Try Paxil. And lift cars and take cold showers. Pain helps too. Not that I've had any experience.

Rated.

Most of the newer antidepressants kill sex drive as a side effect, but you wouldn't want to take them if you aren't depressed.

This will not be the answer you seek, but it might help. Look into Master Mantak Chia and his book, Cultivating Female Sexual Energy. There are some who give courses in the states, but you want someone, a female, who has gone through his programs and is qualified. Sexual energy is very powerful, but easily lost, through, guess what, sex and orgasm. Through a series of exercises, you can learn to transform this energy to a higher form and use it basically to power your life. Sound weird? Well, it isn't. You will find similar teachings through tantric sex, but I cannot speak to them.

In a nutshell, don't suppress it, use it.

No, just what teendoc said. But I'd say you sound a bit depressed, too. Maybe take them for the depression, see if any other choices make sense.

Clomipramine is an anti-depressant with an unusual side effect. It frequently generates spontaneous orgasms when you yawn.

And, yet, how I ache for you. Medicating away a normal part of being human? After that wonderful post you wrote about how important sex is? It makes me sad to think about, but I can imagine the pain it must be causing you. I've heard of lots of things that kill sex drive as a side effect- anti-depressants, birth control pills, hysterectomies, but none of those things are reliable because they're not meant to cause a loss of sex drive, it just happens in some people. I wish there was some better answer for you. Some better way.

Well, that's just cuckoo-talk.

Next you'll be asking for a pill that takes away the taste of chocolate, or the sight of a Pollack, or the sound of the Beatles, or the feeling of fur handcuffs on your wrists.

Are you crazy??? Puh-lease, go have an affair. Look, I'll volunteer myself to help you but don't take that pill, whatever you do!

Good grief!! Go online and buy a vibrator, or two or three, and enjoy your sexuality through solitary expression. I hope your spouse is able to fulfill your needs for validation as a person and for love in your relationship. If not cultivate some good friends, maybe a support group, find an outlet for your energies. I hope you find solace.

I'm no expert here, but sex drive is more than just physiological, isn't it? Is "treating" with drugs or meditation or other means really addressing all the pieces you need?
A bigger question is this; is it worth suppressing / changing who you are inside to adapt to this reality, or is it really time to change the reality?

There is something very Victorian about this request - where the woman would rather kill her sex drive & live in a sexless marriage instead of taking her life in her own hands and thriving.

Just have sex. With somebody. Life is short, my friend.

any SSRI should do the trick

I wish I could help you, AY. Many blessings.

JK Brady is right..don't medicate yourself if you're not clinically depressed.

I realize what you're going through is really emotional torture, having once been in such a situation perhaps similar to yours. Maybe because I stopped caring about him as much, it wasn't so torturous, but still....it's murder to want to feel.

You have to use this energy. If you can find a way to give love in a nonsexual way, like tmentoring or volunteering or becoming obsessively involved in some activity you adore, you may get over this.

Or you can take a lover, but that opens you in a LOT more ways than one. And complicates. Boy, does it ever complicate! Keep talking about it. You'll find your solution because you have to.

Can you pleasure yourself so much you won't need more? At worst, you'll have release.

not sure...how about exercising to the point of endorphins?
Lap swimming...

Hello And Yet:

I have read your earlier posts re sexless marriage and I really empathize with what you are going through. When the sex is gone from a marriage and the love is still there, it hurts. It really hurts.
One realizes that some dreams for the marriage will never come true. It is hard to look into the future and see what reality may be. Sometimes it is better not to look or dream about the future. It is hard to remember the pleasures of the past and realize these events will not happen in the future.

In a marriage, one is supposed to be open and vulnerable to one's partner - to open one's soul, to feel the warmth of each other, to smell each other and to physcially touch each other. That is part of sex with one's partner. When one realizes this will never happen again, the pain, isolation and loneliness appears. I share your pain.

Questions arise as to why stay in the marriage. For yourself, for your spouse, for your kids, hoping for a better future. There is no clear answer.

I would not recommend an affair and I think you would agree (because you said so already). Having an affair would just generate a lot of guilt.

Yes you can leave but - can you handle the guilt as being the one to break up the marriage whereby the other partner by no action of their own has not harmed or damaged the marriage. What if your partner dies shortly after you leave. The burden of this guilt would be terrible.

Some people are more physically aware of things than others. Sex is one of those physcial things humans do. One reason for the desire for sex is that the desire can be a sympton for something deeper. Perhaps for a deeper need to be fulfilled, vulnerable, exposed and satisfied (physically, spiritually, emotionally) by another.

You are not a terrible spouse.

I would suggest (if you have not already done so) to seek help - there are various ways to seek help - counselling is one way. You will need to find a counsellor that you feel safe with, that will provide you with a safe environment to let your emotions come hurling out (raw and rough).

Also being with friends (face to face contact) and not via the internet.

It is important to physically be with friends so that they can give you a hug and you can give them a hug. Also it is very important that you cry together in each other's company. Giving and receiving hugs is a good thing when one is crying.

Can you have a break away from your spouse to see friends?

Do you have a dog or a cat. Dogs are very loyal animals that you can pet, hug, take out for a walk and laugh at when they do goofy things. Pets can return some smiles and laughter that become absent in a household.

I have to go. I share in your anguish.

Take care

Sweetie I'm hoping you're just being rhetorical here and you know that repressing that part of yourself isn't the solution you truly seek. You need fulfillment and if you know you need enough to wish it away because you're so miserable without it then you know something's missing in your life that you truly need....find it. FIND IT. Don't deny your soul the very thing it cries out for.

Oh, honey, I have SO been there. I wondered for a long time why I couldn't just stop WANTING it. It would make things so simple, wouldn't it?

Like always, time passed. Things aren't really different for me, but I'm certainly in a different frame of mind, and it isn't because I had an affair (which I didn't) or because I'm on drugs (which I'm not).

I am taking my sex into my own hands, and while that part can be lonely sometimes, I am directing my focus onto the future. Not the far future, either--that can be a useless goose chase. I'm talking about making changes now that will either help me get what I want, or will help him to do so, or both. I could fill you in, but maybe it's better left for PM if you're curious.

Although I realize that some people have a true need for antidepressants, I don't feel you are depressed. Sad, yes. Frustrated and tired and angry, I'm sure. You have reason. Taking a pill isn't going to change it, and that, my dear is what you need. A change.

I agree with Duaneart, MyOnlyOutlet and WalkAwayHappy.

WalkAway happy,
You are such a COY romantic

MyOnlyOutlet,
Now that's just HOT.

And yet,

Scientifically, there is no such thing as "sexual energy" and there is no such thing as "transforming sexual energy to a higher form." A million and a half years of evolution gave you sexual desire; use it to have sex.

Thank you, kind readers, for these comments and the PMs. I will respond to you all over the weekend.

I'm putting myself to bed now, with many of your ideas on my mind.

Your words bring comfort tonight. I thank you for it.

Do what guys do and start a war. Otherwise, you're just going to have to grow up.

Well, it's the middle of the night for me and I think I'm just going to go and have some sex with myself!

Pay no attention to Harry. He has a hard time being courteous to women who write about sex. Pushes his buttons. I wonder why.

I kind of feel like it's not my place -- or anyone's -- to offer any advice on this. But since you asked . . .

Your sex drive is your life drive. Asking how you can "turn it off" is the wrong question . . . you're asking how to make the symptoms of a problem go away without dealing with the actual problem: which is that you're unhappy, that you're emotionally unfulfilled, that you're feeling increasingly desperate.

Make. Yourself. Happy.

If you think that the only thing that can make you happy is the one thing you can't have, then you're not thinking big enough. You know what you want to do. You just haven't yet given yourself permission.

you are obviously conflicted & not really sure if you want to get rid of your sex drive. curiously I was thinking that an interesting plot for a scifi story would be to have a drug or operation that allowed ppl to turn off their sex drive & envision the society that would result. utopia or dystopia? I guess I can imagine either resulting.

as for exercise, suggested by another, I think thats something to try, but for some ppl, it can increase sexual energy/desire.

but yeah, it seems you just need some other "outlet" in life that gives you pleasure.. what is it? even for us that really like sex, we eventually realize that [wild I know] there are other things to life besides it, and a life composed of only 1 thing, eg sex or anything else, becomes onesided and ultimately, even empty.. of meaning..

John, I've heard that about Paxil. I don't think I could lift a car, but maybe a broken back would do the trick.

Teendoc, I wish you were my doc. I just wish it.

JKBrady, I will research that idea; it's a new one to me. If I could channel it, totally into something else, that would be good. Really good.

SL - Wanna go to the doctor with me? Can't seem to get myself there alone.

bobbot, I take it you've tried that one?

JustJuli - You are so kind, and I can tell how much you care. Thank you. I know, sexual desire is normal, but in my life it is so unhelpful, almost cruel. I know you understand my premise and I appreciate that deeply.

Duane, we seem to disagree, but that's all right. I like taste, sound, and sight plenty. It's just this one little pill I'm asking for.

c_c - I own vibes. More than one. It's not orgasms I miss. I have those. Thanks for the wish for solace, I appreciate that.

J D - perhaps. Perhaps. But, believe me, if the pill exists, I'm taking it.

Deborah, not trying to be Victorian. Trying to find a way to live within the "in sickness and in health" part, without feeling so deprived. I appreciate your thoughts. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think them sometimes, too.

hyblaean- Julie - thanks. I'll ask about them.

AshKW - thank you. Your kindness is apparent.

nofrillsmonkey - Yes, many complications. I've never been much of an obsessive... is there a pill to make me one? Just kidding.

Lea, well, I am very good at self-pleasure and that doesn't seem to do the trick. It's that damn touch I miss so much. And kissing.
I'll figure it out. I am determined to.

tai - I do exercise quite a bit. Maybe if I stopped? Would loathing my body do it? Maybe...

Jayyoo, your message is very very kind and giving. Thank you, truly, for writing this to me. I keep reading these words: "One reason for the desire for sex is that the desire can be a sympton for something deeper. Perhaps for a deeper need to be fulfilled, vulnerable, exposed and satisfied (physically, spiritually, emotionally) by another. " I will just say, I think you are totally right. (Of course that does not surprise you.) Thank you for affirming so much of this and for reading and commenting. You are a kind soul.

WalkAwayHappy - thank you for writing. I will consider all that you said. I will.

MyOnlyOutlet - I'm sorry you've felt this, too. I remember when you first commented to me about your life. I'm glad things are changing for you in a positive way. Please feel free to PM me if you wish.

Thoth - thanks for the input.

Harry - I've often wondered it war starters are just sexually deprived men. Likely.

Gabby - hope it was fun.

Sirenita - don't worry. I've been told much much worse around here. Harry doesn't phase me.

WriterVixen, thanks for the comment. We'll see.

vzn - I wondered when you'd stop by. Thanks for not being critical. Just to clarify - my life is not without meaning. I have a good career, family and friends, pets. I volunteer and exercise regularly. I miss sex. That's all. I know it isn't the end-all or be-all. I just miss it.

Thanks again, all. Sorry to always be such a drain on the party. I hate that feeling. Your ongoing kindness to me is incredibly generous and heartwarming. My gratitude runs deep.

That's bullshit, Andyet. You need to drag his ass with you to a counselor. The TWO of you need to work find a solution. You have to get him involved in the process. Your needs are as important as his. Best to you both!!

Honey, I wish I knew. Not so long ago, I would have given the same to have it turned back on - fortunately, it was. Your posts are SOOOO helpful to me, and I am very, very sorry for your pain. You are an inspiration.

Thanks, John. I appreciate that response, and the enthusiasm behind it.

mynameise, oh, I don't think I should be anyone's inspiration. Not at all. The last thing I have done is figure out how to manage this situation and it frequently gets the better of me.
I'm glad it's turned back on for you. Thanks for your kind words.

I've heard that rhetoric before: "You need to seek a professional". The pain of living in a sexless marriage could only be felt by those who have lived in one and even then, the experience varies by scenario and the actors. No one can offer an advice or a solution that has not yet been considered and no one should dare think that there is a solitary remedy. The "pill", I would take perhaps to numb the senses, but the pain will remain to be my best friend in this predicament.

Parinaz,
Sadly, you are correct. We are nine years into this situation. Nine years. All has been tried at home.

When I posted this on Friday, it was at a low point in the day, a moment when I didn't want to contemplate another lonely weekend.

To give myself some credit here, there are times when I am able to de-sexualize myself for long periods of times, maybe three or four or even six months. I make every attempt to avoid reading about sex, seeing it portrayed in movies, listening to love songs, even thinking about it. It can work. But at some point, I crash and burn and the desire overwhelms me and manifests in deep loneliness. Perhaps that's where I was on Friday. I've resolved to try again, to get to that zone, that place where sex sort of goes away for me.

I appreciate that you understand this issue and I am sorry though, that you do. I wish this on no one. As another commenter wrote to me once, "I fear our numbers are legion."

andyet-- I am still waiting for a few key details. how can you not share these? I dont think its fully fair to the readers here. I feel that one has to earn sympathy. maybe what you really like is sympathy over sexlessness. poor thing!! a pity party..
- what prevents your husband from having sex with you? you imply its a physical illness.
- have you discussed these feelings with your husband?
- what happens when you ask your husband if its ok to have sex with someone else?

I remember all those women's magazine articles in the '80s with sex therapists saying, "the kisses and cuddles are more important than sex" and "just hold each other, it's more important for intimacy than intercourse". Ann Landers did some kind of survey in the '90s, and supposedly a huge majority of women preferred the cuddles over "actual" sex.

To me, "just holding each other" (and don't you love the "just", a dismissive word if ever there was one) is like smelling the fresh-baked bread without eating it: pure logic tells us that, yes, it should be "enough", but for most people it isn't. Logic doesn't apply to sexuality at all; it's a wild horse that most of us try to keep in the barn.

I don't know what the answer is: though masturbation is still deeply taboo for women (yet assumed for men), it can provide some relief of tension. But if you *want* someone, long for them, is "just" holding them enough? The body, mind and spirit ask for more, because it is hard-wired into us as part of evolution AND as part of being human.

Having said all that, we have a deep need for being held that goes back to infancy. If your partner no longer feels sexual desire for you, does he still want to touch and hold you? If holding him stimulates desire in you that he can't fulfill, could you incorporate self-release in some creative way? The human spirit is remarkably adaptable when it comes to sex. Many quadriplegics still need and attain some kind of sexual release, perhaps not in the traditional way. I don't know how they do it, but they do it.

I have asked this question, too, and would take it in a heartbeat. I don't care if it's "natural". For some of us, it's nothing but tsuris, as I believe Jewish people would say. I _am_ interested in channelling the energy elsewhere if I can. But for many of us, it's just not a positive force in our lives. This happens. May it never happen to anyone here to whom this seems incredible.