By ANDREA HIGBIE
Ramona's enemies list is growing by the episode, and last night she added her best friend to the pile.
Sonja Morgan, it seems, has committed the worst of sins. She has crossed a screaming, Pinot-addled Ramona Singer.
Ramona spent the entire fourth episode of "The Real Housewives of New York" last night obsessing about not being invited to London by Heather Thomson ("Holla!"), whom she added to her enemies list last week, just under the Countess.
If Ramona adds an enemy an episode, or even every other episode, this fifth season is going to run very short on "Housewives." Jill Zarin may have to be called back in to take some more guff from her old frenemy.
But it was Sonja's moment last night. She was being celebrated for making the cover of Social Life magazine, so it was the perfect time for Ramona, that scene-stealing whirlwind Ramona, to berate her for accepting Heather's invitation to join her in London while she's there on business.
"Are you gonna go without me?" Ramona demanded. "Are you going without me?"
Calmly steadying herself for what was certainly ahead, Sonja told her, "I go on a lot of trips without you."
"Sonja, you're missing the effing point!" Ramona screamed. "And now I'm getting mad at you."
"Mario!" Ramona calls to her husband. "I wanna go home!"
Sonja said in her solo interview that she was "shell-shocked," although she has known Ramona for years, three of them spent not speaking to her, "but that was over a sample sale dress." Understandable.
Aviva Drescher was taken aback by this "Real Housewives" party chatter. "I was truly speechless. I'm not sure if it's the Pinot talking, but I couldn't believe how Ramona was treating Sonja and yelling at her, especially given the fact that it was Sonja's big night."
That's where Aviva was wrong. If Ramona is present, it must be her big night.
Ramona complained to Mario: "Sonja's not supporting me. She said everyone shouldn't be invited all the time." (No, Sonja did not say that; she said something reasonable, like sometimes people are invited and sometimes they are not. That's life.)
"She's saying I'm wrong with my feelings," Ramona whined. (Ramona, please take an English class someday soon.)
"She doesn't make sense," Ramona tells Mario/the camera. "She has like diarrhea of the mouth."
Ramona could well be the single person left standing who doesn't realize that when you point a finger at someone else, there are always three fingers pointing back at you.
She also makes it clear, inadvertently, why psychotherapy is not a DIY job.
Spending the episode alternately inviting Heather to events and being rude to her, Ramona stated loudly to everyone (ie. Heather): "I always like to invite everyone. I like to be inclusive."
Self-awareness not being her strong suit, Ramona makes the rounds, repeating what she has said, over and over.
"I wanted to see if she'd picked up on that," Ramona said about Heather. "And she didn't."
But she did.
"I smiled right through Ramona's dig," Heather said in her solo camera interview, clearly enjoying how miserable she was making Ramona. "Could she be any more obvious?"
Or blind in her perceptions?
"So, I don't know what's different about me, but I kind of don't go with the sledgehammer anymore," Ramona said in her solo camera interview. "I do it a little more subtle."
And just last week Ramona announced, "I know exactly who I am, I know exactly where I'm going."
Not to London.
In her quest to be invited and/or to vanquish Heather, Ramona arranged a little lunch with Aviva and Carole Radziwill, giving them gift bags with items from her skin care line and nudging them into trash talking about Heather.
They didn't need much nudging.
Ramona reminds them that Heather is a villain because she talks too much and interrupts. (See statement above on finger-pointing.) Also that she has "bad manners." And she is evil. Very evil.
Carole says, "I think we need to do a talking intervention."
Aviva allows that she was "miffed" when Heather had her assistant respond to Aviva's lunch invitation, instead of simply calling Aviva herself. Even Angelina Jolie calls her friends herself, Aviva says, though it is unclear at best how Aviva would know that.
Until Aviva bowed out of going to London, begging off because of her myriad phobias, my only interest in this trip was whether she would pack her gas mask and which leg would she choose -- the flat-heeled one or the one made for stilettos? Or would she, unmindful of baggage fees, just pack a spare?
Meanwhile, the Countess spirited Sonja away for a luncheon of their own. Sure, these two are just wild about Harry, Aviva's ex-husband, but it's Ramona that the Countess wishes to discuss.
"Ramona is very jealous of my relationship with Sonja," the Countess says in her solo interview, licking her lips.
The Countess pushes and prods until Sonja gives in, saying, "I do get tired" of Ramona. "She does wear me out."
Unlike the Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, Carole ("I may be a princess, but I'm definitely not a drama queen") does not demand to be referred to by her title, and so I shall dub her the People's Princess.
Carole noted that after the Countess swanned into Sonja's party, "Within the first 30 seconds of saying hello, she can't help but drop names of European princes and princesses."
"It's like she has royal Tourette's syndrome," Carole says.
I hereby declare the People's Princess the winner of the Best Line of the Night Award.
And may she stay off Ramona's enemies list, at least for another episode.
Ramona Singer with her constant companion, Pinot Grigio.