alexis,

This is going to be rough at times.

"I have tried to die a little
here and there
everyday."

Yes. Pulling for you everyday.

i'm sorry for your pain.

You listen to me
the child I held on to today
WANTS TO DIE!!!
But you will stay here
Because you have great things to do yet
Helper of Mankind
You will save these animals
Rated
And I need you here
And because the child that held on to me
WANTS TO LIVE!!!

My thoughts are with you here.

alexis, another poem of yours that strikes me with its pain, its wisdom, its ability to look at reality, and with the strength that comes from self-awareness.

i am so sorry for the subject matter. i continue to root for you, but also to become more confident that you are going to triumph.

maybe randy is loitering, giving you strength right now.

Have you read all of Bukowski yet? (Me neither and if you have---there are more worth reading) Guy made it a very long time. Produced a lot of brilliant poetry---made poetry people understood!

Like you.

I am so conflicted. On the one hand I would have you not suffer. On the other hand, listening to you is so fascinating. Whatever happens, keep writing.

I'm sorry about Randy. Losing someone you care for is always hard, no matter what their age, but when they are so young it seems to violate a natural law. Suicide though is it's own vicious pain for those who are left behind. No explanation is ever complete because there is so rarely ever a reason that any of us can understand for such an act.

You must carry on with your life, live it with extra vigor, a little extra living with Randy in mind. Some day in the future you will be someplace or be doing something that reminds you of him and instead of feeling sad you will smile to yourself, gladdened by the reminder of the person he was. It will happen.

It's always hard losing someone, especially when they're young but suicide in particular leaves so much more anguish on those left behind.

I don't have stength I can offer you. Only condolenscenes and love.

Hey Al,
I spent a lot of my life hoping to find that other that would make sense out of me. I spent a lot of time in pursuit that turned out to be running away. There was a lot of anger in my house growing up and the physical aspect was even less scary than the mindless rage. I thought I deserved somewhere to find that unconditional love that we are told of- to find a safe spot on the couch with my head resting on someones lap while they watched tv. Just quietly resting knowing that someone was going to take care of me and I would take care of them. But it never played out that way. I had to stop worrying about what I had been cheated out of and start getting out there and making what I needed to happen for myself. I had been hoping that someone would take partial responsibility for me. That they would carry me in from the car and up the stairs and tuck me into bed (metaphorically) and I would wake up to no fighting and no tension and no anger. If I could just get a little of this for a little while I was sure I could get my shit together. One day I realized that it was just me. If I wanted my shit together I was going to have to get it together myself. I didn't want to face that truth all that time. To give up the dream of feeling secure in someone else's love and being taken care of and taking care in return. What I wanted, the way I wanted it was too much. Too much to ask of another person. The depth of my need in the end was less relevant than the inability of anyone to reasonably meet it. So I faced this unwanted truth and set about patching up those holes little by little. Taking more responsible views and doing the little things that build character and complete us as human beings.
I don't believe in karma in the way that most people do but picture it as standing in a mud puddle. While you're standing there your shoes, socks, pants legs are soaking up the water. One day you wise up and and step out of the puddle but your pants, shoes etc are still dripping wet, there's mud caked on them and you slosh around everywhere you go. People are glad to see that you got smart and aren't standing in the puddle bitching about your wet shoes anymore but they still aren't sure how they feel about having you walk through their living room. Eventually things dry but still some old mud clings and you (having forgotten for awhile) are reminded of your muddier days. Shit! was that really me? Eventually you buy some new shoes and socks get rid of those old pants and walk around in a new way. People don't associate you so much with the muddy shoes anymore and don't think twice about letting you walk across the new carpet.
So what's this got to do with anything? Maybe nothing, maybe everything. I don't know you or your circumstances well enough to even presume to give any real advice. But I hope you do well and realize that there is more than this pain in life. That there is more to you than this pain. And that sometimes we just have to step out of where we are and slog through to a better place and let things dry out a bit. Anyway if you want to go shoe shopping let me know.

Suicide is the most selfish act of all, leaving no consideration for the ones who must live with the anguish created by the abysmal loss due to suicide. Love yourself. You are worthy and worth it. It is ok to love and to mourn Randy, too, but you must continue on. You are strong, you can make it. I have no doubt your mother will gladly help you get through this grief. Be good to yourself and to those you love you with a brand of love like none other.

As far as grieving goes: I know how weak and fruitless any words of mine would be in any attempt to lighten your grief from a loss so overwhelming as suicide. I can only pray that God rushes in to soothe your pain so you may carry on and find your smile again.

I am sorry, I have no words.

Just hope for your best.

Just so you know I do understand.
And to give you this: ((((hug)))

Maybe this is out of line but maybe it would help to forgive yourself as when suicide is involved the person contemplating it can't see anything else any hope and there was nothing you could have done or should have done differently that could have saved him. Forgive yourself and then forgive him as he really didn't know what he was doing or how much hurt he would leave behind. Love to you and hugs and I hope you can find some peace.

After reading Tijo's comment, I have to say I totally concur. I wish you peace of mind. It's just a breath away, if you allow it. Pain is so horribly seductive at times. You ARE someone without it. There's someone "unmuddied" underneath.

Beautiful piece.

This is the second time that I have been faced with the task of what to say to a person who lost someone to suicide. I learned the first time around there's not a goddamn thing you can say. All you can do is listen. So that's what I'll do.

Listening

oh, sweetheart, this is so sad and beautiful. i know what big big loss is like and it's terrible grief and pain. i know. but i promise you that with some time, you will think of Randy's life and not focus on his death. he wouldn't want you to die. i know what it's like to feel like you want to leave the planet. i get it, love. i do. it's hard to feel this pain. wanting to medicate makes sense. but it is that slow death, as you said, "here and there". it's takes courage to live and to grieve and i believe that you have that in you. i know you do. love love love and gratitude for your honesty and courage.

Alexis, I echo what Jay said, I'm sorry, and I have no words. Peace.

I have got very little to say. English isn't my mother tongue and my English is very rough.

Your poem is good. Please continue with writing. You might as well try doing music. You might get a small keyboard and some bells. And do some recordings. You might do a song of your poem. Sometimes it is easier to express yourself in music than by writing.

One of my brothers has done a lot of music. For example here:

http://www.volcanictongue.com/artists/browse_all/5361
http://diogenes.greedbag.com/buy/flying-over-0/

My idea is that sometimes you don't know what to say. And sometimes there are no words for it. But you can still express your feelings using other ways. With music, cleaning your house or someone else's house. Or changing your ways of doing the things.

You might for example to go to a yoga center for a couple of weeks. Stop completely all drugs including alcohol, coffee, tobacco.

Some times you can't see the pain of the person to help them from doing down the wrong path. They don't see it as wrong, they see it has a good thing. But death without sight of the colors in the rainbow or the laughter in the wind is never ending death. You live and some day they will find their way home through your sight of love and rainbows and laughter. I know you don't understand what I maybe telling you but have faith that in your life they will find their way back.... May God bless you with the sight to see that you are the strength they need even after death.