- California, US
- October 10
MY RECENT POSTS
- Reflections on Vacation
July 28, 2010 12:09AM
- Help Ken!
June 14, 2010 02:23PM
- A Simple Plan
June 02, 2010 11:59PM
- I'm OK!
March 22, 2010 02:49PM
- Undercover Mother: Me at a Tea
March 14, 2010 07:40PM
MY RECENT COMMENTS
- “There are a couple of
schools of thought here. Some
June 14, 2010 04:42PM
- “You came back the same
day I came back! Sorry you're
with all this
June 03, 2010 12:12AM
- “High frickin larious!
Rated before I even got to the
April 14, 2010 12:45PM
- “Reading this post is a
rollercoaster of emotions.
hilarity, then we
April 01, 2010 12:41PM
- “I hate when I have to
even weigh my actions against
March 31, 2010 01:24PM
- MY LINKS
This is just a short post that I can't possibly keep inside of myself. Ladies and gentleman, I'm tired. I'm tired like I just gave birth to octuplets tired. Like back of the car at 1 a.m., age eight, after a late night at Aunt Junie's. I was so tired, that… Read full post »
I haven't written about my health problems recently because, let's face it, there's nothing more boring than hearing about someone's health problems. So I try to keep my mouth shut unless I'm talking to a senior citizen, and in that case, I jaw about that crap for hours as a defensive… Read full post »
My father was a genius. When he wanted to build something, he drew a picture, drove to the hardware store ONCE, and built it. He built furniture, a greenhouse, put beds in the back of our 70s Child Abductor van, and constructed a cat enclosure in the backyard to protect the… Read full post »
Most families have weird little things about them they'd rather not share with the general public. Of course, I write about them here. There are no secrets between us, but I'm talking about people that we have to face everyday and actually look in the eye. People that have some sort… Read full post »
"Mom, the cat's face was broken so I put tape on it." says the Little One.
We are eating at the dining room table, with a tablecloth and a centerpiece and a bottle of wine, because we have company.
We all stare at each other at the table, but I don't… Read full post »
It is no surprise that modern life often makes taking care of general biological functions difficult to schedule. Add two children on top of that, one with the Black Plague, and four jobs between us, and you've basically got chaos.
So last night, when the baby monitor went quiet, angryhusband and… Read full post »
I remember reading somewhere that the way we experience time is really just a function of our brain, which is why, when we are facing life or death situations, time seems to s l o w down allowing our brains to process very long strings of profanities before the moment has… Read full post »
I think it was October 2008 when I stopped watching the evening news and obsessively looking at CNN.com. I felt like if I left the house, a school shooter would kill my family, or a logging truck would roll over on us, or an asteroid the size of Connecticut would cut… Read full post »
I know I've been out for a while, but it's not because I was on special assignment in Sri Lanka for the Washington Post or deep undercover for an old friend in the DEA (although Tijuana is lovely... never), I'm just doing the stuff that people do: skipping showers, "mopping" floors with… Read full post »
I was sitting in the back of the rusted-out truck with my father, who was probably drinking a can of some awful beer, and a big meaty guy who just happened to be blind. The truck was going faster than was probably wise across a cow pasture located in Sanford, Maine.… Read full post »
Squirrels are not the people you want around you when things get stressful. They don't handle bad situations well. Have you noticed? In the road they hop across it very efficiently until a car comes close, and then they go absolutely bananas, running around in circles as if they're trying to… Read full post »
You may think I have a lot of balls coming out here from San Francisco and calling people weird. Yeah, I've seen the Bay to Breakers (aka Balls a Flappin'). I saw a guy in a pink leotard riding a unicycle down Fulton. I saw some karate students in full karate… Read full post »
I hear that a lot. "Pretend that you are the mother, and I am your kid." I try not to take this personally. Just like I try not to take it personally when they take a turn being me and say things like, "I AM FREAKING OUT" or "OH GOD" or… Read full post »
The best job I ever had was working out of someone's house across the street from Ocean Beach, in San Francisco. It was the best job I ever had for a lot of reasons. First off, I could ride my bike there. Second, the smell of the ocean, the sound of… Read full post »
My friend Lisa and I realized that this would make a pretty good T-shirt:
I WISH I'D KNOWN EARLIER THAT AYN RAND
I posted last week about the dark cloud that was sitting over my head. My refrigerator broke, and I couldn't get anyone to… Read full post »
Today I am driving you to the hospital downtown so that you can have parts of your throat removed. You snore so goddamned loud that no matter where you are in the house, everyone can hear you at a volume that makes it difficult to sleep through. And you feel like… Read full post »
God himself knows that I am not blessed with that certain something that makes a good cook. That certain something being a combination of patience and the ability to put together flavors and textures. Also helpful is a good memory so you can avoid past mistakes. I have none of these qualiti… Read full post »
So the other night I'm lying in my comfy, comfy bed flipping through basic cable straight out of the wall. Have you noticed how your behavior changes when you don't have a TV guide to help you keep the channel changing to an efficient level? You can't just get all the… Read full post »
My tweens and teens and early twenties, a time I personally call The Golden Age of Stupidity, I spent a good hunk of every summer in Maine on Lake Sebago. My dad's side of the family all hails from Maine. Growing up, my brother and I would try and get my… Read full post »
So although I don't have colon cancer, I don't know what I have. What I DO know is that slowly, week by week, I become less and less attractive to Sir Mixalot as I continue to drop weight. My love affair with food is on the rocks. Nothing sounds good. Not… Read full post »
I have this problem. Call it a personality quirk. At a crossroads, I get stuck and confused. Like a Roomba on a barstool, I spin around wondering which path I should take, accomplishing absolutely nothing. On the job, this means if I have too many things on my to do list… Read full post »
I'm not spilling about my procedures until I get the results back, and the medical community is taking their sweet time about it. Because I feel like a ROCK STAR right now, I take this all to mean that nothing is seriously wrong. So, on to more important things.
Last week,… Read full post »
I realized yesterday that both of my children were operating under a gross misunderstanding about how the world works. As they sat in the backseat playing with some farm animal figurines, I snapped out of my morning space-out hearing the words: "Drink out of my butt! MOOO!"
This is when… Read full post »
Do I need to tell any of you that this post contains offensive personal information about my bowels? If that's OK with you, read on! Otherwise, maybe don't. Especially if this would spoil any sexual fantasies or meals you might be in the midst of.
-----------------------------------------------… Read full post »
When Jack Bauer gets a hangnail, he puts his chin up and clenches his teeth. He rips a piece of his sleeve off his shirt and skillfully applies a tourniquet just below the nail. The camera makes sure you know that he's getting things done, even with his devastating injury! The… Read full post »