By ANDREA HIGBIE
I've spent all week in a scalding shower, but nothing I could do would rinse away the memories of the "Shahs of Sunset" premiere last Sunday. So I went ahead last night and turned the TV back on, toweling off and then throwing it in.
Here I was at Bravo's latest unintentional meld of idolatry and irony, watching a real-estate rich Reza try to out-"Hangover" both "Hangovers" in celebrating his 38th birthday. Never alone, he transported his spoiled, idiotic friends with him to Vegas, all of whom believe they are Beverly Hills-bedazzling after their wealthy Persian families fled Iran's revolution, young mock princes and princesses in tow.
Reza (pronounced rezz-AH), who told Andy Cohen the other day that he had the hots for Ryan Gosling, insists on attributing everything that he thinks is sophisticated, special, cool to the Persian in him. No, not that other Persian in him. The Persian that is Reza.
"Hello! I'm Persian!" So yes, that means Reza first rents a party limo with a stripper's pole he slides down and then charters a private jet for his birthday weekend of cavorting and drinking and throwing up, dropping label names, and going all mean girlish on one another.
"I love flying privately, and I feel so sorry for people who have to fly any other way," MJ, who shortly becomes a drunken thug in a cocktail dress, tells the camera. Why, thank you!
GG, a frying-pan-faced meanie with a nose bob, informed us in the show's previews that "I hate ants and ugly people," so there's not much more to find out about her, yet she has been refusing to go away.
By the end of last night, though, in the episode titled "It's My Birthday, Bitches," everybody's sick of GG, so sick of GG that they deprive her of the attention that is her oxygen and lifeblood, and by the show's end *** SPOILER ALERT *** she has no choice other than to toss her curls and storm out.
"I didn't have any attention from anyone," she tells the camera matter-of-factly. "So, it was pretty tough."
Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty tough. Tune in next week, 10 ET/9 CT, to see if GG reappears.
There's plenty else going on. For instance, Reza is so suave he's suave enough to stand tall and tell one and all, "I cannot tell the difference between Dom and Cristal."
Those are some cojones on him. But Reza needs them, looking as he does like a pedophile love child of Freddie Mercury and Hitler. Oh, and, yes, he's gay, which his mama offered him $500,000 to forget all about and marry the mock princess next door. He didn't go for it.
"Hello! I'm Persian!"
Bravo's execs are no doubt praying fiercely that Reza will be its next breakout star, especially with Bethenny Frankel ready to say bye-bye to Bravo.
It was Reza's weekend to shine, even if GG misbehaved more than usual. He did get GG and his bushy-browed friend Asa to agree during a spa treatment the morning after the Bacchanal to try to be friends, but how Asa can trust someone who accuses her of having a "gross ghetto style," I'll never know.
GG could give it a go, but only because she'd been more busily attacking Mike's new gal, the sexy Anita, since they met.
After sniggering to a progressively drunker MJ soon after arriving in Las Vegas, saying that Anita's dress was two years old and off the sales rack -- oh, my heavens, which is worse? -- GG attacked Anita at the pool for her sexy red Herve Leger cut-out swimsuit: "You're going to have ugly tan lines."
"Anita's ass is all boney," GG announced further. "I would never look like that. It looks bad."
When Anita warned Mike that the swimsuit "cost 800 bucks -- I don't want it to get wet," GG told the camera: "Having a bathing suit that you can't get wet and go in the pool with is like having a cake that you can't eat. What's the point?"
But GG's contention, though I agree with it, had nothing to do the utility of fashion or the futility of cakes you can't eat.
As Reza put it, and put it well, indeed: "She" -- Anita -- "looks twice as good as you" -- GG -- "look, and she's getting twice as much attention as you're getting."
Anyway, Anita could get the swimsuit wet. That she just didn't want to, now that was ghetto.