Heehee, this is fun:

Language skills: Fluent in 2 or 3. Can cuss in about 6.

Social skills: Highly developed ability to hold my liquor.

Problem solving ability: Pretty good at cracking codes, divining silly passwords based on your children's names or birthdate.

Photographic memory: Hah! I saw that sext you were sending in the meeting! Gross, dude! I also remember what happened at the company barbecue last summer...vividly.

What fun! I think I can come up with a few of those.

"I can field dress a moose--" Oh wait. That's Sarah Palin, not me!
rated

"can piss off the pope"
"try the patience of a saint"
Those were ones my dad always said I had in excess.
Me, I think my number one ability is to speak exactly what I think. Ick, never a good quality in anyone.

I put on my resume that I was a `Househusband.

I was offered a job at Mercersburg, PA's Academy.

I didn't take it. Mercersburg is a beautiful Place.

The Chapel looks like a European Cathedral.

In agrarian cultures peasants shared skills.

Those skills: carpentry, stained glass, joinery,
arched domes, masonry etc., are sadly lacking.
We're digit automatons who can't communicate.
Generally . . .
The family goes to Romano's for pizza and talk.
I was there the other day with my grandson/son.
It's always a great lace to experience fellowship.
`
I was wondering how different my life would be.
`
We make decisions. No take a son on interviews.
One time when he (farmer) was still in diapers I:

I took Michael with me for a job interview. Pew!
Honest - Mu son pooped his pants. He stunk bad!
We often mention this family true story. Recalls!

My son was in diapers.
He says he remembers.
He helped me at home.
He helped build a house.
He watched me like a cat.
I still reflect. We survive.
I didn't get a job ref:`Pew.
I don't tease. He sure stunk.

This is too good to be true...

I am a very cheap drunk. 3 beer is my limit. And I better watch my mouth if I drink that many...

I can't spell. Thank you, spellcheck gods...If you weren't around, my writing would be nonsensical.

My work station must be located very close to two important things. The coffee pot and Lady's restroom. Hopefully side by side.

I'll come back to this Algis. I find this a fun thing to think about.
I want to see what everybody else lists too.

As a waitress I can balance six platters with a wasp stinging, in my bra, and not drop the food.
I can load a cord of wood - well, could.
Good at reading nude creek-side.
Stay clothed in strip poker.
Great at making phone calls (when drunk).
Take charger in an emergency.
Neat toe-nail clipper.
Entertainer under cover.
Dependable pig slopper. (Long story)

Can suck a golf ball through a garden hose....

I recreate my family of origin wherever I work. I am a second born male so I not only question authority I subvert it. Because I am a survivor of abuse, I am hypervigilant to my boss, my co-workers and the system around me. I assess dysfunction immediately. I know when someone is covert, when someone is duplicitous or disingenuous. I pick up people's garbage (literally). I snoop around to confirm my suspicions about people.

But my penultimate skill I use at work is I shock people when I leave- and I leave inopportunely, I leave swiftly and I always leave-
more than 50 jobs over the last 30 years...

*Off the Street*
and all dangers of electronic ascribing as well as top of the lungs
to y'all YELLED WITH OLD SWEET SONG!
coming soon to a cloud in your home town
*Tobacco Road*

a rock opera

James Phoenix Hart (ikidliterati)

Make work, not war.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die! (Actually said this in a staff meeting years ago, an introduction to the new meat who just started working in the Department a week before!! ~:D)

Funny. An interviewer could smell your "smoking skills" the minute you walk in the room.

True story: we flew a candidate for a tenure track position in from California for an interview, and when asked the first question, about his teaching philosophy, he responded that it "paid the bills", and continued to yammer, unaware that his interview was over.

love my daily glass (or two) of wine...hmm, think that would get me a job?

good at finding ways to escape coworkers banal chatter

Team player......NOT

Good at decoding management b.s. and determining the best way to ignore as much of it as possible without ending up on anyone's shit list.

I can spend hours petting my dog
I can wait until the deadline is looming so close I can touch it
before I will even begin an important project
I am a control freak in the kitchen
I was fired from my first job because I spilled a pot of coffee in a mans lap
I spend a big part of every day on Open Salon
to name a few
rated with love

As a follow up to Brazen Princess's comment, I can finger,toe and lick 5 women at once. (Must see to appreciate)

So, doI get the job or not?

I'm good at spotting blowhards, psychos and general deadwood in upper management, and putting the word out on them too. An oft-undervalued talent.

!^*&$%(#^$%(***#$@)(%$*%&@)(#*&_!)(&)%(!#%)*^$)*&%#&^$%*#&%)&^)#(^$#)*&%#(&^$%#*&%^#(*^*(&^($#&^)*&%)*#&)*^)*^!^$ and I get misinterpreted a lot, too.

Interpersonal skills:
1. I tend to be unable to tell when you really want my opinion and when you want me to hedge.
2. So, if you ask me what I think I usually tell you, completely unfiltered.
Language skills:
1. I can and do curse like a proverbial drunken sailor.
Driving skills:
1. I'm what you'd call a "lucky" driver, not a good driver.
2. Speed limits? I don't need no stinking speed limits.

Are you kidding me? I'm still looking for work, guys. The truth shall have t remain buried in the deepest recesses of my psyche until I retire. Then, all bets are off!

Sarcasm: Can cut deeper and quicker than the finest surgeon's scalpel.

Can kill with bare hands.

Can converse with Cats (well, just Siamese but who else can tell?).

Underwater parachute specialist.

"Have a highly honed ability to fake caring about my job."

Can't hold my liquor. More than 1 and it's all over.
Pretty good at typing with numb fingers.
Not good with subtlety. Just tell me straight out or I won't get it.
Spends too much time wondering wha' happened.

What should I not put on my resume? How about the truth? Here's my real resume, one no employer (fat chance) will ever see:

Education
Reeths-Puffer High School
Major: College Prep Minor: Principal’s Office
Michigan State University, Muskegon Community College, Western Michigan University, Kalamazoo Valley Community College, Grand Valley State College
Major: Political Science Minor: Nubile Coeds

Work Experience
Bean/corn/pickle picker, blueberry/strawberry/raspberry/cherry picker, onion and carrot topper, hog-slopper, poop-scooper, nail-puller, wood-salvager, hay-baler, stock boy, sports reporter, musician … shipping/receiving clerk, busboy/pearl-diver, construction laborer, carpenter, foundry laborer, shakeout operator, electric-furnace tender, ring-gap machine operator, ring final inspector, musician … magazine/vacuum/pot and pan salesman, newspaper reporter, pesticide maker, baker, paperbox maker, service manager, tree inspector, office furniture salesman, real estate agent, musician … eastern regional sales manager, fitness center manager, carpenter, boat-builder, construction superintendent, author, marketing manager, census enumerator, singer-songwriter, author, musician … to be continued (hopefully)

Reason for leaving previous position:
Insanitary working conditions

Position desired:
Sitting

Salary desired:
Yes

I'm an arrogant bitch and I don't tolerate disrespect from anybody anywhere. I've used my innate psychic abilities whenever and wherever unsuspecting opportunists least expect it. The art of rhetoric is my middle name and I ain't afraid to use it. ;)

I love women who can suck a gold ball out of a garden hose.

Able to silently assess the productive benefit to a team of having mean, insensitive, clueless, usless, selfish, clod-like employees/managers abducted by aliens for probing.

Able to spend half a workday desperately praying for alien abductions of barbarian employees/managers instead of performing work-related tasks.

It's sad that being intelligent enough to be very sensitive and aware is something bad that many must hide and that such beauty isn't promoted as desirable.

On the upside I can let insensitive people have it right back and it doesn't matter because they aren't very sensitive, and I don't have to feel guilty. Things even out.

my skills as a bipolar lunatic.
i am only bipolar 2, the lesser type.
the better type! we don't get all the damn
delusions of grandeur & alternate realities of the head
that our cousins do.

hypomania! my skill! : )

Tom Cordle has the same resume' I have give or take a few jobs.

I'd just add to position desired: Doggy Style

Can see right thru bull s--t.
Fired from 5 positions for exposing the crap.

I tell great Shakespeare jokes.

I'm a Dominatrix, read Tarot, am strategically tattooed but in public otherwise bear a remarkable resemblance to a soccer mom (and I don't have kids). ;-}

So may skills ~ so little room on my resume!

~R~

Very funny, Algis. One of my skills would be dancing to the Weather Channel in my pajamas.

I can forge almost any signature.

math is not her forte but by god she can ramble on..:)
HUGGGGGGGGG

Mad skills in procrastination.

Ironing my undies, what else. Rated with an Ila smile of course. :-)

I have an ability to frighten people
Can cuss people out
Talk to fish...
If I put my mind to it, I could probably think of a ton!

That image is funny on two levels:
1. You don't want to list smoking as a skill.
2. Whoever wrote the text for that package should never list proofreading as a skill.
R

V.Corso , Early bird gets the worm. Sounds like you can head up the international office. Photographic memory is a plus….Thanks!

Shiral, OK our Alaskan office might be needing a CEO. How are you with road kill? Thanks !

hyblaean- Julie, Great we need a bold copy write editor.When can you start? Thanks!

Art James ,Wordsmith and poetry is something out comapny is looking into.Your on the list. Thanks! Can you do Seasonal Greeting Cards too? Thanks!

Mission, Looks like we have an opening...Spell checking our copy! Can you do ASC11 ? Thanks!

Scupper, Good, we need someone to head up our in house community center... Can you bake muffins as well? Thanks again.

Brazen Princess, I am sure we can use that talent somewhere only our gold balls are made of Platinum. Is that OK? Thanks!

Marshallj4. We have the perfect job for you in trouble shooting...When can you start? Thanks!

J.P. Hart, Perfect we are working on a musical. Maybe you can verse a few tunes? We need a sample though...Thanks!

Out thoughts exactly! Thanks!

Tinkerertink69, We need someone fresh and bold. Looks like your our candidate. Can you resusatate a corpse too? Thanks!

Greenheron, Seems you have a good nose for the job.When can you start? Thanks!

MichelleD, Sorry we don't like winers, But if you drink beer we like Budweiser cause it made that fellow smart. Thanks!

Kathy Knechtges, We like someone who speaks slightly but carries a big laptop….Sounds like a match to me. When can you start? Thanks!

Zanelle, Our team always runs amuck maybe you could teach them the finer points. Can you work Saturdays too? Thanks!

Bikepsychobabble, You sound like your onto something. Can you work double shifts on Sunday? Thanks!

RomanticPoetess, Our company need s someone to be just plain normal. Looks like you have the right skills. Can you type HTML too? Thanks!

Rwnutjob, Yes but can you Go down Town too? Our courier is on a hiatus? Thanks!

These skills are always something everyone say they can do but many cannot. Can you work a six day week too? Thanks!

Mhold, Looks like your perfect for our encryption department. Can you do that just as fast backwards and upsidedown ? Thanks!

Midwest Muse, Sailors' curses r the best, so can you filet a salmon and cuss cleverly at the same time? This is only a part time job in the company cafeteria. Is that OK? Thanks!

Deborah Méndez-Wilson, Look no further we are hiring you . Can you do a full time job with no benefits? Thanks!

Mary Stanik, We are branching out into the medical field...maybe you can be out next sturgen general? Thanks!

Don Rich, But can you wring out a company sweat shirt and get out all of the water without strangling the fibers? Thanks!

CreekEnd UK, There is a lot of catnip in the office ...Can you keep your cool under the influence? Thanks!

Stim, Great you could head up our complaint department. Can you work seven days a week and take pay for four? Do you have any obvious disfigurement ? That helps....Thanks!

Ccdarling, Our head secretary needs and assistant secretary ...can you handle being second secretary ? Thanks!

Tom Cordle ,Great we need someone in our Jack of all Trades...Can you carve a pumpkin with a plastic straw too ? Thanks!

Belinda T. We are indeed looking for enlightened folks to spot the old tungston bulbs around the office. Maybe you could come in and our lights sometime? Thanks!

Scanner, We are looking for solid talent in our appreciation department. Can you talk folks into taking stock instead of a paycheck too? Thanks!

l'Heure Bleue,We need someone like you to smarten up our adds department. Can you also do some soft shoe tap dancing? Thanks!

James M. Emmerling, Great...We need a deep winded fellow because we start and end each day with a snappy tune on a trumpet? Can you play that or the Sax? Thanks!

Alsoknownas, can you bark or howl in at least four octaves? Pets are us...Thanks!

d white, Striking verse makes this company go round. How are you in creating it? No strike outs please...Thanks!

Sarah Cavanaugh, So, do you want to be or not want to be an employee here? Can you tell jokes in a post shakespearean manner too? Sample please...Thanks

Eyespye, We don't have a Tarot but we do have a mascot thats a Parrot. How are you with Birds? What did the Parrot say to the MC?Thanks!

Erica K, We do our weather for-casting in the nude. Is that OK with you because it is artistic after all? Thanks!

Miguela Holt y Roybal, But can you forge a new Monroe Doctrine? Cause we need one for Sotherbees? Thanks!

Linda Seccaspina, Sounds like your might have a job in our promotional department, Can you also sing? We need someone to sing "I was born a ramblin woman" . Thanks!

keri h, Could you get back to us with on that one? Can you accept being paid in Canadian Tire dollars too? Thanks!

JALI 17, Great, we need someone to iron out our company policies before we ourselves loose our undies. Sounds like a match made in heaven. Can you start yesterday too? Thanks!

Addicted to the Voices , Sorry we have someone like that already and we don't appreciate clever imitators ! Are you OK with cleaning computer screens without screaming? Can you work Christmas and all other holidays too? Thanks!

Trudge164 Your living proof proofreading rules… Can you work every other Sunday , Double dip Mondays and cancel checks on Thursdays as well? We need you then...Thanks BIG Time..

OK the vote is in and your all hired. To complete the interview process you only must post your acceptance Valentine here before midnight. Thanks again….BTW currently we are paying in Greek Dollars...is that OK?

──▄████▄▄████▄
─▐████▄██▄████▌.(\(\----♥----/  )/)
─▐█████▄▄█████▌(=':')-------(' :'=)
──▀██▄▀▀▀▀▄██▀o(..(")(")..(")  (")..)o
────▀██████▀ *•.¸¸.•*`*•.¸¸.•*`*•.¸¸.•★
──────▀██▀ ★•*`*•─(¯` v´¯)¸♪•
╔╗╔╦╗╦╔░╔═╗♪•*☆.(¯`:❤ :´¯)´¯)*
╚╗║║║║║░╠╣★*•.¸¸.•*.(_.^._)❤:´  ¯)
╚╝╝╝╝╩╚═╚═╝───.¸¸.•*`*•(_.^._)  ★*• Happy Valentines Day to all if I am not around to personally say that on Feb 14th! Thanks again for all your comments and I hope you found this funny . OK it is not stand up but it was done SITTING-DOWN!

✿✿════════════♬✿══кìʂʂεʂ══кìʂʂ εʂ══кìʂʂεʂ══♬✿══════════ ═ ═ ✿ ✿
▒♥▒♥✿*ﾟ'ﾟ･✿.｡.✿*ﾟ✿░H░A░P░P░Y░♥ ░W░E░E░K░E░N░D░✿*ﾟ'ﾟ･✿. ｡ . ✿ * ﾟ ✿ ♥▒♥▒
✿✿════════════♬✿══кìʂʂεʂ══кìʂʂ εʂ══кìʂʂεʂ══♬✿══════════ ═

@Algis, as long as I do not have to cancel my paycheck. :)

I hear you T. I am currently in dire need of one myself.If you get the job please do not cancel mine either.

i stare at people in a way that makes them piss their pants

Lady Dove, Great we need someone like you in case anyone tries to do a corporate take over...Have you ever done this in court?

I can totally ignore anyone. (actually, anymore, I usually just can't hear them )

Foreign office. I'm loving it.

Now let's negotiate salary: would prefer payment in pieces of eight, but as Greek dollars are on offer, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups will do.

Is there an auto-lease option? I'd prefer a cool car, preferably a cute little sportscar in red or baby blue, vans, mpvs, trucks and jeeps are dealbreakers. A hovercraft would be ok, but not as nice as the sportscar. I take my holidays from June until late September and from mid-December until March. I don't do cel-phones and the corner office with the nice view is mine. : )

Does not suffer fools gladly. Which eliminates all of my managers since 1990. The ones from 81 to 89 were fabulous!

Token, Great our complain department needs you.When can you start?

V.Corso, OK we generally pay in snickers and have a smart car for employees. If these meet your standard please do let us know.


Wren Dancer, Sounds like your a candidate for the accounting department...Let us know asap.

I'm in!

I organised Berlusconi's bunga bunga parties

For starters, I'd leave off ...
- have strong ethics-based allergic reactions to BS, illogical business-function decisions, malfeasance, etc
- weak brown-nosing and unearned ego-stroking skills
- don't define myself by my career and have a life outside of work

Insist that the time I spend living be bigger than the time I spend working. That's why I've been self-employed for more than 30 years. Oh yes! I think resumes are useless!