To the Young People Who Write Me About Sexless Relationships
Your stories break my heart. You all profess such love for your significant others, some of you are already engaged. Each of you think you are the only one who has written to me, each of you being so young, in your twenties and early thirties. Please know this, you are not alone. I have heard from many young people since I posted my 'sexless marriage' post.
My spouse and I have been together many years, since our late twenties and for those first several years sex was wonderful, fun, exciting. Illness brought the end of our sex life. Nothing else. There has been much sadness and guilt to work through, seemingly endlessly at times, but still, our loss of sex has been caused by illness.
All of you who write to me, how I hurt for you. Your emails carry subject lines like, "You wrote for me", "I live a sexless life, too" or "Will this ever get better?" and then I read how young some of you are, and in such young relationships - just four or five years, some even less. I'm honored that you choose to write and I wish to help; you all deserve more help and support than I can give over a few emails.
Each of you seem to be on your own paths, and I can respect that (I know I am on mine), but please just consider this: without a serious intervention, medical or emotional (that may not be the correct word), it will not get better. Because if you are already not having sex at such young ages, in such early stages of marriage or togetherness... this bodes very poorly for your future. You, dear young writers, will always ache for more, yearn for sexual sharing and intimacy, and eventually you will likely start to resent the dismissal of your feelings and desires. You may harbor deep and painful anger.
Some of you, the young women who write to me, suffer deep insecurites due to never being touched and craved by your partners. The young men who write are hurt and feel like failures due to what seems like an inability to communicate and improve the situation. I am impressed by how all of try and try to make it better. None of you want this life and each of you clearly still hope for more.
All of you also write about how embarrassed you are by this problem in your relationships. How you don't talk about it with friends or family. How everyone assumes that young, healthy couples who are in love all have good sex lives. Thus, the isolation you all feel is tremendous.
If your partner is averse to sex at 25 or 30, that may never change. And even if it does, miraculously, it may be too late for the two of you. The emotional toll this takes on a relationship is real and dangerous. If my spouse and I didn't have years of good sexual, intimate memories for me to rely upon, I honestly don't know if I'd still be here. None of you are creating those memories. Please consider that, too.
What I say to each of you is this: you are normal. Read it again. You are normal. What you want and desire and articulate so well is vital to healthy relationships. You are normal to want it.
I wish so much for all of you.
(Please trust that I will never reveal your identities or emails, but how I would love to facilitate a conversation among all of you.)
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Deargdruchtach
Salon.com
Comments
I will agree with you that these young people need to seriously think about staying in relationships that are devoid of intimacy. Now, understand this means both physical and emotional. BOTH are important. But I can personally attest to the fact that a lack of sex can lead to a very deep loss of self-worth.
Do not do this to yourselves. There is a more complete relationship out there for you! I have been utterly blessed with a soulmate who has come into my life and filled every void I ever had, and some I never knew were there.
Please keep searching ~ let go of any sense of nobility; your SELF is too important. I cannot stress this enough. You deserve to be loved and it IS POSSIBLE.
Go get it.
there is a religion about sex that "touches" on it but does not wallow in it. its called "tantra" .. I urge you or anyone else to look into it.. plz msg me if anyone wants more details. Ive sprinkled posts about it on here on open salon, but havent yet met any cohorts.
again I fully sympathize with your plight, but I dont see you taking steps that can "solve" it. I didnt say the steps *will* solve it, but they *could* solve it.
in tantra there is a "left hand path" and a "right hand path". one involves sex. the other does not. they are both part of the religion. both can be sacred, or profane. this subtle dichotomy still eludes you. but dont feel bad, because it eludes most everyone.
Cartouche - I appreciate you words. Thanks.
OM - I'm very happy for you. Congratulations! Enjoy.
Athena - I couldn't agree more.
I hurt for you and hope you find solace.
But movie stars and rock and rollers definitely seemed to have more sex than my family and as an adolescent in the 60's, with the advent of "the Pill'" I chose to make more sex than my parent's generation my personal goal. That would be the goal for me in my generation.
Like I say, I think about those dead relatives now... they weren't all without love, although many didn't have sex that much.
Sirenita Lake - "a good sex life was a natural reward and even a right for doing the work of being in a relationship." I love that outlook and am so glad you wrote it here. I hope those young people read it, too. Thank you.
mynameise - From what I can deduce, you and your spouse have been through some hard things of late. I'm glad it's turned around for you both. Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Thanks, JKBrady. Your comment is also very valuable to the young people who've been reading and emailing. Thank you for it.
Lea, thank you. Both of my parents and two of my siblings are counselors/therapists. Maybe it was in the water when I was growing up. :)
noah tall, thanks for stopping by. I have no idea how much sex my long lost relatives had. No idea and can't imagine how I would have ever known as I was just a child when I knew them. You seem to have been much more clued in. Live like a rock star. Always a good plan. :)
Thank you, Kenneth. Mostly, I wanted them all to know that they aren't alone. I appreciate your kind words tonight.
Gwen and Ash - thank you for stopping by. I appreciate the notes.
I got another message today.... so, maybe this is helping somehow.
This was one of the big reasons behind my divorce. It lasted all of 15 mos, and there were no children to consider, and hardly any property. I left it all to him, figuring I'd rather start fresh.
My thinking was: why should I stay w/someone who doesn't want me? If I had provided for myself very well before I ever married, then what reason did I have to stay?
I didn't walk out w/out giving the marriage a huge College Try. But ultimately I couldn't stand the idea of remaining w/a man who had no interest in me sexually. Even if I remain celibate the rest of my life, at least I remain open to another chance.
AY, I'm sure you have good reason to remain in your static, sexless partnership--"better or worse, sickness and health," etc.
But if I were in my 20s, 30s or 40s, and it was my conscious choice to remain w/a mate—not even a spouse!—despite the lack of sexual intimacy, then I’d seriously consider why I thought so little of myself as to squander the prime years of my youth on someone who deliberately chose to waste them. I think doing so speaks volumes about NO (not low) self-esteem and blind desperation at never finding “another chance” again.
Take it from a 50-something woman who lost 100+ lbs and had to learn dating at the advanced age of 36. Even now, there will ALWAYS be another chance. It’s just a matter of whether you choose to take it, or not—or if you’d rather make a life of your own and learn to appreciate it and be happy w/it. A day doesn't go by that I don't thank God that I’ve got everything I’ll ever need, especially my health—and I had to work really hard to get it, but here it is. I can’t imagine that any man would’ve done as well for me as I’ve done for myself.
I’d rather be alone than waste my time on someone who didn’t want me. And even if that “second chance” never happens, I’m STILL better off waking up by myself, b/c I've made such a good life for myself that never depended on someone else for my happiness. "A kingdom in an eggshell," to quote T.S. Eliot.
Never forget that how you see the show, depends on where you sit—so maybe it’s time to change seats.
http://sexlessmarriage.yuku.com/directory
And I fervently second your comments that if this is the way it is now, why do you expect it to be better. Most people on the slm forum above find that leaving is the only cure. There are some exceptions that prove the rule though.
experienceproject.com/groups/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/332/forum
Thanks, fauxpoet - I appreciate the info. Someone had once mentioned that site to me, but I thought he/she said it was no longer active. I will check it out, and hope others will, too.
JustJuli - your messages always make me cry. I can feel your warmth and care. Thank you. I will check into that site as well. You are a good, good woman.
Deborah, yes, wow.
Hi Eva, (I love that name) the readers I am writing about here are so young. Twenties and thirties. Alas, I am neither.
I take your questions in the spirit they were posed and thank you for writing and for your respectful caring.
My spouse is not in a coma. Please, please don't think that someone has to be so sick as to be in a coma to be sexually inactive. That is not the case with my relationship nor is it with the hundreds of people who have written to me about this. It can take much, much less to deter a healthy relationship.
The idea that a loving spouse will 'bless' an outside sexual relationship is a good one, and I've seen it happen and work, to some degree. I think it is more rare than logic suggests.
My best suggestion to you, I'm afraid, is that in this circumstance, you may just have to trust that you can't really understand, and that that, actually, is a very good thing.
Thanks for reading.
Thank you.
The thing about successful marriage is that it's not only about sex. It's about love, mutual respect and trust. A truly loving couple sticks together no matter what.
Thanks for sharing this.
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