By ANDREA HIGBIE
"If I wasn't your father, boy, I'd be after you."
And, suddenly, the cause of Aviva's fears and phobias is revealed. Or, at least, it all becomes clearer.
"Dad, you're disgusting!"
Last night on "The Real Housewives of New York," Aviva Drescher made plans to set her father up with Sonja Morgan.
"He's a sex addict," Aviva said, a selling point for Sonja if ever there was one.
"Wow!" Sonja said. "I'm getting hot."
"He's my father."
Maybe not so hot, after all. If this introduction is meant as payback for Sonja's masterminding the worst anniversary party ever for Aviva and her husband last week, it's perfect.
And it let us in on a little bit of the mystery that is Aviva Drescher.
So Aviva's missing leg, resulting from a conveyor belt accident in a barn when she was 6, might not be the source of her fear of flying, her fear of elevators, her fear of 99 percent of the dictionary from A to Z, her fear of fear. Could it be that her relationship with her father or even the mere fact of him is what sent her hopping up to that conveyor belt?
Is Aviva trying to turn Sonja into her stepmother? Sonja has already slept with Aviva's ex-husband, Harry Dubin. Isn't that enough?
Is Aviva subconsciously, or consciously, carving a "Chinatown"-esque scenario for herself?
Riddle me all that.
One wonders if Aviva consulted with her cadre of specialists about the proposed hookup before inviting Sonja (and the Singers, and NOT that shark-tooth smiling Heather Thomson, yo -- holla!) to her family's Bal Harbour, Miami, condo. (Which is way up in the sky but "it doesn't make me feel fearful," said Aviva, shortly before telling her husband that she would never go wind-surfing, never --not for millions and millions of dollars.)
One wonders if Aviva spoke with the same experts who told her it was A-OK -- safe, expect no trauma -- to change her 4-month-old son's name, when little Hudson (the former Brandon) was evaluated, too.
Is Aviva creating her own hell? Or just building an addition on it?
Even though in this fifth season's "Real Housewives" premiere last month the Countess introduced Aviva -- "poised and graceful and charming -- you'd never know that she has a handicap" -- as if her handicap was being one-legged (though the Countess never said anything about legs or legless-ness), Aviva's true handicap could be her father.
We'll have to wait a week to see if Sonja is charmed, but I'm betting she's not. Especially since Daddy says to Carole Radziwill, who happens to be in Miami and joins them, "Carole, I could give you your first squirting orgasm." That's just tacky.
And that's after Aviva took his advice and ordered the atrociously long Kobe beef hot dog at a restaurant with the Singers. "Typical Dad -- there he goes again," Aviva said. "Pervert."
"Mother died six years ago," Aviva said. Daddy turned "into a big playboy," she said, "to deal with his loss."
"It's sick -- what else is there to say?"
Back in New York, Heather Thomson learns that Aviva, who chided her for not inviting Ramona to London, did not invite her to Miami.
"She goes and does the same thing, and excludes people from the trip to Miami," Heather said. "Not a big deal to me, but a little like the pot calling the kettle black."
Heather then unsheathed her small, sharp knife. "I feel bad for her," she said of Ramona.
No fans were won by the Countess in this episode, in which she and Jacques held a mystery wine-tasting party, setting up Ramona to say and hear uncomplimentary things about her Ramona Pinot Grigio.
"I thought it was mean-spirited," Aviva said.
Ramona's husband, Mario, who a few seasons back notably called the recently separated LuAnn the Countless, was annoyed at Jacques: "Sounds like Pepe Le Pew, this guy."
The People's Princess Carole was annoyed that the Countess demanded the royal treatment from Carole's friend, asking to borrow a dress he'd designed.
"She's not the Queen of England," the Princess noted.
Ramona was still hanging angry about Heather's not inviting her to London, and took Sonja and Carole out to lunch to hear all about the trip.
"I was amazed when the ladies were telling me they'd had it with LuAnn," Ramona said last night, hoping to hear dirt on Heather, but, alas, settling for LuAnn.
Either way, it was good enough.
- From left, Ramona Singer, Aviva Drescher (note to Ramona: Aviva DOES wear her prosthetic leg at the beach), Reid Drescher, Sonja Morgan and Daddy Dearest, in Bal Harbour, Miami.