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Andy Wolfenson

Andy Wolfenson
Randolph, New Jersey, United States
December 04
I was advised not to tell
Author of the recently released "In His Ex-Wife's Defense," as well as "Deadly Fantasy: A Baseball Story," "In His Own Defense," and "Bloggin' Baseball (from the bench)", all now available on and Kindle. Frustrated wanna-be sportswriter who, in his spare time from traveling from the office to other work locations and attempting to write a succession of wildly-successful novels, occasionally pens blogs about sports, the Yankees, and other topics.

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MARCH 9, 2010 1:13PM

Faulty Butt Implants Lead to Hospitalizations

Rate: 4 Flag

“Women hospitalized after receiving butt implants” 

            - headline from Page 3 of yesterday’s Newark Star Ledger 

              That’s the kind of headline that screams for reaction. Swift, funny, “you’ve got to be kidding me”-style reaction. But(t) rather than simply making cracks about the article, I decided to sit on it for a day and try to make less of an ass of myself while examining its storyline.

              It seems as if a half-dozen women from nearby Essex County were recently hospitalized after receiving injections of silicone in their hindquarters by unlicensed doctors. Apparently this wasn’t the same silicone which inhabits the breasts of Hollywood’s elite, mind you, but was rather more like the caulk used by contractors to seal bathtubs and sinks. And when that caulk got under the skin, et voila!, infections resulted. The women, who were seeking big, juicy bottoms to cram into their jeans, were instead left with abcesses and infections which likely resembled the bumpy peel of a lemon as opposed to the smooth skin of an apple. That’s probably not the look that they were going for, and the added benefit of having an ass impenetrable by water was no doubt of little solace. 


It also brought to mind a story from last year, when a model from Argentina died after having various surgeries, including butt injections. So yet again, we are forced to ass, I mean ask, at what price beauty? Or more to the point, at what price booty?


“I like big butts”

            - Sir Mix-a-Lot


The idea of maximizing one’s gluteus maximus was famously romanticized by Sir Mix-a-Lot years ago in his ass anthem, “Baby Got Back”.  It glamorized the idea of having a big “booty”, one that could be ogled by the legions of rappers who placed these women in their videos to shake their money makers for the world to see. And what role models these women became. I can almost picture the conversation between a plastic surgeon and a woman seeking to make her hourglass figure into a three-hourglass figure:


“Doctor, I want an ass that the men can eat off”

“You mean clean? Why don’t you just bleach your asshole like Tera Patrick did years ago?”

“That’s not what I mean, silly doctor. I want a shelf in back. I want to be able to stand up, let some guy balance a tray of food on my ass, and then let him eat off of it. And there’s got to be enough room for a napkin and silverware. I don’t want no slobs, you know.”


“Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin’ world go round”

            - The late (and gay) Freddy Mercury


            Confusion reigns, however, because in a world where women are literally dying or harming their bodies to gain a more rotund posterior, one of the most-hyped TV shows last year was “Dance Your Ass Off”. That show seems to be directly contradictory to the world’s new-found giant ass craze. So why are the people from that show trying to dance it off, if others are mutilating themselves and paying untold sums of money to have a bigger one? Maybe this is merely one of life’s eternal questions.


            Perhaps it is because the celebrity big-ass quotient has risen (or expanded) so much in the past few years. Two of today’s biggest pop-culture icons, Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian, burst onto the scene as a direct result of their “larger than life” rumps. And while J-Lo can presumably act and sing, and Kim can, well, uh, Kim can … oh well, you get the point. It’s their asses that make them famous.


“My body’s too bootylicious”


            Some might make the same argument for Beyonce. But she really can act and sing, and both her face and the rest of her body are stunning also. Did you watch the Grammys? When they did the 3-D Michael Jackson movie thing, the only thing that popped out of the screen at me was Beyonce’s tremendous chest. Is it really any wonder that Jay-Z yells out “yeah” and “ha ha” over and over during his songs? He’s just one really happy dude.


            But in the end, it appears that I have been living with a pioneer, a woman well ahead of her time. Because one can argue that my wife has long been at the forefront of the “we should all have a big ass” movement, at least she has been for our twenty years of marriage. My current weight is about 180 pounds, which means that she has (in a manner of speaking) a far bigger ass than any of these women could have ever dreamed of. 180 pounds is an awful lot of caulk tubes, you know.


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I thought you were treading on dangerous water when you brought up your wife, but you pulled it off. Whew!

What price booty, indeed. Well done.
Jane - thanks so much and thanks for reading.

Pilgrim - thank you also - and it was a little dicey but you gotta push the boundaries once in a while.
Luckily for me
and the world
I already gots an ass
you can serve drinks on
Thousands of years from now archaelogists will excavate graves and marvel at all the sacs of silicone left behind.
Connie - another place to put one's drink? Always appreciated.

Poppi - so true - and now the medical-grade silicone will be joined by the non-medical type from these women's asses.