I've always been fascinated with disease. The ever-present fight between human survivability and infectious agents, the damage the human body can take and how little is sometimes necessary for it to not take it, and the obscure and rare disorders that stretch medical knowledge. I've had family members with the usual suspects - diabetes, hypertension, cancer, heart disease. And I've struggled with loss and the difference between preventable and simply unfortunate deaths.

I pursued basic medical science because of this fascination and my experiences. This pursuit included medical school pathology courses, and I learned the textbook examples of diseases, including autoimmunity, an odd disorder in which the body fights against itself. I distinctly remember a number of the textbook examples of disease, the pictures of rashes, infections, and pain in full glory (and the recollection that I threatened to blind myself if I had to look at any more syphilitic penises on a giant screen in a lecture hall - though, to be honest, I took great pleasure on sharing that pain with my own students when I taught that section a few years later!)

So imagine my disbelief when, after 2 weeks of odd symptoms building, I looked in the mirror and saw a textbook picture staring back at me. I had a butterfly rash brazen and burning across my face (and oh my god it burned for a short period of time, talk about flaring).

Though not only seen in Lupus (systemic lupus erythematosus, SLE), the characteristic butterfly rash is commonly associated with the disorder, especially in conjunction with joint and muscle pain, fatigue, headaches, eye discomfort, and kidney/heart symptoms - all of which I've been putting up with 2 weeks or more. I've been blaming my progressive joint problems on my weight (which I've actually lost but has been hidden by my other problems), then I thought I had a cold, but then my heart started racing, my face started flushing, and the rash appeared.

I don't have a family doctor, I haven't seen one in 20 years (the ER and campus health center have handled the few problems I've had). I don't have health insurance because I can't afford the monthly premiums and still be able to cover the expenses until the deductible kicks in so I've been putting off finding a doc. So I went on a search for a local physician office that would be reasonable and see me as soon as possible (May I recommend Weeks Medical Center in Northern New Hampshire).

I was good, I went in, said what my problems were without making suggestions of what I feared it was, and let them do their job. The Nurse Practitioner told me what I was already thinking and then proceeded with tests (I'm not sure that makes me feel relieved, this one time I was hoping to be told I'm a hypochondriac). I'm currently waiting for the blood test to confirm Lupus or another similar disorder (it had to be sent out), but all other tests have shown that my heart and kidneys are thus far ok.  My thyroid is also being checked, just in case it's something more simple like a hormone imbalance, but based on the symptoms there is likely something more going on (btw, the phlebotomist was amazing, no soreness, bruising, or swelling despite the god awful amount of blood she removed from me). 

Meanwhile I sit here in pain, feeling like my entire body is bruised. I'm exhausted, fatigued, beyond tired. Headaches come and go (just like they did in grad school, and I ignored them then, too). My face flares and cools. And there's a whole weekend to slow down my test results, which will hopefully shed a little light on what I need to do to feel normal again.

I'm simply one of those descriptions in the medical textbook, and I can't answer the questions in the study guide.