NUTTY OLD LADY
A Nutty old woman has moved into my home. She was not invited. She just showed up one day and I can't get rid of her.
She falls downstairs and trips going up stairs. She talks to herself. Swears a lot. Damn this and damned that. She wears her hair in a pony tail and bought a brand new wardrobe that features flowered blouses and pink shorts instead of her usual black and white preppy stuff.
Each morning she takes a hand full of pills to the dining room along with her Macbook and iphone. She makes coffee in a Keurig, eats crackers with cream cheese and blogs. She is disappointed in the stuff she writes. Says its too personal, too maudlin, too talky and old ladyish.
"God, she says, I can't get out of the grandmother mode! Always giving advice...yadda yadda yadda..."In the old days... a lotta crap."
Nutty old lady talks to herself in the supermarket. Can't reach the top shelf so she begs for help or stands on the bottom shelf. Her favorite low sodium chicken soup is on the top shelf. Invariably, one can falls on her head.
"Jeez, don't you know you making a spectacle of yourself?" I ask her.
" I really don't care" she says. "They should have a senior friendly aisle.
Booze, magazines, chocolate candy and frozen dinners."
Since they raised her long term care insurance byt 60% she has been on a tear about having enough money for her old age.
She says her investments aren't keeping up with inflation and she worries about having the money she needs to stay out of her kids basement apartment. She mumbles stuff like: " Guess it's off to the woods to live with the bears."
Just the other day she said to her oldest son, who is fifty one, " I am so jealous of JR (a grandson) heading off to college. A new life, new friends, away from home in a dorm...wish it was me. Life is so ho hum."
Son replied "Don't worry N'annie you'll be going to a dorm with new friends soon enough."
NOL responded. FU and made herself a martini. Then she continued with her ipad lesson.
Stupid old woman complains about her arms becoming wings and her hair thinning. She complains about her aches and pains. Says she is tired of this aging shit. She tries new makeup and is thinking about false eyelashes.
" You look fine for your age" I assure her.
She answers, "And you're full of shit too! Do you think they can't see my neck wrinkles and the sagging jowels? God, I look like a turkey!"
"Stop with the aging crap and the old stuff", I tell her. " Look ahead"
" I am," she says. "Which reminds me, husband of yours says we need to write our obituaries and I have to revise my will. He says we have to be prepared in case we die in a car crash on the way to Florida"
"Highly unlikely." I respond. "More likely that we'll die of angst after living with you."
"Seriously," NOL replied... "I've been thinking about my funeral. Maybe I'll be cremated and use the urn on the mantel piece for my ashes."
"Its not from your side of the family," I remind her.
"You know I hate politicians "she says." They are all liars. I'm going to vomit in the voting booth."
"Shut up and have some wine." I say. "Golf channel is on and if you don't like that I'm sure I can find you a good book to read. Con Chapman's book A View from the Charles has been recommended by your buddy Matt. It's about Boston and you were born in Cambridge. Remember? And please...please... stop kissing my husband good night."