this,
but I don't want the dog to hear
or all the other cats who have passed
to hear me utter these words.
I… Read full post »

How am I doing, you ask?
Me? I'm fine.
The same simple imbecile
stuck somewhere between an idiot
and a moron.

I read today that adolescent suicide rate
has quadrupled since WWII.
Depression has become an epidemic in America
(along with violence).

We are both closed up like reluctant oysters now...
and I can't… Read full post »

I think,
maybe,
you can tell
what my mental health
is like
if you'd,
please,
just look
at my fingernails...

I loved you once,
more than once,
and I see--
I mean--I know
it was me
that completely
depleted you.
Self-defeatist
attitude.

I have been
at your mercy
for a long time now,
because it's easy for me to
be the bi… Read full post »

is it true that dogs get stinkier with age?

it is not a smell that's unwelcomed by me, however...

my throat and stomach ache, burn.

I hate myself something awful, 

but often feel the need to reach out.

Is anyone else out there phone-shy?

Who else chain-smokes?

Fasts?

Doesn't sleep… Read full post »

I am feeling...

bordering crazy today.

Trying to read books.

Hate it here.

So much of me 

is trapped in my head 

and oh no,

the worst freecreditreport.com commercial is on.

Reminding us we have no credit!

I filed Bankruptcy almost 4 years ago...

My father reminds me I can't live… Read full post »

Where have all the honey bees gone?

Are they in for the season now?

Seems to be only flies left.

Landing on filth or plants--

the old hopes of a garden--

and some of our dying hedges.

I try not to hate the flies,

though I find them gross and annoying...… Read full post »

John Fante's son, Dan Fante's wonderful interview on NPR. Pleasse give it a listen. He's a wise man. Hope I did the cut and paste link right. 

http://podcastdownload.npr.org/anon.npr-podcasts/podcast/13/113328189/npr_113328189.mp3?_kip_ipx=1426452247-1254513658 Read full post »

Conformity might feel worse than death.

 "Butler"

she says,

"--if you need to go, you will need to go in the daytime. "

"They have better staff then."

"Yes".

I know it, I think. 

Time does feel impossible to me now.

Can't get my timing down for anything.… Read full post »

McAlister,

seems to me,

you 

been shaming me.

Seems

you are cowardly

in ways that 

you are

otherwise brave.

Braver than most 

I know.

You suck

at doing 

fucking laundry,

but surely,

you are bold...

(in ways others are not)

and I've always loved that.

Now don't you… Read full post »

I am blinded

by dreams 

of bright, white light

but I wake up 

blanketed by despair. Read full post »

Do you promise me things (vital)--

like a dinner...

full of potatoes and maybe chicken or pork chops

and know 

when you're talking

it's a full-blown fucking lie??

I miss my father.

A man you and yours 

will never compare to... Read full post »

And away on the ferry we go...

 Thought this relationship had arrived at or was nearing Deadsville, That boy always surprises me...still not sure if surprises are my thing or not, but i will not bitch about it. Oh god, what to do?? I wanted so badly just to love him… Read full post »

...and I need love too.

Outside,

I am sad the summer is escaping us. 

The air is still and it is chilly.

I think:

I'll have a healthy glass of wine...

though drinking wine in the morning

probably isn't healthy at all.

I am determined to get rid 

of… Read full post »

or some odd days mow,

and you'd think 

I'd be feeling better.

No more stomach issues,

no more sleeping problems.

AK 9/7/09 Read full post »

Oh STC~

Like talking on the phone

with you

when you're talking--

i mean, drinking

'cos that's when you're talking.

I must admit,

You have been more than

a bit of a 

mystery 

to me.

You are 

(or I feel you become)

a complete stranger

to me--

in between visits.… Read full post »

For those of you who don't know,

I am a recently-detoxed, recovering

no-good-piece-of-shit.

I knew I was kind of a jerk

for years,

but,

just recently I have had plenty of down-time 

to realize how crummy of a person

I really am.

Or have been.

Sleepless nights are… Read full post »

Losing it--

maybe,

a little.

I drink Scotch,

though

I know 

it's Fucking Disgusting.

What shall I do though??

No more pills...

that made me sleep,

made me un-hungry??

made me still...

do you dream of you??

Do you have drug dreams??

YES.

I drink 

because i have

no solution for… Read full post »

Can't sleep.

Nearly 

drove my Lover away yesterday.

Drank a whole bottle of wine

by myself.

I convinced myself

the wine is better

than the scotch.

Humpback Billy got away.

My  Precious Kitten.

Bobcat Billy.

Fernando, 

I sometimes call him. 

DARLING.

It's annoying, I know...

I can'… Read full post »

I just don't hardly check

my email 

anymore.

Randy's dead and gone.

Even then, 

he used to send me porn.

The scotch turns out to be

Fucking Disgusting.

I see what someone else

(I held dear to me)

said;

Drinking is oblivion,

and therefore,

represents 

a very slow suicide...… Read full post »

I wonder now,

at the age of 30,

if i have lived enough.

Perhaps not.

 Something explored our trash last night.

All these people,

expecting...

wanting something from me--

I can't take it.

Don't want it.

They're all waiting for me to come through.

And I don't have the Answers.

The… Read full post »

Taking those pills--

surely, it was bad for me.

Tremendously bad.

But, in a way,

they helped.

Helped to drown

and 

defecate 

on this anxious part of me. 

ak.8.26.09

  Read full post »

Shitting again.

It's 6:30 a.m.

I have been up since 4.

Inside. Outside.

    Inside.

     Outside.

I had to skip Darts tonight.

Seemed Drunk.

Though hardly.

Not. Even. High.

I will tell you, though--

This Shit- House-Kick

bullshit

gets old.

Sick of wiping my own ass.

The Insom… Read full post »