“American Idol” sucks this year. No question. It is a horrible train-wreck of a show that, for some reason, still appeals to the idiots of this country who would not know true entertainment if it hit them over the head. For now, at least. But even that will change pretty soon, if my plan comes to fruition.
I know that there are people who blog weekly (and seriously) about the show, and who take the time to break down each contestant’s performance. I won’t bore you with that here. Suffice it to say, with all due respect to the show’s remaining fan base, that none of these people, except for the Janis Joplin-type woman, could even hold their own in a local Karaoke contest.
I watched part of the show last night with the girls, switching between the Yankees’ game and the horribly boring recap of the previous night’s putrid warbling/butchering of the previously wonderful songs of Lennon and McCartney. Poor John was no doubt not just rolling over in his grave, but spinning like a top as contestant after contestant offered their takes on songs which were recorded long before any of them were even born. At least one of them should have sung “Your Mother Should Know” to underscore the ridiculousness of the situation.
In any event, the big “suspense” last night ended when the judges used their all-important one “save” to keep “Big Mike” on the show for one more week. Wow!! My heart is still all aflutter over that excitement. OK, not really. It may amount to little more than a one week reprieve for this year’s Ruben Studdard wanna-be (so he too can have a career which is limited to an appearance every couple of years on future “American Idol” shows), but at least it keeps the cultural diversity of the show intact for one more week. And if anyone thinks race wasn’t the primary motivating factor behind keeping the big lug in front of the cameras, then you simply don’t understand the needs and desires of the corporate sponsors who drive all that is “American Idol”.
The reality is that the contestants, except for one, all stink. Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell have become little more than parodies of themselves. Kara Dio-what’s her name is simply trying to look more vixeny week after week, with some modicum of success. And as for Ellen DeGeneres, I can’t even think of the words to describe what a mistake it was to put her on the show, unless the producers’ intent was to make the show suck so bad that people would stop watching. Perhaps Mel Brooks had a hand in her selection – “The Producers”, get it?
This past week brought us Passover, which recalls the liberation of the Jews from bondage in Egypt and includes, of course, Moses receiving the Ten Commandments and bringing them forth to the Jewish people. The second Commandment states that “You shall not make for yourself an idol”. Ironically, at no time was that more true than right now with this stable of talentless people.
So it is time to put the proverbial final nail in the coffin of the industry that was once “American Idol”. And with Simon packing up his tight t-shirts and moving to a new show, how better to end the insanity than with a new judge who, even more than Ms. DeGeneres, will be so bad that even the die-hards will find the show completely unwatchable?
I have the perfect choice for such a judge – the man who single-handedly killed (or assisted in the suicides) of three formerly iconic shows from the ‘70’s, ‘80’s and ‘90’s. The man who, through his perfectly-coiffed hair and sparkling smile, brought down the institutions known as “Happy Days”, “Love Boat”, and “Married With Children”.
For the new judge, I offer you:
Ted McGinley, television’s answer to Dr. Jack Kevorkian, it is again your time to do that voodoo that you do so well. It’s your fourth seek and destroy mission. Don’t let our ears down. The fate of the television world once again rests in your hands.
And Ted, please accept our thanks in advance. This one, more than any other, is a mercy killing.