There was just one rule I gave myself before I went: no lying. Of course, disguising my normal appearance in any way counts as lying. So I just wore what I had on that morning, which could count as some kind of liberal uniform: ancient Chuck Taylors, a head wrap made… Read full post »

Here's what I imagine the first day of school was like for my oldest child, who is now a seasoned first grader. She arrives at her new school and into a class of 20 children. The teacher has no aides or help of any kind. Five of the children speak little… Read full post »

Back in April, after months of problems with severe anemia, an ultrasound technician finally located an actual medical problem. There was a growth that was not a baby in my uterus. Mind you, this was on April 30.

On April 30, I was still a young girl of 40, naive… Read full post »

My father was a genius. When he wanted to build something, he drew a picture, drove to the hardware store ONCE, and built it. He built furniture, a greenhouse, put beds in the back of our 70s Child Abductor van, and constructed a cat enclosure in the backyard to protect the… Read full post »

I was sitting in the back of the rusted-out truck with my father, who was probably drinking a can of some awful beer, and a big meaty guy who just happened to be blind. The truck was going faster than was probably wise across a cow pasture located in Sanford, Maine.… Read full post »

I hear that a lot. "Pretend that you are the mother, and I am your kid." I try not to take this personally. Just like I try not to take it personally when they take a turn being me and say things like, "I AM FREAKING OUT" or "OH GOD" or… Read full post »

Today I am driving you to the hospital downtown so that you can have parts of your throat removed. You snore so goddamned loud that no matter where you are in the house, everyone can hear you at a volume that makes it difficult to sleep through. And you feel like… Read full post »

God himself knows that I am not blessed with that certain something that makes a good cook. That certain something being a combination of patience and the ability to put together flavors and textures. Also helpful is a good memory so you can avoid past mistakes. I have none of these qualiti… Read full post »

My tweens and teens and early twenties, a time I personally call The Golden Age of Stupidity, I spent a good hunk of every summer in Maine on Lake Sebago. My dad's side of the family all hails from Maine. Growing up, my brother and I would try and get my… Read full post »

When Jack Bauer gets a hangnail, he puts his chin up and clenches his teeth. He rips a piece of his sleeve off his shirt and skillfully applies a tourniquet just below the nail. The camera makes sure you know that he's getting things done, even with his devastating injury! The… Read full post »

I lived in Washington, DC, during the Y2K fearfest. Living and working amongst old federal government computer systems and dozens of ads in the paper seeking grizzled mainframe programmers to fix 2-digit years, I was never completely sure whether or not to worry about Y2K. Being a worri… Read full post »

I have recently learned how to turn the tables on tampons. I myself am no longer embarrassed about the purchase of tampons, panty liners, maxipads, condoms, or pregnancy tests. Some young cashiers of the male persuasion ARE embarrassed about it. I was tipped off the last time I thought I wa… Read full post »

So yesterday, I'm MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS driving my kids to school, and the little one is freaking out, because 2-year-olds are completely obsessive compulsive, and I was in such a hurry that instead of obeying her orders I:

1. Switched a light off before she had completely exited the room.… Read full post »

Thanksgiving of 1993 was a dark time in my life. I was 25, separated from my first husband (who was, and still is, as far as I know, a miserable alcoholic), and alone in the world. My brother is in Texas, my parents are in California, and I am in Washington, DC.… Read full post »

Some weekend observations:

 * A five-year-old could suffer lip cramps resulting in said lips falling off her face--painful, permanent disfigurement--before she got tired of saying, "Poop." This theory of mine is completely repeatable, scientific community. All you need is one five-year-old and o… Read full post »

This post brings up many more questions than answers. In fact, I take a vacation from providing any answers today, and I pledge to you, the reader, that even when asked what's for dinner tonight, I will feign complete bafflement.

 Some days I like to tarry at the elementary school after my… Read full post »