(Cue lazy plucking of the banjo in the humid air while bullfrogs croak and a distant steamboat's bell clangs.)We could be lazin' along, you and me, with Jim and Huck and reckonin' and spittin' and chewin' and wavin' to them there riverboats as we read ourselves a book of Huck's adventures by that fella' there Mr. Twain ...

(Loud rip like the needle of a phonograph tearing through something)

Oh dear God, it's finally happened! I've come to a book I swore I'd never read, thanks in large part to my loathing for its bushy-eye-browed, cigar-chomping, outstate Missouri mustachioed wunderkind author of American boyhood.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I've come to review five: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by my fellow Missourian, Mark Twain (that's Samuel Clemens to ya'll who don't live on the Old Man River.)

It's treason, I know. But I hate, hate, hate, hate Mark Twain.

Though it pains me to admit it, I can almost agree outright with those who are always after banning this book just because of how much I loathe Twain, Tom Sawyer and all of his outstate chattering.

For the record: It's pronounced "Miz-or-ry." Like the word, misery. Just with a different syllable stressed.There is no "a" at the end of my state's name contrary to what both my Senators and Governor seem to think.

(long breath) (I will be objective in reviewing this book. No, I shouldn't agree with people banning books without thinking about them or reading them)

So, I will try to keep my absolute hatred of Twain out of this as much as I can. I'll explain the dislike - I will. But I'll do my best not to let it interfere too much with the review.

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Review Five: Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

Published: (1st edition) Charles L. Webster and Company

Length: 366

Most popular reasons for banning: Racism, offensive language, slang, depiction of slavery

Eyebrow rating: 3

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My hatred of Mark Twain's writing starts not too long ago in a grade school class room not very far away from where I sit typing.I was a young, frizzy-haired, fat nerd who did nothing more at recess than read books against the fence and talk to the teachers who monitored the others at play.

As a consequence to all my hours of reading, I read faster than most of my classmates.

The twelve year-old me was assigned - like the other 23 students in my English class - to read silently Twain. Specifically, Tom Sawyer.

Reading The Adventures of Tom Sawyer in St. Louis is probably an ordinance.

I can't say I was enjoying my reading. Twain's vernacular reminded me then and now of backwoods Bob's and their bare-foot, meth-addled Baby Girl Sues. Nevertheless, I continued reading. I came to the end of the assigned reading with quite a bit of time on the clock. So, I kept reading. (I have a point here, I promise.)

My teacher came snooping by to check that no one was goofing off. She peered over my shoulder at the page number.

Not only was I reprimanded for "reading ahead of the class," but she took my book away and I had to sit staring at my desk until class ended.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, reading ahead in St. Purgatorius grade school where I went was apparently a big problem.

No, it wasn't Mr. Twain's fault. But the memory has forever soured me on his writing.

Subsequent bouts of Twain in high school sealed the deal. I'd like to squash the "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County," into a dish worthy of a French chef.

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To be fair, Huckleberry Finn, as a novel, is a better work than many Twain wrote.The narrative is more engaging. The voice, although obnoxious, is convincing.Considering Uncle Tom's Cabin and similar literature from the Civil War period and after, Huckleberry Finn provides a unique perspective on American society, slavery and the lead-up to the Great War.

I credit Twain for capturing a great many of the contradictions of his time and setting.

Missouri was a microcosm of the country as a whole before the Civil War. While St. Louis was a hub of pro-Union sentiment, the outstate and Hannibal of Huckleberry Finn was populated by pro-slavery former Kentuckians. The state itself would go on to have two governments during the war and over 1,000 small battles.

And, he gives us a more compelling Jim character than Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom.

So, on technical merits, the book isn't something to toss in the same boat as anything written by Nicholas Sparks.

(I hear the howling, I'm not deaf! And before you think me a total snob, I admit to reading lots of trashy romance novels. I probably have Nora Roberts' Born in Fire memorized. It doesn't make them great literature. Neither is The Notebook.)

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It's amusing to me that this book has been banned almost since its publishing. Not because it was banned then but because it continues to be now.

At the time, Twain's book was ravaged not so much for its portrayal of racism or slavery but rather for the vernacular he wrote in.

Basically, everybody had a problem with slang.

In this day of texting and truncated, damaged and almost unintelligible English, I have to laugh. Huck Finn speaks more clearly than most people I run into on a daily basis.

Today though, the vernacular does tie into a main banning motive: the use of the word "nigger."

In fact, Jim is technically, "Nigger Jim." Call me names. Do what you will. I just figured I'd take the bull by the horns. Please feel free to jump in, my fellow readers.

"Nigger," is a slur. No matter how you look at it.

However, in this world of "ma' nigga'" and various other song lyrics, is there a way to use Huckleberry Finn as an instruction on modern language and how it and its meaning evolve?

The debate over the meaning and usage of that particular word is lengthy and complicated.It goes to the heart of our prejudices and history of racism. It goes to our modern understanding of the term.

I propose (and please, my fellow thinkers and readers, jump in) that the book and "Nigger Jim," could prove useful in opening a window for youngsters who may only understand the rap-definition of the word, rather than its demeaning historical context.

I have to think back to my older relatives, raised in pretty near white-out world in south St. Louis. I heard the word "negro," and "colored," at various times growing up, when in the presence of my great-grandmother.

To her, those words weren't disrespectful. They were how one referred to African-Americans. I'm not going to try to apologize for her. That's not my place. She was a product of where she grew up, of 1920s St. Louis.

What's interesting to me, in relation to the point I make about Huckleberry Finn, is that a child today, listening Nelly or name your rapper of choice, might not have construed "nigger," in the way she would.

My great grandmother, for all her use of "negro" would have understood "nigger," to be an insult.

And I continue to hear people from a number of ethnic backgrounds counter that they are not using the word "like that."

The issue reminds me of the muddy waters of the Mississippi River I drive across every day. Ordinarily, I wouldn't want to touch even a toe into those depths.

I put it to you to ponder if Huckleberry Finn can still be useful in teaching, particularly on points such as the above?

Can we see it as teaching about the evolution of racial attitudes from prior to the Civil War onward?

I don't pretend to know the answer. For all I know, the book could be hopelessly racist, out-of-date, never in touch with the African-American experience.

I'm just throwing the question out there.

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I gave Huckleberry Finn a three eye-brow rating because of the language, the use of the racial slur and for the complexity of its depiction of the racist society of the border state Missouri and the South.

I don't think children younger than about 12 would understand this book.

While it could be instructive for older kids, I wonder if reading the actual words of Frederick Douglas or reading Iola Leroy by Twain's contemporary and African-American author Frances Harper?

I would likely agree.

Another possibility would be to have children actually see historical documents related to slavery, such as the so-called "Slave Books," of Madison County, Ill. For that story, click here.

But regardless, we can't dismiss the novel as the "veriest trash," as did one historical library committee member in Massachusetts.

And, I would argue, if we're going to ban all of that "veriest trash," then we'd have to start examining quite a few things that most of us regard as either great literature or, at the very least, enjoyable brain candy.

For now, I'll leave you all to float the river with Huck and Jim.

Stop the damn barge!  I am more than ready to jump off!

(calling voice preceding a great splash)

Read dangerously!