Well it has been a looonnng couple weeks.  Here's the breakdown:

I broke up with both the guys I've been seeing.  One dumped me via text, I ended things with the other one.  I stopped seeing my shrink after we had a sort of disagreement.  I lost my job last week abruptly, and quite brutally.  All in all, this has been the most abysmal time in recent memory.  I feel about as bad as I ever have.

I feel nauseous, depressed, and angry.  Just really forlorn.  I know that things will get better.  I will date someone else, I will get another job, etc, but right now I just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.

I have been very fortunate to have so many great people in my life, both in good times and bad.  My friends and family members have been my rock and I am so thankful for them.  I met with my friend Chris on Friday after I was fired, just hysterical, and he talked me off the ledge.  He is such a good human being and I am so grateful to have him in my life.  I worked all a film all weekend, and the old friends and new friends I was with provided distraction and a shoulder all at once.  Again, I am a very blessed girl in the friend department. 

I have been wanting to drink.  Badly.  The last two nights in a row I dreamed that I was drunk.  I remember holding a glass of red wine as vividly as if it were happening in real life.  That is not a good sign. :/  Alcohol is an easy escape.  It is certainly a way out.  I am glad I have a month left before I hit the year, because it will give me time to deal with what's happening without making any rash decisions. 

I am just so hurt.  I am tired of feeling like a throw away.  Guys throw me away like garbage without a second thought, and I don't understand why.  My boss, who I killed myself working for, just showed me the door without even a hint of emotion.  Even after I worked my ass off for him.  I just feel like whatever I do, it's not enough, you know?  Some of my friends said, "It's not me, it's them," but it is so hard not to take it personally when things like this happen.  It is so hard not to feel betrayed, ashamed and worthless.

Ugh, God I feel awful right now.  I have been a roller coaster of emotions lately, but this is where I've landed.  It is not a good place, and I am trying to find my way out.

I have gone to two AA meetings in the last two days.  I knew I needed to do something, and thank God those are free!  What seems to be a common theme in those meetings is that helping others actually helps us, heals us.  It is an easy concept to grasp, but hard to actually implement.  I am going to try to do something every day this week to be of service to someone else, and to get over myself and my bullshit. 

This too shall pass. 

Here is something I have been given three times in the last week.  Think that's a sign? ;)


Lord, make me a channel of thy peace;that where there is hatred, I may bring love;that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;that where there is error, I may bring truth;that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;that where there is despair, I may bring hope;that where there are shadows, I may bring light;that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;to understand, than to be understood;to love, than to be loved.For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.Amen.

Thanks for reading.