Allan Goldstein

Allan Goldstein
Location
San Francisco, California, USA
Birthday
July 20
Bio
Allan Goldstein is a San Francisco-based writer, newspaper columnist, blogger, and author of the novel your cat would write if your cat could write a book: The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie. Available on Amazon in print and Kindle editions. He lives in the city with his amazingly tolerant wife, zero kids, and at least one cat. You can find his archived writings and links to his book on his website, allangoldstein.com.

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APRIL 7, 2012 5:59AM

Midnight Strikes at Five to Four

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         Supreme Court   My fellow citizens, for far too long our beloved nation has forgotten the sacred truth upon which it was created.  In America, majority rules.  But fear not; hope is on the way.

            The Supreme Court will soon prove, in the case of The People vs. Obamacare, that it still takes a majority to rule the United States.  A majority of five to four.

            With the grace of God and a dose of courage, the Supreme Court can save us.  I see a sunlit future, coming at us like glory, when five to four rules the land….

            Today, in a five-to-four decision, the Supreme Court ruled all corporate income taxes unconstitutional.  Justice Scalia, writing for the majority said, “The individual income tax is fair and proper, because the people are taxing themselves, which is their right under the constitution.  But corporations, while people, cannot vote directly.  Thus all corporate taxes are a violation of the principle of taxation without representation, and are hereby rendered null and void.”

            Clarifying centuries of dispute, the Supreme Court today, in a five-to-four decision, resolved the contentious issue of the separation of church and state.  In his majority opinion, Justice Alito wrote, “The separation the founders had in mind was literal and absolute.  A separation is a wall, and the founding fathers meant it as such.  Therefore, this court rules that the White House and the White Church be separated by a wall, suitably high and thick, as to require a door to pass between.”

            In a five-to-four vote, the Supreme Court ruled today that the Interstate Highway System be privatized.  Writing for the majority in the case of Koch Brothers vs. Pelosi, Chief Justice Roberts said, “The justification for the land grab known as the Interstate Highway System was the Interstate Commerce clause of the constitution.  Commerce, by definition, is an exchange of goods for money.  A toll-free highway system does not meet that standard.  Therefore, we rule that all routes are to be sold to the plaintiffs’ corporation, Koch Industries, the sole bidder on the contract.”

            In a long-awaited decision, the Supreme Court today overturned Roe vs. Wade by a vote of five to four.  All abortions are now illegal and subject to criminal sanction.  Justice Thomas, writing for the majority, was brilliant in his brevity.  “Because we say so,” he wrote.

            In a related case, the Supreme Court, by a vote of five to four, repealed the 19th amendment to the constitution.  Women’s suffrage is thus revoked.  In his majority opinion, Justice Scalia wrote, “Our government was founded on the hallowed principle of one man, one vote.  Women, not being men, clearly do not rise to that standard.  However, this court is not insensible to the possibility that a woman of childbearing years may be, from time to time, pregnant with a male baby, and with the repeal of Roe vs. Wade, that this baby shall be born.

            “Therefore, in order to spare the fairer sex invasive procedures to determine the gender of an unborn child, this court hereby decrees that all pregnant female subjects be allotted three-fifths of a vote during the duration of their delicate condition.”

            In a landmark ruling defending state’s rights, The Supreme Court today declared Mitt Romney the winner of the 2012 presidential election.  Writing for the majority, Justice Alito said, “While it superficially appears that Mr. Obama won the election, receiving five million more popular votes than his opponent, this court must defer to the judgment of those states with Republican legislatures which invalidated the votes for Mr. Obama on the grounds that he is not a naturally born American, and thus is ineligible for the office of President of these United States.  Mr. Romney was the highest vote getter in the late election who is incontestably American, and this court deems him duly elected.”

            In a five-to-four decision the Supreme Court refused to overturn the guilty verdict of Leroy Jones, convicted of a murder he couldn’t have committed, because he wasn’t yet born at the time of the crime, a fact that prosecutors in Birmingham, Alabama kept from the jury on procedural grounds.

            Writing for the majority, Justice Scalia said, “While the court sympathizes with Mr. Jones, and wishes him an easy, painless execution, we find it beyond the scope of our writ to interfere with the workings of state justice.  As this court has stated many times, we are not, and never will be, an activist bench.”


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