By ANDREA HIGBIE
Camille, Camille, Camille! Did you learn nothing from "The Art of War," that Chinese classic on military strategy? You know, the sixth century B.C. book you were carrying around with you to scare all the other gals on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," all through Episode 6?
Yes, that one. Things looked so promising then, back in the day, precisely Nov. 18, when your biggest challenge was how best to humiliate that Botoxed bunch, while simultaneously impressing them and inspiring their lifelong envy.
"It's time for me to come out of my husband's shadow, and shine," you've been saying in the Bravo show's opener since its premiere on Oct. 14. Are you shining yet?
In last night's Episode 12, "Turn, Turn, Turn," it all turned for the worst. l
You got dumped by your husband, Kelsey Grammer. And we all loved it. This was the episode everyone's been waiting for, the big one: the downfall of Camille.
Camille has herself convinced that she has neatly inspired the blistering envy of the showy Adrienne Maloof, of casino fame, with the tinsel-topped casino hair and Rococo casino-style house and her pet monkey husband; the lonely and unhappily married Taylor Armstrong, whose lips have been surgically altered to look like a duck's bill, and the show's Lady of Perpetual Anxiety, Kim Richards, who continues to skate on the thin ice of fame she enjoyed as a child back in 1975, when she was in Disney's "Escape to Witch Mountain."
Kim deludes herself, and anyone else who will listen, with her rushed, jagged tales in which her niece Paris Hilton learns who's who and what's what when it comes to celebrity icons. "I've had people name their children after me," Kim says, and yes, that's true. Kim named her own daughter Kimberly.
But Camille's true archnemesis is Kyle Richards, Kim's younger, even less famous, sister, a chunkier, throatier Demi Moore look-alike. No special reason. Camille spent a hunk of time in Episode 11 trying to lure Kyle to unfurl herself from one of her many caftans and jump into her pool at last week's party, another tense affair chez Camille, where the hostess paraded around in a tiny bikini while the other women seethed and the husbands (except for Kelsey, who wasn't there, as usual) slavered.
"Could be female jealousy," Camille simpers, heaving her surgically enhanced bosom with a giggle. "They'll get over it." Everyone wants to be Camille, Camille says.
Might this be a lesson learned in "The Art of War"? Later, Camille gives Kyle a present -- a book for her to carry around, called "How to Behave."
Camille might have been using her time and channeling her energy more wisely, perhaps by noticing what was going on with her husband. Instead, while Camille's four nannies have been tending to the two children she gave birth to through surrogates, Camille's been busy alienating other women and lip-kissing their husbands. ("Nick is yummy," the vacant-eyed Camille explains after a season of kisses with this "close friend," most in front of Nick's wife, one of her many "close friends" on the payroll.)
Camille has the best friends money can buy, yet not one of them tipped her off about what was going on with Kelsey. At the least, you would think her friend/employee the psychic would have given her a heads up.
Camille revealed on last night's "Real Housewives," that shortly before the Tony Awards, "My husband called me from New York in the middle of the night, and told me that he was done with our marriage." She begged him: "Please don't leave. Don't leave the family. It's devastating."
A 55-year-old married man who has an affair with a younger woman (Kayte Walsh, a flight attendant, is 29; Camille's 42, or so she says; she is also, as Kyle screamed at her one night, "such a fucking liar."), impregnates her, becomes engaged to her, and dumps his wife would normally be seen as the villain while the poor wife would win all our sympathy.
But here, Camille is being seen as the villain, and while Kelsey Grammer is not exactly a hero, he is certainly seen as a martyr for having put up with Camille for their 13-year marriage. The fact that his fiancee had a miscarriage in the midst of all this ended up gaining Kelsey and Kayte extra sympathy points.
But here, Camille is being seen as the villain, and while Kelsey Grammer is not exactly a hero, he is certainly seen as a martyr for having put up with Camille for their 13-year marriage. The fact that his fiancee had a miscarriage in the midst of all this ended up gaining Kelsey and Kayte extra sympathy points.
Camille has been making the rounds with her spin on it all, spitting venom with Howard Stern on Wednesday on his Sirius XM radio show. She has been "revealing," among other things, that Kelsey is a fervent cross-dresser (never mind that he's in "La Cage Aux Folles"). "Here's what I'm hearing," Stern said. "That Kelsey's a total freak." Camille: "Bingo!"
Andy Cohen, producer of the "Housewives" franchise for Bravo, put on his black-framed Poindexter glasses last night to play serious interviewer with Camille on "Watch What Happens Live," taped in the Bravo clubhouse, otherwise known as his apartment, following "Real Housewives."
Taking off from Howard Stern's show, Andy said to Camille: "No sex? You were not having sex?"
Camille replied: "I mean, that's not completely true. We had had sex."
Andy: "But you hadn't for...."
Camille: "For some time."
Andy: "What's some time?"
Camille: "A while."
Andy: "Five years? Two years?"
Camille: "Well, uh, we tried."
"I have a confession to make," Camille said. "I'm wearing men's briefs."
Kelsey's been busy, too, though he refuses to respond to Camille's statements about him. Last night, he appeared on "Late Show With David Letterman" on CBS, noting that he plans to leave "La Cage Aux Folles" next month, when he is replaced by Jeffrey Tambor. He announced that he and Kayte Walsh will be wed in February too.
They have no prenuptial agreement; neither did Camille and Kelsey. Camille is expected to receive a $50 million divorce settlement, half his fortune, the bulk of which came from playing his persnickety, foppish psychiatrist Dr. Frasier Crane on the sitcoms "Cheers" and "Frasier." Camille Donatacci, Kelsey's third wife, after a dance instructor and a stripper, appeared in Playboy, had a few bit acting parts and danced at bar mitzvahs.
Last night, NBC broadcast a 2010 rerun of "30 Rock," in which Kelsey Grammer showed up, playing a version of himself. "One last long grift, huh?" he says to Jenna and Kenneth the page when they enlist his help to scam Carvel for birthday cakes. "OK," he says. "I'm in. But there's one rule: anybody gets hurt during the score, we leave 'em behind to die. Now, who are you and what are we doing?"
Camille is loving all this drama, basking in all the attention. Out from that shadow yet, Camille? Shining? Didn't think so.
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Comments
For me, Beverly Hills is just a holding pattern for the Washington Wives...I have to know what happens to those psychotic Salahis....
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