An hour with Aviva's father is like a month with a class of eighth-grade boys. Without the class.
"I could give you your first squirting orgasm," Daddy Dearest proposed to Carole Radziwill last night on "The Real Housewives of New York," between complimenting Ramona Singer's body and appreciating his daughter's ("If I wasn't your father, boy, I'd be after you").
And Carole wasn't even his date.
Aviva Drescher had
pimped invited Sonja Morgan for that purpose, not terribly long after Sonja's fling with her ex-husband, Harry Dubin.
"This is like the Park Avenue of the Upper East Side of Manhattan," Aviva said at least twice, telling her
prey guests about the family condo in Bal Harbour, Miami.
And like a big Chiclet-toothed wolf, Daddy Dearest leered, lusted and sexually innuendoed his way through the ladies, ignoring Mario Singer, except to compliment him on his wife, and alternately ignoring and insulting Reid, Aviva's husband, dismissing him as boring.
If Daddy wasn't poking Sonja with an erection or waggling his tongue obscenely, he was recommending that Aviva order a giant Kobe hot dog, which she actually did, giving herself the gift of yet another anecdote about Daddy.
Daddy Dearest, with Sonja Morgan, center, and Carole Radziwill.
Daddy makes Joe Gorga, master of the gorgasm over on "The Real Housewives of New Jersey," look like the ultimate sophisticate. Even when Joe is waving around what he likes to call his Tarzan.
Throughout last night's episode, Aviva was
titillated disgusted ("Dad, you're disgusting!), keeping the party going. "Why don't you ask my father why his last serious relationship ended," she said at dinner.
Sonja bit. "Because your mother died?"
No, no, no. She died, but that's not it.
Daddy Dearest had a 35-year-old girlfriend, but "she caught me cheating with a 22 year old," he said.
Ramona was uncomfortable. "Why are you bringing this up?" she asked, as she had when everyone began talking about Aviva's ex-husband when Sonja said he'd told her to be careful around Daddy, who retorted, "He'll be so envious of me."
"I would never keep talking about my ex-husband in front of my current husband," Ramona said. "It's not right."
Clearly, a lot was not right.
"I'm embarrassed, I'm humiliated," Aviva said about her father. "But I'm also very
Daddy asks Sonja, "Are you multi-orgasmic?"
In her solo camera interview, Sonja says, "I am no prude, but that George -- he may even be too much for me."
Though he did catch her at her own game. "You're not wearing panties!" he says.
But more to the point, "I'm very charmed by George," Sonja says. "He's a good-looking man, and he definitely looks monied, and he's got some major real estate."
As Ramona told Daddy, "You look like you have a lot of money, and you look very vurl." Virile.
In the morning, Aviva is still going on about the wonders of Daddy. "My father knows how to live, that's for sure," she says, when they arrive at his pool. "Hi, Dad!" she trills.
He greets her more flatly, "Hi," perking up only when he sees the other women.
"Did I long for you last night," he tells Sonja, looking her up and down. "Gorgeous legs!" So, he's a leg man.
When it wasn't about one body part last night, it was about another, with Ramona "opening her mouth and sticking both feet into it," as Carole put it.
Ramona finally let go of her obsession about Heather Thomson's not inviting her to London (it helped that Heather was not invited to Miami, yo -- holla!), replacing it with an obsession about Aviva's leg, or lack of leg.
"Listen to me!" Ramona orders Aviva when she wants to dip into Carole's friend's pool. "You can't wet your leg."
Ramona anoints herself the Guardian of the Prosthetic Leg for the trip, telling Aviva what to do with it.
"How many legs do you have?" Ramona demands. "You only have one." No, silly, she has at least two, for formal and informal occasions.
After Aviva soaks herself, Ramona continues: "Do you need a blow dryer for it? Can you blow dry your leg?"
Fortunately, Daddy Dearest was not around.
With her myriad fears and phobias, Aviva is scared to simply tell Ramona, "Please cease and desist on all the leg talk," so she works out a series of schemes and signals with Sonja and Carole (who admitted that Ramona was "acting a little out of hand") so they could be the ones to put the kibosh on Ramona.
It didn't have to get to that point.
"Luckily, she stopped because if she had kept on going, I was going to have to tell her what I thought of her bathing suit," Aviva said about Ramona in her solo camera interview.
No, you wouldn't, Aviva. You know you'd be scared to do that.
Anyway, that would have interrupted the flow of Daddy Dearest's sexual antics. Which Aviva so fully enjoys. And that's scary.
Defying Ramona, Aviva Drescher, middle, gets into the water, with Carole Radziwill, right, and Carole's friend, a jeweler and face yogi.