God, I’m pissed and sad. Okay my family had a chat with me. They think I’m in the wrong. But tell me am I wrong? Look when I was younger my mom would always be sleeping or working. She wouldn’t talk to us only yell. She would get mad when I wanted to hang with friends. But now she wants to be there. Which I cant be okay with because she was there when I was a kid I don’t want her now I wanted her then but now she mean nothing to me. I know I’m becoming bitter. I can feel it. I’m starting to igorne things. But this week there dragging my face through all the problems. I don’t need that. Ive been crying so much this week and I havent been taking my pills because there not working. I’m so pissed. Because my cousin came over and said I have to forget the past but my heart and mind dwell there. I mean I cant even forgive my own mistakes. How the fucking hell am I suppose to forgive my mom? They tell me that I should say sorry and tell her I love her. But I don’t I have very great dislike for her. I don’t need her I rather live on the street away from everyone. Even my own sister is against me on this.
Also they were saying I need to control what I say but at the same time they were saying that I cant hide what I feel. Wtf!!!??? Also they say I need to take my pills. But its not working. Its hell at school and at home. Pills aren’t working. I’m going to see my consular on Monday im going to tell her all this. I mean really there attacking me even though they say they arent. But everything they say is just making me more angry. They see I’m hurt but there siding with my mother. I hate my life I want to die. I don’t even care of religion anymore its not saving me from pain. Nothing worth living for. I mean life is to hard for me. I’m alone and sad in this stupid world.
My mom said the only way I can see my friend is if I learn to love myself but I’m so cold now that my heart is gone. I have no love for anything or anyone. Just for my friends. Also my family says there there. But I think fuck you. Your all betrayers.
Life not worth living for. But I don’t got the guts to end it. I wish someone would just see me and pull the trigger I’m done with this shit.
The elder of my church are going to come see me. I’m going to tell them all my sin and I hope they censor me I cant take being a sinner anymore. I cant take the pressure of being a Jehovah Witness. If god day comes and I die its his will. I mean if we are all born and he knows our future then that means he wants to kill. Because if he was love then he wouldn’t have let those who are going to die in his day be born unless he wanted to kill something. I’m someone he wants dead. So be it because I want to be dead to. Just make all the pain stop.
Oh btw Fingerlakeswanderer I’m not being abused. I know what that is and I know I’m not anywhere near that. But thanks for your concern. *hugs*
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Comments
My mom was very... off. She had terrible mood swings, she slept for days and days at a time, she abused prescription pain killers (thus the sleeping), and worst of all, she took out her anger on me, my sister, and our dad. Terrible things, terrible things she said to us.
I went through school feeling totally alone and alienated from everyone. My parents yelled at me for not wanting to spend time with them, and I'm thinking, why the fuck would I WANT to spend time with you? You're evil!
I'm about to turn 22 in a few days, and I still feel like I'm crazy messed up in the head. But it's better. I'm stronger than I used to be, or at least I'm trying.
I don't know, I don't have any super words of wisdom for you. But hang in there. And hop over to my blog if you want a friend!
:)
Listen, ask your counselor if she could arrange some family counseling to go along with your personal counseling. Sounds to me like your family loves you but may not know the way to talk to you and express their love.
And, you know, most of these meds take perhaps a month or more to do their magic. So, take the meds they give you to give them a chance. To give yourself a chance.
It can take a while to find just the right med. Your counselor will help you.
They love you, honey. Just human and subject to not being perfect all the time.
Keep writing to us.
You, my dear, are a brilliant young lady with far to much swimming about your mind. Your heart is SO big. You need to let your mind and heart work together. We have both to counter-act and combine forces so that we don't feel too much and we don't think too much.
You know you need your mom. You feel you can be without her. You are right on both accounts. Your mom knows she needs you. She feels she is losing you. She is right on both accounts.
Start your meds back up. You weren't supposed to stop them even if they were not working. That can cause a lot of the BIG feelings you are describing.
Talk to your counsler.
Breathe.
Practice your coping skills. Read. You have time.
The fact that you are FEELING your anger and articulating what you want so clearly may be a step that the meds ARE working-- keep taking them and discuss it with your counselor Monday. Sometimes when you're in counseling, it feels like a step backward when you start acknowledging the pain and anger, but it's really a step forward.
Hang in there.