"Come ye children of blogs, ye faithful graduates of posting boards and ancient chat rooms, let me show you the way.." A.H. 

Twenty five years ago if you would have said "I'm blogging about you today," I would have either gotten you a cup of warm tea and called a doc… Read full post »

 "OS is like a black hole. Kind of scary, but really, really cool. If you don't watch it though, it can crush your entire existence into a single, timless void from which there is no escape." - A.H.

Most of you have already received the Email that I'm leaving OS.

This… Read full post »

"Political Views are like Sniper Targets.  They're good for one thing. Being shot down." - A.H.

I like love being right.

In fact, the only thing I like more than being right, is for other people to agree with me.

The only thing I like more than that? When… Read full post »

"If you had to choose one thing to have with you if you were locked in a dark room full of snakes and clowns, I'm willing to bet it would be a flashlight." - A.H. 

Nothing humanity has ever created or ever will create, can equal the greatness of the… Read full post »

Toilet Trouble

 by Andy Heizeler

"Hey, it's a toilet!"

"At a yard sale, Harry. Forget it."

"We need a new toilet, Marge, ours plugs up all the time!" pleaded Harry, approaching the porcelain artifact.

The man in the broken rocking chair watched Ha… Read full post »

"Babies are like that thing on Aliens. At first it's just a curiosity, then it comes out in a bloody mess and kills everyone." - A.H.

You want to go green?  Try using a condom for a change you replicating reprobate!

Look, I get it. You have the biological and… Read full post »

 "Cultural Diversity seems like a great idea. Right up until the cannablistic head hunters move into your neighborhood and invite you over for dinner." - A.H. 

Put down the Kool Aid and slowly back away.  Take a deep breath and realize that you've been programmed to b… Read full post »

THE VACUUM CLEANER

  by Andy Heizeler

Rage.

I can’t remember ever feeling this much rage before I died. 

Now it consumes me.  If I believed in a soul, I would feel it burning inside my electronic heart.

There’s the dog again.  He doesn’t even hide f/… Read full post »

 "Hey everybody! Look what I created, an android that looks just like me.  What's that? What is he doing with that knife? I don't know what...aaarrrggg." - Weird Scientist Guy Above.

Androids. Fracking evil, stupid, androids.

What in the name of all that is holy would possess s… Read full post »

 

 "Atheists are like hair spray. They serve some sort of silly aesthetic purpose, but puppies are blinded in the process." - Andy Heizeler.

Animal sacrifice is a good thing.  Of course athiests disagree with this and other rational approaches to reality.  That's because a… Read full post »

An eternal battle.  Not, as depicted above, between squirrels but between them and us. Not to the death, but for honor, for glory and in the end the elimination of our own ego.  I speak of course, of the art of trapping squirrels, and why we should persue this as a… Read full post »

"Stare into the shadow of those black eyes, touch the darkness from which none return and know that your soul is condemned in its regard." - A.H.  from the screenplay "The Springloaded Menace"

 Toasters.  Americans are obsessed with thes… Read full post »

The Apartment

by Andy Heizeler 

Tim scrambled to the sink, breathlessly setting the cold water lever at an angle of thirty five degrees away from the central faucet. 

Behind him the curtains waved from their recent adjustment, the sound of the toilet's&nbs… Read full post »

DIE HUMANS!

Cats are to blame for all of the problems facing humanity today. It is not speculation, it is not paranoia, it is a fact. Behold, I bring you the truth!

It begins in Egypt.  There cats were worshipped.  Why? because cats exert a very special form of mind… Read full post »

"I'm here to kill the enemy and smoke cigarettes, and this is my last cigarette," - A.H. (in tribute to Roadhouse)

No one is safe anymore.  They're everywhere. The White Tailiban. 

I didn't ask for them and I don't want them here with their cowardly sl… Read full post »

"Ha ha ha! We play in your silly snowman guts!"  

I'm back!  Sorry I was gone so long, (what like two, three days, with some checking inbetween?) anyway, it's good to be here again near the warm fires of home.

Though it sucked to be deployed, it was important that… Read full post »

 "If necessity is the mother of invention, then i'm going to be the father of necessity." - A.H.

After spending nine days surrounded by the deep beauty of our natural world with its clear streams, majestic trees and gentle rolling hills, I came to a startling revelation.… Read full post »

"Religion is like ice cream. At first it looks all sweet and good.  Then someone tries to cram it down your throat.  It all ends up in a headache, nausea and possible projectile vomiting. " - Andy Heizeler

You're wrong! That in a nutshell is why religious peo… Read full post »

"We are now the most popular nation in the world.  Popular equals cool. Everyone wants to be cool, why not give them the chance?" - A.H.

The United States of Earth.  Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? 

You can't turn around these days without someone crying "Imperial… Read full post »

 "Chinamerica is the new Branjelina" - A.H.

I don't know about you, but I'd really like to see some "Change" here in America.

Real Change.

China Change. 

If we all vote for "China" as a write in during a special election, it would really get things going around here.

We're arme… Read full post »

      "Trust not in God, but in your Cell Phone.  It shall comfort you and keep you and bring you low before the reaper." - A.H. 

We all know that Cell Phones don't cause cancer.  That's left up to burnt bbq, cigarettes and being bor… Read full post »

 "I can damn your soul, blow your mind and save your ass. Welcome to the future baby."

Our Government needs more money.  It's out there waiting. Here's how to save the country in six simple steps.

 Step 1. Federal Prostitution Agents.

Look, congress is already screw… Read full post »

"The single greatest mystery facing humanity today is the dissapearance of over 3.8 million socks over the last ten years." - Doug Heizeler

Doug was my brother.  He's gone forever now, lost in the quest for the ultimate truth; the answer to a question the rest of the scie… Read full post »

 Hello AR-15!

Everyone who is not already a member of the NRA seems to think it's bad for some reason.  This drives me insane, because personally, I can't think of a better organization, save for Bob Barker and his spay and neuter y0ur pets thing. 

First off,… Read full post »

War! Heh, What is it good for?

Die, Slimy Freaks, Die!

Oh I don't know, saving us all perhaps?  Don't think so? Wait until THEY come for us, and THEY will be coming, I assure you.

Think about this.  In WWII we nationalized our economy and mobilized the largest and… Read full post »