Officials of the American grocery industry have announced that they are preparing a two pronged attack against soup kitchens for the poor. They plan an advertising campaign to alert the public of the dangers of soup kitchens, and a lobbying effort in Congress.

A spokesman for the grocery industry, I. M. Greedy, declares:

"Americans are compassionate people and on the face of it, a soup kitchen is a compassionate attempt to help the poor. Dig a little deeper, though, and you'll find that the soup kitchen option is both unfair competition and will hurt all Americans."

The grocery industry is concerned, first and foremost, that the soup kitchen option represents unfair competition. As Greedy explains:

"We have to make a profit, but soup kitchens do not. Therefore they can charge less for their soup.

Let's be honest here. When poor people are given a choice between buying their soup in the grocery store or heading to the soup kitchen, they'll pick the soup kitchen every time. The only way we could make the grocery store more attractive is to lower the price of soup and that is unfair."

Greedy emphasizes that they are not the only ones who will be harmed. Though the government insists that the soup kitchen option will be just one among many options for obtaining soup (citing the continuing availability of soup in grocery stores, restaurants and food courts, the industry is convinced it is only a matter of time before everyone is forced to get their soup in soup kitchens.

According to Greedy:

"Sure, they say that you will still be able to choose where to get your soup. That’s what they want you to believe. The reality is that it is only a matter of time before the government bans soup in grocery stores, restaurants and other places, forcing everyone who wants soup to get it from a soup kitchen."

The grocery industry believes that the worst thing about the soup kitchen option, from the point of view of the general public, is that it takes away choice. Rather than selecting any soup from the grocery store shelves, consumers who select the soup kitchen option will be restricted to eating only the soup available that day.

Greedy says:

"Americans are not going to tolerate any situation in which they are deprived of choice. You go to a soup kitchen, and can you choose your favorite soup, the one that you have loved for years? No, you cannot. At the soup kitchen you are forced to accept whatever they are offering. Suppose it's chicken soup and you don't like chicken soup? Too bad."

The grocery industry also plans an extensive lobbying effort on Capitol Hill. They have already contributed millions to the re-election campaigns of several Senators and Congressmen. One of those Congressmen has introduced legislation to ban soup kitchens.

Greedy explains:

"We in the grocery industry are gratified that several Senators and Congressmen already understand what it is at stake here. That's not enough, though. We want to meet with even more Senators and Congressmen to impress upon them the unfairness of the soup plan option. American is a great nation because it won't countenance socialism. And what are soup kitchens but a socialist attempt to benefit the poor at the expense of the rich? Real Americans refuse to accept schemes that redistribute money from those, like grocers, who work for a living, to the undeserving poor."

Mr. Greedy is optimistic about the eventual outcome.

"Once Americans understand what is at stake here: government forcing people to get their soup through soup kitchens; government restricting people’s choice of soup; government stifling honest American competition; they will reject the soup kitchen option."

Mr. Greedy is modest:

"I don’t think that Americans will ever realize that the grocery industry, through a successful advertising and lobbying effort, will have protected them from the harms that would occur if the soup kitchen option were allowed. That’s okay. We in the grocery industry are content to let people believe that they thought of opposing the soup kitchen option instead of being incited to do so by a relentless barrage of fear mongering."

Mr. Greedy smiles:

"We don't need the public to thank us.  Banning the soup kitchen option will be thanks enough."

This post originally appeared on The Skeptical Ob.com.