NOVEMBER 14, 2011 9:05AM

'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills': I Hear Dead People

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The best thing about Kyle's séance last Monday on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" was that Allison DuBois wasn't there.

The electronic-cigarette puffing psychic Allison memorably played Camille Grammer's wingthing (neither wingman nor wingwoman, this practitioner of bitchcraft was netherworldy) while Camille played innocent -- a role much tougher than the ones barely demanded of her in "The Naked Detective" and Howard Stern's "Private Parts," the titles telling it all -- at her notorious dinner party last December in the show's first season.


Camille Donatacci Grammar topless naked nude softcore porn 4

Until the ferocious Camille had the Mrs.beaten out of her by the first season's close in May, the blonded, botoxed and bejeweled woman who showed up (after promising she wouldn't) this September for the second season seemed like the beneficiary of a personality transfusion, one emerging in the most peculiar, Mary Poppins-full way, a reasonable facsimile of a decent citizen.

Unless the old Camille or some other version of the former Camille Donatacci (whose face now looks as if someone jabbed a needle into her neck and yanked it out, leaving a hole that lets the air inside slowly escape, as anything or anybody would if they were trapped inside her:  "I'm melting!") emerges this season, we'll refer charitably to the Season One virago as Mrs. Kelsey Grammer.  
Amid all her losses -- several houses, prestige and, at this point in Season Two, possibly her two children -- Camille is keeping the Grammer, which should help in her English-as-a-second-language endeavors, Machiavellic and pernicious, indeed!

The "Machiavellic" Kyle, according to Mrs. Kelsey Grammer, was pernicious, very pernicious and oh, so pernicious back in Season One. 

“God, she’s so pernicious,” Mrs. K.G. declared about Kyle last season, determined that the other housewives, their husbands, Bravo executives on down, all of us out in TV Land, Beverly Hills, California, the United States, the world, the galaxy, the universe, should know that she was an English major in college (Montclair State, which was also attended by the former Carmela De Angelis, who dropped out to marry Tony Soprano, a good move at the time).
As Allison DuBois would say, "Know that."

If Camille keeps up her good behavior this season, we're going to have to start blaming Frasier for her past sins, and what kind of psychiatrist would that make him? Kelsey Grammer was quoted recently as saying that Camille thought he was Frasier, and that's why she married him, in 1996 after meeting on a blind date. 

If he'd rather believe this than believe that Camille married him because she thought his wallet belonged to an actor who had been playing the part of the charming and effeminate Dr. Frasier Crane the last two decades, on two hit NBC shows, then who am I to stop him?

As wingthing at Camille's December dinner party (even less fun than game night a few weeks ago, Allison DuBois swiftly supplied terrible futures and equally terrible presents, no gifts there, Mrs. Kelsey Grammer's enemies at last winter's attendance mandatory dinner party, with the other Beverly Hills "Housewives," plus one, Kyle Richards's infamous friend Faye Resnick, whom Mrs. Kelsey Grammer called "morally corrupt" at the dinner for having posed nude in the March 1997 issue of Playboy, making the magazine cover.

Faye Resnick, a close friend of the 35-year-old Nicole Brown Simpson (a claim made in 1994 by Kris Jenner, too, long before she was the 72-day monster-in-law, back when she was known only as the wife of O.J. Simpson's dream team lawyer Robert Kardashian), told all to the police about Nicole and her estranged, violent husband charged with the June 12, 1994, deaths of Nicole and her 25-year-old friend Ron Goldman, a model and waiter at Mezzaluna, where Nicole had dined that evening. She called the restaurant because her mother, Juditha Brown, had accidentally left her eyeglasses behind.
The glasses were discovered in the gutter outside the restaurant. Although Goldman had not served their table, he said he would take them to her.

Nicole Brown Simpson and Goldman were slain outside Nicole's Brentwood condo (since demolished), where she moved with the Simpsons' two children when she left her husband at the Rockingham estate.
O.J. Simpson was charged and tried for both murders.  In October 1995, after the so-called trial of the century that lasted nearly nine months, he was found not guilty. In a 1997 civil trial, a jury found Simpson liable for the wrongful death of Goldman and awarded $33 million to the Goldman family. 

Faye Resnick's book, "Nicole Brown Simpson: The Private Diary of a Life Interrupted," written with Mike Walker, columnist and senior editor at The National Enquirer, was rushed into print in late October 1994 by Dove Books.
The book says O.J. Simpson repeatedly beat his wife, and threatened to kill her if he found her with another man.
Protected by prosecutors who were counting on her to testify against Simpson and about the couple's problems, Faye Resnick -- known as Faye the Fake by her detractors -- went into hiding as the first 750,000 copies of the book were printed.
The importance of her testimony, the prosecutors said, outweighed the strikes against her credibility, tarnished by three marriages, three divorces and two rehab stints at Betty Ford for drug addiction. The defense lawyers, they knew,  would question whether her cocaine abuse tainted her perception.

But Mrs. Kelsey Grammer wasn't referring to any of that. Just to Faye's March 1997 Playboy spread, as Mrs. K.G. might have put it had she thought of it.



Mrs. K.G. bared her soul's hardware in Playboy about 15 times, nude and sometimes adorned in lingerie.
She bested Faye Resnick by two years for cover credits, sort of, appearing on the front of Playboy's November/December 1995 Lingerie issue.

November/December 1995 Playboy's Book of Lingerie with Camille Donatacci Grammer

Faye Resnick is among the lucky people to leave behind the 1994 murders, gaining stability and a measure of fame, or infamy, depending on who's
 Playboy Magazine March 1997 Faye Resnick
measuring, and writing about it. And, of course, appearing twice now on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," each time with a psychic.

Kato Kaelin, a never-was -- much less a wannabe -- was another Simpson satellite sprinkled with gold dust.

He gained national recognition as well as more acting jobs in his role as O.J. Simpson's permanent and honest houseguest (like Lisa Vanderpump's Season One permanent houseguest, Cedric, but not a con man) and then he won respect for providing crucial testimony for the prosecution.  

Gold dust found its way, too, onto the black robe worn by Judge Lance Ito, granting him the best tables at the best restaurants, access to the best people therein and a gaping maw for his colleagues on TV begging to be filled by real-life judges (so much cheaper than even moderately famous actors), taking the first steps up, or down, the reality TV ladder.

Last night's medium, Rebecca, who was more of a large, was kinder to Faye than was Allison DuBois, Mrs. K.G.'s minion. In fact, unlike last season's psychic, Rebecca was kinder to everybody and managed to seem calm, cool and sane at Kyle's new house, which would fit nicely in Adrienne Maloof's bedroom closet, for the séance.

Mrs. Kelsey Grammer ended up smacking herself in the face with that "morally corrupt" label at her December dinner party, as the housewives sat in their limo outside what was then her home, chortling as they pored over stills from porn flicks in which Camille hadn't even starred, but was only a featured player, with her bits hogging the parts. There were also, as it turned out, numerous still photos in Playboy, in which she was the star, most times.
So what is it with Faye Resnick and psychics? Can someone, even the highly unqualified Adrienne DuBois or the blah Rebecca Nolastname, tell me? Come on!  We'll play the Bravo Shows Are Unscripted game!  It's just like the game the housewives and husbands play, the popular Let's Pretend We Don't Know We're On TV and We Live In a Bubble Onto Ourselves, a game that real stars play, too, and don't even realize it.

And where was Allison? Had she been doing her job and foreseeing that her employer/paying friend/dinner host was about to be dumped by her husband, she might have planned better and might still have her job. Divorce can be so hard on one's psychics.

And where was Dana? Out doing a price check?  Brandi Glanville, making a good girl effort for a slut pig, was in attendance, but only to hear Rebecca tell her that she'd be having another child, a girl. Undoubtedly,  the prediction thrilled Kyle Richards, God forbid that another Glanville boy would be born to pee on the lawns of the world.  Any lawn.
Since her soap opera husband, Eddie Cibrian, left Brandi for what could only be the secret charms of LeAnn Rimes, there's no good prospect for such right now, so Kyle will either have to keep her fingers crossed or invest in acres of tarp. 

While Camille was triumphant, or so she thought, the last time a psychic swooped in, this past Monday she was upset because her ex-husband, Kelsey, now on marriage No. 4 (fourth time's the charm?), filed for primary custody of their two children.
The psychic Rebecca  told Camille that her grandparents were in touch, and wanted Camille to know that they were not mourning the marriage's end, but celebrating the divorce, as should Camille. And Camille should know, Rebecca continued, that her next love "swings in the right direction."
Not that Kelsey swung the wrong way, not that there's anything wrong with it, but Mrs. K.G. covered the waterfront last season with rumors that he did, and that he was the one who adored lingerie. And not on her.

Kim Richards begged off from attending, telling her sister it was against her religion, or some new kind of excuse, as Lisa Vanderpump pointed out. 

And wouldn't you know it, there was talk of Russell Armstrong. And the poor man not even dead yet.

For all its talk about editing "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" to take into consideration Armstrong's suicide just three weeks before the second second premiere on Sept. 5, Bravo has refused to let the poor man rest in peace.
There's nothing to be gained, to be seen, to be learned at this point from seeing more embarrassing scenes of Armstrong bluffing his way in fear through the show. All the points that could have been made, have been made, and more of this is worst than exploitative.

Lastly, about exploitative: are Kim Richards and Dr. Paul Nassif in cahoots?  As in, he'll provide some mumbo-jumbo straight-from-the-PDR medications that simulate the drunken, manic and nonsensical behavior.of Kim, and Kim will put herself in the good doctor's hands for some facial rejuvenation.  Boosting his sagging business, that not even botox will shore up, while boosting her reputation, for which the word "sagging" is ridiculously kind.

We'll see. And we'll be keeping a very close watch on "Ken," the John Wayne Gacy of Kim's dreams.

And any fool could have predicted what Rebecca the large medium told Kyle occurred in another life.

Of Kim, via the spirits naturally, Rebecca tells Kyle: "You were her mom in a past life."

What a psychic! How could Rebecca know all these things about everyone, anyway? What a clairvoyant! Might she be so blessed as to own a TV?  And watch it?  Or read?  Or Google?

The girls, as they still insist on calling themselves, despite those ever-lengthening fangs of theirs, managed to scare themselves sillier, hearing a voice, an old woman's voice, behind Rebecca's chair. Is there anything in this room that can scare you?  Yes, Rebecca, our memories of Allison DuBois.

Besides that?

"Kyle!" is what Kyle hears. It's all about Kyle, isn't it?  Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.  But, lo! It's a creaky old woman's voice, calling Kyle, Kyle!  And Kyle hears it. I don't, but I have heard of crystal meth and I do know that post-surgery patients don't usually look their best.

It was Kyle's grandmother, Rebecca said.  Clearly on the grandmother psychic hotline now,  Rebecca told Lisa that Allison DuBois was trying to reach her grandmother last December. But her grandmother refused to pick up.  I don't blame her, Lisa said; that was one very rude psychic.

Like a stranger, Camille said nothing about Allison DuBois, erstwhile friend, employee and flawed visionary.  And so Allison vanishes, the only trace of her from her electronic cigarette, a puff of smoke, a cloud, drifting away into the night air. WHO'S THERE?

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Ken: "The John Wayne Gacy of Kim's dreams..." OMG, I cannot wait to do more than skim this. (The pictures are too racy for the elementary school library.) rated in advance~r