“I got a job offer from a company in Luxembourg. Great salary. I think I’m going to take it.”
“Luxembourg?” I try to hide my shock. “But what about Singapore?”
“Well, yes, but I’ll make more at this job. Singapore was a dream, but I have to be reasonable.”
Denis* had started taking English lessons with me to achieve a goal he’d had for a few years: to move to Singapore with his family. He was trying to get transferred to his current company’s offices there, and needed me, he said, to help him hone his already excellent English skills as much as possible, since that would be the language he’d be working in. Over the weeks that followed, we’d memorized lists of phrasal verbs, worked intensely on pronunciation, acted out pretend job interviews.
And now, suddenly, Singapore was out of the picture. And money was the reason why. In spite of myself, I thought he was weak. Denis isn’t the first person I’ve met who’s renounced an ideal for cash, and I don’t think he’ll be the last. The thing was, though, Denis has a high-paying job that would still have been high-paying in Singapore. The extra amount he’d earn with the position in Luxembourg wasn’t necessary, per se. How much money, I found myself wondering, do you really need? How much money makes it worthwhile to give up a dream?
~
“If you decide to register yourself as a freelance writer, can you imagine how much they’ll probably take out of what you earn, for taxes?” My in-laws gave me a disapproving look. “There’s a difference between dreams and reality, Alysa,” my mother-in-law said. I knew they were thinking, how can this girl be so cavalier about money? It’s not like she has a lot as it is.
~
“You look tired.”
“I’m just really stressed out. I have to decide soon if I’m going directly to university, or if I should take a preparatory course first.”
I nodded, knowing that the “prépa”, as the French call it for short, is a notoriously difficult ordeal, where a person basically becomes a monk and devotes him- or herself to mathematics for a year or two before college. My boyfriend had to go through this, but he’d planned to study engineering. Adnan*, one of my favorite tutoring students, wants to go to business school.
“Are you really going to need to study math that intensely?” I asked, careful to sound neutral. In his family, over-achieving is the norm.
“Well, I mean, if I do, it gives me a higher chance of getting into a good school, and later, employers will think better of me if I did the prépa.”
I couldn’t help but tell him what I thought: “You know, Adnan, in business, like in most things, you’ll probably get hired because of who you know, or because of experience or talent. As long as you have a degree, you should be fine. You’re smart and a hard worker. Plus, you’ve talked about working abroad: in other countries, the prépa doesn’t mean anything. If you’re so stressed about it, maybe you should think about just going straight to university. You don’t always have to do what people expect you to, if there’s another way to get what you want.”
In his eyes, I saw at once a light of hope and the gaze of someone staring at a strange creature in a zoo.
Adnan’s path and mine will be different. We come from families with very different values. While my father, like Adnan’s parents, is a successful and high-earning workaholic, he never forced any of his kids to follow in his footsteps. Instead, he always told us – and still does, “Do whatever you want. As long as you’re happy and able to support yourself, that’s all that matters.” I’ve never stopped feeling grateful to my parents that I've never been under any pressure from them regarding my life choices. As I thought about Adnan’s situation, I felt another surge of gratitude. I’m free, and always have been.
~
When I get home that night, there’s a large manila envelope waiting for me. I open it with excitement: an article of mine was published in an expat newspaper here. It’s not a paying job, but it’s such a thrill to see my writing in a print publication. I grin broadly.
The boyfriend barely looks away from the documentary he’s watching, a grim report about the problems of the public education system. I can feel him getting riled up, filled with fear: the documentary’s a success.
“Did you hear those statistics?!” he asks me. “How will our kids learn to read?!”
I sigh. “You and I went to public school, and we’re fine. And so are LOTS of other people.”
He ignores me and fixes the screen again.
“And anyway,” I say, sitting down and opening the paper to have a peek at my article, “we love learning things, and hopefully we’ll transmit that to our kids. But,” I look over at him, “I’ll be happy if they’re happy.”
The boyfriend’s eyes dart up from the screen to shoot daggers at me. “As far as I’m concerned, your education was a failure.”
The French word for “failure” is “échec”. Something about its clipped shortness always makes it sound harsher to me than its English equivalent. “Failure” has soft sounds in it, and lingers, as though there’s still some hope. “Echec”, on the other hand, sounds final.
“Your father paid so much money for you to go to that university,” the boyfriend goes on, “and you earn practically nothing.”
He’s right. My father and I often joke about it. Strangely enough, though my dad’s life has been about building a successful business from scratch, he always says he’s so proud of me: proud that I made the dean’s list at school and took so much from my studies in art history and French; proud that I was able to make tough decisions to live where I would be happiest. I’m proud that since graduation, I’ve always been able to pay for whatever I've needed.
On the other hand, the boyfriend has a point. I’m just about thirty years old, work a low-paying part-time job, and have no savings. Maybe I shouldn’t have advised Adnan not to do the prépa. I’m a bad influence. And I probably shouldn’t have privately judged Denis, mentally looking down at him from a horse as high as Henri IV’s on the Pont Neuf just because he'd chosen not to make Singapor his priority.
But in all of our cases, is the word “failure” ever fair? I’ve come to find that our society can generally be divided into two kinds of people: those motivated by money, and those motivated by something else. Maybe I’m a part of the latter group, not because of the lack of pressure from my parents, but because, when they divorced and my mother and us kids became instantly poor, I realized that financial status can change in an instant. And when I first visited Europe, and had only a suitcase to my name and the world outside my hotel window, I realized that money really isn’t what matters, anyway. I’m greedy for time. I’m ravenous for it. Time to write, time to learn, time to travel, time to take in art and films and stories, time to spend with friends and family and myself. Money comes and goes, but time is something you’ll never get back. I don’t like to waste it. I don’t like to be stuck in an office or at a meeting, when I could be doing something else. I also learned that dreams can be lived in reality. It’s not easy, but it’s often possible. The way I live now, I have more time, but much less money than most of the people I know. I am living out my dream: to be a writer in Paris.
It's funny, the flimsy line between success and failure, wavering and distorted like a mirage.
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Comments
DH - Thanks for reading. I definitely feel that time is a very valuable and unrenewable resource.
Lezlie
Id rather do this then feel every day I get up I have to bust my ass of doing something I don't want to do.
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dont get me started.
HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
Lezlie – I’ve thought about that, too. But my family’s economic situation was very complicated. My dad is wealthy and my mom isn’t. When they divorced, my father was so angry at my mother that he refused to pay all but the bare minimum of child support and alimony. As I wrote here, from one day to the next, we went from being rich, to just scraping by. I’m lucky that my parents had thought to put money into a fund for our education, and that their investments did well. That’s what allowed me to choose where I went to school. To get back to the idea you proposed, I’ve wondered, too, what makes people’s priorities. It seems like there are so many factors. I know rich kids who’ve had it easy, who are just as obsessed with money as anyone else – and I also know people who didn’t grow up with a lot of money, who don’t care very much about it now, either. It’s really intriguing, but I’m glad you got from this piece that judging probably isn’t the answer. That’s what I think I’ve learned from these recent experiences.
daisy jane smithie – I’m glad your son doesn’t value money above all else! As for the boyfriend, though, I have to keep him – I kind of like him, even if he does say stupid things sometimes.
neilpaul – Very well put.
designanator – Thanks for your thoughts, and for your encouragement!
divorcedpauline – It’s interesting that you wrote that worries take you out of the present. I worry about just about everything EXCEPT money, so unfortunately, I’m right there with you!
Harry’s Ghost – Right on.
You have improved my world.
And my skin.
money means little. While you pursue your hearts desire you should be cared for by the universal forces that allow you to grow.
rated with love
P.S. - That was a bit (a bit!) harsh on the part of your bf.
Its really more about conventional vs unconventional.
It is too easy to reduce this to an economic argument. A lot of nuance evaporates.
People make compromises with themselves all the time. Even those of us who eschew convention.
My mother and sister and my father too were never interested in money. If I could do it over again I would not so blindly just assume money grows on trees. In my case, money does seem to grow on trees almost. It's as if the heavens make sure I always have just enough and that I don't have to do jobs that would kill me. Anyhow, if I could do it again: I'd be more practical and manage my life so I did have savings and a job that might bore me but would make it so I didn't have the terrible anxiety over finances that I have now. Not to mention the powerlessness that can result if you don't have the funds to get help when you need it.
This is a topic that intrigues me too . I've been thinking a lot about it lately.
The word "failure" means something very different to different people is all I'll say about your bf's comment.
Funny; that ‘s all I got now, my only real resource, my ultimate collateral for this loan of life I am living and not appreciating as much as I should. So much stupid wasted time I spent trying to conform to the insanity of my culture, which William James summed up nicely in a quote I often use here:
Written on 9-11-1906 to HG wells:
“The moral flabbiness born of the exclusive worship of the bitch-goddess SUCCESS.
That — with the squalid cash interpretation put on the word success —
is our national disease.”
Your boyfriend should know that any damage done to any possible progeny is easily fixed by loving parents who instill the right values in the little brains. Of course public educations sucks. Cuz the public is nuts. Mostly. I mean, how many good teachers did you really ever have? Besides Dad?
Thanks for your comments on my pieces about my Dad and my friend.
My dad viewed the absolute destruction, humiliation, occasional happiness, scanty accomplishment , of his son, me , the one he had put all his hope in….and descended to dementia…and yet….loved me , trusted me, relied on me, and continued always to inspire me with his crude (by cultural standards) goodness of spirit til the night he slipped away, in the early early hours, alone, so as not to be a bother to me.
What are our choices? Go insane and waste time getting to where we will want more, more, or spending time living our lives teaching these fools the value of a five minute chat with a real person, you…
failure, ha. no way........
However, I never had "the big dream" like yours of being a writer in Paris. I am filled with awe and admiration of those who even have a focused dream like that. And living it - well, I think you are a tremendous success!
As for your education being a failure -- remind the boyfriend that your education included learning French well enough that you could live in Paris. If you hadn't moved to Paris he wouldn't have met you. So if he thinks your education was a failure, it must mean that he doesn't value your relationship. This, of course, is a massive leap in logic and complete emotional manipulation. But it should shut him up next time.
When I'm around my husband's family or even my own (Papa's side), I sometimes feel small because many of them are what I like to call" fancy" ...physicians, attorneys, RNs, Phd.s, ect. I've done nothing with my expensive philosophy degree other than say I had it. At the moment, I'm looking at other career opportunities only because I'm heading into a situation where I won't be able to afford the luxury of choosing a job based on the free time it affords me. It's too bad that we must spend so much time away from our kids just to earn enough to keep them.
and agree with Stim. Only I don't think it's any more emotional manipulation than his saying your education is a failure just because it doesn't get you where he thinks you should be.
that said. I feel much more confident about myself and my opinion now that I make a living wage. When Karen says something over the top I tell her now instead of thinking "oh lord, do I really want to risk a roof over my head to clarify that point". There is alot to be said for making enough to afford to live independently.
You have a fine mind Alysa, don't sell yourself short.
I say don't ever call a person a failure until they've died. Why do so many people burn out in high pressure environments?
But, like Linda, don't get me started!
rated
Like you, I have always valued time much more than money. In my marriage to Iggy, I had the luxury of working part time/flexible hours in order to pursue my passions as a performing artist and freelance minister. I could also afford to live in Manhattan, which is the home of my soul.
I would not trade my relationship with Lady Lucia, which is intimate and joyful, for my lonely, empty marriage to Iggy. I do long for the freedom his financial support gave me, though (even though I'm embarrassed to admit it).
These days I work too much for too little money. I'm stressed and bored. I miss Manhattan so much!
I'm also worried that I'll never be able to afford to retire, since I earned so little (and saved nothing) during my marriage.
Because you are younger and still have more time to experiment - to seek balance - my hope, for you, is that you'll find a way to keep all the freedoms that matter to you - now and in the future. In other words, like a real big sister or mother, I hope you'll be better off than I am when you get to be the age I am now!
Rock on, Lays!
mhold – I’m honored.
Helvetica – You said it! I’ve found it surprisingly complicated to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see creative endeavors as particularly useful and worthwhile – rather maybe even as a threat, as you point out. I know things may very well change when we have kids – of course their security, happiness, health, and education will come first. But I hope that, like you, I’ll never stop writing. No matter what.
RP – I love that outlook, the idea of the universe caring for us. It makes me feel warm and happy and hopeful – though I don’t deserve it.
Myriad – Thanks for your practical insights, as well. I think I’ve missed the boat on having kids young, unfortunately, because you make a very good point about being free when you’re still young. I love “Prepare to give up your life (while at the same time, gain it in a different way).” As for the boyfriend’s comment, I think he did mean it, because his family is quite money-obsessed. They’re all well-to-do, though not wealthy, but they always want more money and think they don’t have enough. To them, success is measured in euros, which is really unfortunate, I think. But then again, I shouldn’t judge, as I’ve tried not to do in my post in the end….
Lea – Thank you! Your support means a lot!
Nick –Very interesting that you don’t think it’s about money, but about being conventional. I’ve taken a few minutes to ponder this. I get what you mean, that a lot of people work hard for money because that’s what you’re “supposed to do”, and so that they can buy things to keep up with the Joneses. But I don’t know…I’ve encountered people who just make money to make money. They may live rather cheaply, they just stockpile it. I can understand that logic in many ways, but it seems sad when it makes them give up dreams. I’m still not sure though if “conventional vs. unconventional” would be a better way to see it. Thank you for making me think. And as for: “People make compromises with themselves all the time. Even those of us who eschew convention.” You are absolutely right.
Jonathan – Thanks. ESL teaching definitely brings you into contact with people of all kinds, who do, indeed, often have major choices to make. I’m sure having you as a teacher helped them a lot.
Buffy – Thanks, and right on!
fernsy – I like your perspective on this. I, too, really worry about not having savings. And yet, I just can’t bring myself to work a “normal” job. I know if I ever really, really must, I can and will, but it’s so hard. But you’re right, by being un-obsessed with money, we create problems for ourselves all the same. I hope we’ll both find a solution – or at least, peace about this. As for the boyfriend’s comment, absolutely. To him, I’m a failure, and I accept it. I don’t think he believes that about every aspect of who I am as a person, but I think that growing up as he did, in a hardworking family where money was what you HAD to earn, and you’ll never earn enough, how could he possibly see things differently?
Razzle Dazzle – So well put, and thank you. As I’ve written to some other commenters, I think the problem is that the boyfriend was raised to value money and its accumulation above all other things. Still, he didn’t have to say what he said out loud! Then again, unfortunately, he’s never been very good at being sensitive….I think he’s missing part of his frontal lobe….
Erica K – You don’t sound like an old bat! Thank you for the rally cry!
Phyllis – Absolutely. I think the problem is, whatever we believe, we have to be able to put things in perspective. Even if we think running off to a cruise ship is the best idea ever, the challenge of human existence is to realize that maybe, just maybe, the person we’re talking to sees things otherwise. Sorry you had to put up with that pushy person. I know how you feel…though I actually am sometimes tempted to run off and work on a cruise ship…. : - )
James – First of all, I’m glad you appreciated my comments – they were heartfelt, about your heartfelt posts. Secondly, I agree, parents can be so important in their kids’ education. Not always, but if you’re lucky and you need help or guidance, a wise, intelligent educator of a parent is the best solution out there.
keri –Thanks for your kind words, and for your insight. I think money definitely represents security, and what I wrote about being a failure in a way, since I don’t have a well-paid job or savings, is serious, on a certain level. I think I’d feel a lot better if, like you, I never had to think about money at all.
Stim – As always, I like how you think, sir!
Sarah – Thank you so much, though I don’t feel wise!
Lauren – I like what you wrote – it makes me think of Romantic Poetess’ comment in the sense of a universe where things work out for those of us who come from a place of love. What a comforting thought. Thank you.
BSB – I love “fancy” – and I definitely know how you feel about being judged! What you wrote in your last sentence made me sad – so well-put and so frustrating. I wish life didn’t have to be this way, and I wish you luck and hope that at the very least you’ll find a job doing something you love, and, even better, that will not take up as much of your time as you think.
hyblaen-Julie – Thanks for your kind words, and I totally agree with the importance of having to support oneself. I know that though I could take care of my basics (food, etc) a place to live would be hard at the moment. I could crash with friends for a while, but in the long term… Yes, I definitely do worry about that now and then, to say the least. I’m glad you’re in a place where that’s no longer a problem.
Sheila – You make some very good points. I do worry at times about the boyfriend’s comments – I know he truly does love me, and respects me in just about anything not money-related – but I worry about the very nature of someone who doesn’t know how to say things with more tact, or not say them at all. I worry what he might say to our kids one day – I grew up with a dad who, as I wrote, was very supportive and cool with me, intellectually and all – but he often made critical comments about my weight, and that hurt. My way of dealing with potential disaster due to the boyfriend’s tactlessness is, for now, to try to teach my kids to laugh those criticisms off. Maybe it will make them stronger…but then again, I’m not sure, and I am worried….
trilogy – Thank you, and I agree. I’m basically able to support myself, though as I’ve said to some other people here, I probably should earn at least a little more so that I can have a nest egg and/or potential rent for an apartment of my own if the boyfriend kicks me out!
Shiral – “I say don't ever call a person a failure until they've died.” I so agree, and actually wanted to write about that but this post got so long, that I decided not to. But when my boyfriend said my education was a failure, I thought, how do you know? Not only have I already benefitted from what I’ve learned, but who knows how I might use my degree and knowledge in the future? It ain’t over till it’s over. And even then, failure is really such a matter of interpretation.
Eva – I’m also amazed by how much we have in common – and my heart goes out to you, because I know what it’s like to miss a city you love. Thank you for your advice and insights. I know what you mean about the security of some relationships, but I’m glad you’re happier now, and know that. So many people have denied their happiness simply for financial reasons. What would your life be if you’d done that? I’m glad you know you wouldn’t feel fulfilled.
Sally – I went from being inspired by your story, to cracking up at the Lays! My cousins call me “Lys” sometimes, and I just know that the next time they do, I’m going to think about your spell check and start laughing. So thanks in advance for a weird moment with my cousins. : -) Also, Lays are my favorites – Baked Lays. If I buy a bag, I eat the whole thing in one sitting. Terrible. But so good….
I also encourage you to follow your dreams but be forewarned, children change everything!
P.S. reconsider the boyfriend. I suspect he doesn't have you on a high enough pedestal...
I urge you to reconsider your boyfriend choice, though. The mouth speaks from the abundance of the heart, and his words were harsh indeed. Imagine such words on impressionable children. It wouldn't be pretty.
Amazing.
Carl - I wish I could tell you what to do, and know with absolute certainty that it's the right path to take. I know that following a dream isn't easy - and as you can see from my post, living it isn't always, either. But I am overall very happy with my choice and at least I'll know I've tried to live the life I wanted. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck. Hang in there - I've been where you are, and in some ways still am there, and so are many others; we are not alone.
Joseph - I didn't "come" to this site with this article - I've been writing on OS for a year and a half. Also, I'm sorry you feel that this post was simply me looking for affirmation; in fact, I intended it to be a meditation on what "failure" is. For me, all of the examples I give show someone who is a "failure", depending on how you look at it. If anything, I wrote this to remind myself not to judge others, because people are judging me, too. I'm sorry you missed the point and thought I was just looking for affirmation. That must be frustrating.
Neha - You are so brave! Hold steady and I know things will work out.
Is that what is happening?
You mentioned that you make almost nothing and yet you also mentioned you are having your apartment renovated. There seems to be some disconnect here and I don't get it.
Live it.
Dream it.
Success!
--r--
First, smack the boyfriend upside the head with a baguette: nobody is a failure at 30. Education isn't just to get you a high-paying career; it's to make you a well-rounded person. Also, tell him not to pay so much attention to the media, which is always pushing doom and gloom.
When I turned 30, I was briefly downhearted because I’d reached that magic age and thought myself a failure. I’d just started another nowhere job, finances had forced me to move back in with my parents, and it had been ages since I’d had a sustained relationship. Even though I had done a lot of traveling – I had spent the previous summer criss-crossing America – I looked at my friends, many of them settled in family and career, and thought I had “loser” stamped on my forehead. What I didn’t know was that, within the next year, my nowhere job would lead to the beginning of my career as well as introduce me to my future wife. I would also find myself, upon occasion, wistfully looking back on the free and footloose man I was at 30 and wishing I could experience it again.
Lust for money might come at a cost. Companies only deposit your paycheck every two weeks, but the stress and pressure of those high-paying jobs are with you every day. My experience is that, if you enjoy what you’re doing, the money will be secondary.
Regrets? I've had a few.
Live long and prosper, honey. Also, I was going to say I've got your back but i shall amend I've got your back to I am on your side.
Live long and prosper, honey.
@Tifanny - Thanks for reading, and very well-put about the envelopes!
@Cranky - I'm touched and honored by what you wrote here. Thank you.
Your words here ... seem to be lighting fires ... magic, lifting fires ...
Failure ... I think not ...
I empathize with young people trying to figure this stuff out. I remember. Too often they are too ready to buy into what someone else tells them they ought to do. And be careful about getting pregnant. Children change this whole ballgame and not in a good way. Your options narrow right down in those circumstances.
Nice little essay on the subject.