Musings of Anna1liese

Dream Hope Breathe Believe
OCTOBER 26, 2010 7:11PM

Dance of Joy, Dance of Joy

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Lil Bit
 
 

 

Who was it who taught you to dance your dance of joy?

So happy and excited, always you made us smile. 

Always wanting to be close, closer, closer still, 

You danced your dance into all of our hearts.

 

*****

 

I sent a question to a friend:

If I lose her, can you come, are you near?  

How to ask.  How to hear.

 

Moments later, I heard his yes.

 

*****

 

My little lovely aging one, my seventeen year old little bit of Lhasa, little bit of God knows what, seems to be drifting away.  I watch as her world comes closer to her.  She needs my hands to bring her near, to lift her or to lay her down.  How few days ago, she was eating as she hadn’t eaten in such a while.

 

Suddenly food does not call her name.  Little tiny meatballs, I learned to make for her, only Thursday roused a dance.  Little bits of chicken now cause her nose to lift and eyes to look for what is there.  Then she can not keep it down.

 

Having heard from my kitty man that he is near,  I breathe a bit.  If I lose her, he will come and break the ground.

 

For now I wait and watch and let my little lovely aging one know that she is not alone.

 

Maybe I am wrong and it is just one more rough patch.  Just now I catch her eye.  It is clear and she knows I am here.  I am not going anywhere. 

 

*****

 

Saturday to Sunday morning she has slept calmly snuggled up to me most of the night.  

 

Sunday is a long, long day.  I don’t want to leave her side.  Please will you eat?  Please will you drink?  Nothing is staying inside.  I know where we are.  I can’t give her her pills.  I don’t want to put her through any more tests.  

 

Sunday to Monday morning, only bits and bits of sleep.  Always struggling to get up, moving to the edge of my bed.  Sometimes I bring her to her water bowl.  Sometimes I bring her back to me.  She lies back beside me and for little bits more, she sleeps.

 

By morning, though, I can not help her drink.  I bring her to water she sought herself only hours ago.  Her drifting has moved on.  At 0300 when I am sitting up with tea, she settles down beside me and drifts into a peaceful sleep.

 

This Little Bit has been so many parts of my life.  I do not want this call but it may be mine to make.  She has given joy all her life.  When her all is all, may I help her find her peace.

 

*****

 

Why is it that when the heart is full to bursting, words do not, will not, can not come?

 

*****

 

A long weekend watching and waiting and loving my lovely.  “Let her tell you”, my kitty man said.  

 

Yesterday, Monday, I took her outside to all she knew there for her to sniff and breathe once more.  I held her for the longest time and rocked her on the swing.  My head understood what my heart could not hear.  

 

*****

 

I held her and rocked her and sang to her and talked to her until her little heart beat no more.   

 

*****

 

Yesterday, my kitty man’s wife held me as I held my little dog.  Late in the afternoon when my little lovely had gone, he came and made the grave.  She rests there now in the space she loved.  This heart that loved her squeezes and aches even as it knows that had there been no love, there would be no ache.

 

This grief is raw and everywhere.  She has been so much of my life.  Better to feel grief than to lock it away.  Better to feel grief that love may find its way home.

 

Had there been no love, there would be no ache.

 

I am holding you in my arms and we are rocking in the swing.  The sun is shining and the birds are singing.  I am holding you in my arms and we are rocking in the swing.  Thank you for all you have given me.  I love you so.  I love you so.  I am holding you.  I am holding you.

 

*****

 

Who was it who taught you to dance your dance of joy?

So happy and excited, always you made us smile. 

Always wanting to be close, closer, closer still, 

You danced your dance into all of our hearts.

 

Who was it who taught you to dance your dance of joy?

 

 

 

 

 

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thinking of you and holding you and praying for you
It was your love which brought her dance of Joy.
Her dance of Joy was Her Love answering Your Love.

You made me feel your Pain.
I offer you my Prayers and my understanding.

You said it so well.
"Had there been no love, there would be no ache."
The tears just come. Heart squeezing and catching your breath. We won't see that dance of joy in the kitchen any more, but the dance of joy is in our hearts and our minds. That little booger dog will always be in our hearts and our minds. We will remember all those dances and the happy heart she gave to us. You have let her go and not been selfish to keep her when she was failing. She is at peace and with Mother and Pookie and BJ Honeycutt and she is there where she can chase all the squirrels her dancing heart desires. I will always smile when of think of her dance of joy. We always laughed and loved her all the more.
Oh dear friend ... I am so very, very sorry.

May our love and prayers hold you tight right now and may treasured memories of Li'l Bit bring a smile to your face again very soon.

"Had there been no love, there would be no ache" .... beautiful words ... so very true.
Oh, I am so sorry. My heart hurts and I know yours feels empty. We love these little pets of ours so much, even when we know we will one day have to say goodbye to them. But you know she still dances the Dance of Joy. Much, much love to you, my friend.
She has given joy all her life.

What a wonderful life.
Thinking of you anna1liese, understanding now where just some of all that love you share came from.
Sending love your way and offering prayers as you grieve the loss of a love and waiting for the heart to fill with love again and find it's way home.
The unconditional love a little joy like this gives is very hard to let go of.
Wishing you peace and a reprieve for sleep tonight Anna1. Love and thoughts...
She is beautiful and sweet, so very sorry. Love to you.
I'm so sorry that you guys have lost your little dearie - this is such an adorable photo of that gentle sweetie. What a wonderful tribute. I miss you, my cousins! I'm thinking of you and hugging you in my heart!!!! xx Susan
Let her beautiful memories fill your heart in her physical absence, and rejoice for having had and loved her. My heart aches along with yours, and I reach out to you with love and comforting thoughts.
sweet lil' bit, lots of love, lots of fun, all that cuddling. big hug.
Such a lovely river of words for your dear joyful one.
what a lovely little angel and what a loving tribute. yes, they do say grief is the memory of happiness and tonight my heart aches for the loss of your little one.
So very, very sorry for your great loss, anna!
Thank you for sharing moments here. Perhaps this month has given me gifts of truth. Most of all, a simple truth - love is love is all.

Vanessa, Thank you for reading all these pieces as I have made my way. I have felt you here with me piece by piece. Thank you for your strength.

non religious christian, Thank you for these words.

peparcheo, We will remember the laughing, the dancing and the love.

Kate, Thank you for your thoughts.

Susan, Your words make me smile.

Kim, Some words echoed for me as I wrote them here. Words that matter most to me. Sometimes I think that love is the only gift I have to give.
Anne, Thank you for these words.

Rita, It is so very hard and yet, I know how lucky I am. I thought of you this morning and last when I went outside to be near her and lit a tiny fire. Helps me to watch the flames dance their dance of light and warmth.

l"Heure, Thank you.

Susan, I love this picture, but right now I see it and I cry. Thanks for your thoughts and for the hug.

FusunA, Lovely words these. Thanks so much.

dianaani, Always. Always. Thanks.

heidibeth, She was my dear joyful one. How lucky I am that she came to live with me.

Antoinette, Thank you for reading and sharing such beautiful thoughts.

kitd, Thank you.
Oh my Anna, I am so very, very sorry. You said it perfectly in your tags "there is only love and when the pain lessens, there will still be all the joy love brings".
her spirit will be with you always and will find you again. ily
Thank you, Fay.

reann, Always you make me smile. Always, even when we cry.
Beautiful writing and sharing...
heartbreaking. I know that feeling. Sending you the best.
Oh anna...my heart is breaking. You've made me cry on a Friday afternoon. You brought it to life so well and it caused me to look around the room for my own cat and dog just to see that they are well. I have been through this with pets. It is so hard. I know the ache you are describing and no words I have will soothe you. Time is the only thing that can do that. Eventually the things that bring a tear to your eye now, will make you smile as you remember your little one. My daughter, at this moment is staying with a 20 year old dog that belongs to one of my husband's employees and she is so worried that something will happen to him before his owner returns from vacation. He is spritely one minute and shivering in his bed the next so she has been on an emotional roller coaster for the past two weeks. These little creatures become such an important part of our lives and losing them is so painful. My thoughts are with you on what is bound to be a rough weekend. Take care.
This was so wonderful. I am so sorry.r
Patrick, I appreciate your coming to share.

Caroline, Thanks so much. Am so grateful to have had her in my life.

Puddle Duck, I understand your daughter's concern. They give us all they have. You are right about this weekend. The hard hours are still so close, but then I breathe and see her joy. Thanks so much for your words.

hugs, Many thanks for your thoughts.
I weep with joy that you have known such love.
She is gone. The love is still here.
I weep with joy that you still know that love.....
sky, Thank you for helping me focus on all the love and all the joy. Many, many thanks today.
Anna, I regret that I missed this when you posted it, as I would have liked to offer my condolences when you grief was fresh. I've lost dear pets, and it is as if a part of me has been torn away, leaving a void that heals ever so slowly. But heal it will, and I hope you are enjoying better days now.
Matt, Thank you for your words and your understanding of the void. What a place she has had in my heart. Now to remember the joy.
Oh so so sad...but such a gift they are! I still miss my little black street cat furfaced angel. Hope you are in a better place with your sorrow by now. Sorry to be so late to give you my sympathy. Because they love us into our best selves...I find I sometimes miss them more than humans who drift in and out and disappoint. Love to you. xo
Oh, Annaliese I am so, so sorry! I am just now getting to read yours and RJ's posts and I'm sitting here in tears for both of you. There are no words I can say to ease your pain. You said it best yourself, if there had been no love, there would be no ache and there was definitely love. Hugs to you.
Oh Muse, Still hard, but what a joy she was for me. They do love us into our best selves. What a perfect thought. Thank you.

Simple Shutterbug, Definitely, there was love. Definitely.