By ANDREA HIGBIE


In full-blown phobic grandiosity, Aviva went all Jack Nicholson on Ramona Singer and Sonja Morgan's substantial asses Monday night, calling them white trash and then, for no good reason, playing the Jack Nicholson card -- you know, that old card that's been dragging around since 1992 -- and accusing them of, well, you know what.

"You can't handle the truth!" Aviva Drescher shrieked at her "Real Housewives of New York" colleagues. 

That truth being that the "ladies," to use the term as loosely as Sonja uses herself (bonjour to you, Tomas, the Countess's sloppy seconds), did not roll out enough dazzling red carpet to welcome and applaud Aviva when she finally deigned to land -- oh, how very brave she was! -- on St. Barts, clenching her Reid blanket. 

 

"Oh, thank you, thank you, Reid, for bringing our friend, Aviva,"  Aviva (no one's friend) demanded that Ramona and Sonja should have said to Reid, between licking his shoes straight through to his toes.

Alas, Ramona and Sonja did not, and would not, as they were busy cavorting drunkenly (Sonja, toplessly -- a preview of the full frontal and rear views foisted upon us in this 15th -- 15th!!! -- episode's last minutes) in that very same sinful pool, at the St. Barts villa that was ever so much nicer than the RV's and California RV parks inhabited by their feudin', cussin' "Real Housewives of New Jersey" comrades, ever on the wrong side of any bridge and/or tunnel.

Despite telling everyone that she was well over her last crisis (the one preceding the current crisis -- the flight and the shoddy, shoddy welcome, in lieu of a party, which she'd expected), that crisis being Ramona and Sonja's blowing off Aviva's charity event, Aviva was far from over it, far from over anything. 

 

(And certainly you know, knowing Aviva, or even just knowing about Aviva, what her charity had to be for.  Hint:  Its got legs, or the lack of them.)

Regarding the no-show incident, Aviva had no choice but to wail to Ramona and Sonja: "It's not about me.  It's not about my charity.  It's about THE CHILDREN WHO ARE MISSING LEGS."  And wail about it over and over again. 

The charity event was a spinning class, an irony that went unmentioned.  No foot in the mouth for this crowd, thank you.   They have enough to do pretending they've got silver spoons in there.  

 

The Countess's "Money Can't Buy You Class"  played to spur the "Real Housewives" spinners on, a musical choice that could have been amusing to them if only they had a sense of humor about themselves.   The Countess acted as if the event planners were paying due homage to her, which was, in itself, amusing.   As we've seen for five years now, money really can't buy you class, though these ladies really think otherwise, at least about themselves, privately.

Money can buy you Internet access, however, because after Aviva called Ramona and Sonja "white trash," Ramona had to Google it, just to be clear on exactly what kind of slur Aviva was visiting upon the two drunken bumpkins.  Drunk as she was, though, Ramona was not altogether too tipsy to realize that Aviva was playing Jack Nicholson.

The only similarity Aviva shares with Nicholson is that he's a human, and, like Nicholson compared with his co-star Tom Cruise, he is a taller human than Tom, just as Aviva is taller than Ramona.

For whatever that's worth.

The Diva Aviva was creepily stuck in the past, in some late 1980's, early 90's vortex, in which she was sentenced all hour long to spout quarter-century old clichés -- "Denial is not just a river in Egypt!" -- as if they were brand-smacking-new witticisms.

While his wife played a hybrid Miss Priss/Debbie Downer (we can summon up the past too!), disgusted by the drinking, the sex and everything else carrying the slightest hint of fun,  Reid Drescher (husband/blanket and anti-Daddy Dearest, the antidote to Aviva's first husband, Harry Dubin, a younger version of Daddy Dearest) worked the vanity end of things, doling out high praise to Aviva at every turn -- so beautiful, so fabulous, so courageous -- while tsk-tsking the wild ones, those he called "Overweight, Old Ladies Gone Wild." 

 

Listen, Reid:  Aviva is the same age as everyone else.   She looks, however, older than everyone else (see photo below).  The party girls  seem overweight to you and Skeletor Aviva because they don't have your wife's single-leg advantage on the playing field scale.   Ninety pounds is an unrealistic weight for most two-legged women.   And, fashionwise, draped in that long brown see-through dress thing, Aviva doesn't have a leg to stand on.

 

Hey, Aviva:  You tried to hook your Daddy Dearest up with Sonja, the woman who'd already had a go with your ex, Harry Dubin.  If that's not white trash, you tell me what is. 

 

And while Ramona and Sonja may not know Jack Nicholson, and he may never be a friend of theirs, they've seen his movies and heard the gossip, and they know, Aviva, that you're no Jack Nicholson. 

 

Sonja Morgan, left, and Ramona Singer: "So, how do you spell 'white trash?'"

 

Aviva Drescher: "Just the way it sounds!"