I've been having this nauseous feeling, followed by a burning from the pit of my stomach to the top of my throat. Also, I have been extremely tired. These sort of symptoms should be reserved for those who are undergoing cancer treatment not their caregivers. I had thought that maybe these were just sympathetic symptoms, until I had a gagging self-realization. Helping my friend Patrick through these cancer treatments was the first selfless act I've ever done.

Selflessness is a term that was thrown around often by a guru I had in the 80's at a community in Boulder Creek, California. We learned to be selfless by contributing to the community garden and working long hours in the various businesses that supported the community. We fasted, did yoga, tried to learn "group consciousness"and meditated all in the name of ascending to that next level, while trying to love more. Though I think the concepts were noble, I don't think you can learn in your head what needs to come from your heart in a very real way.

Having a child, filled a hole in me I didn't know I had. Unconditional, motherly love was a welcomed feeling. As a parent, you sacrifice, but there are so many rewards in return, you can't really call it selfless.

I have contributed money to starving children in third world countries, handed out food to the needy at Thanksgiving or a hungry backpacker passing through town, and given my time to service projects at church. But until this day I have not really understood the difference between "good works" and "good samaritan works ".

I have battled in myself with the "I-just-can't-do-another-thing" speech to "I'm-just-not-doing-enough" refrain. Feeling guilty because, "I'm-not-the-one-who-is-truly-suffering". This is just one person I am helping--How did Mother Teresa do it?

So this is what love is. Agape love.

a⋅ga⋅pe

1. the love of God or Christ for humankind. 2. the love of Christians for other persons, corresponding to the love of God for humankind. 3. unselfish love of one person for another without sexual implications; brotherly love. 4. love feast (defs. 1, 2).

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Origin:
1600–10; < Gk agápÄ“ love

It doesn't matter what I think Patrick should do or whether or not he listens to any of my suggestions when it comes to something critical as cancer and the therapy to cure it. It is his life and his body. The only reason I would want to push any of my ideas on him would be to relieve my pain, not his. That is why I have felt so lost. To just be there for him, knowing that I can't really do anything to cure him, is a very helpless position. It's sort of a forced vulnerablity that seems to strengthen you. Not expecting anything in return, not knowing from day to day how the treatment will effect him, places you in such a poignant "now" time. There is a knowing that I may have been born for this very purpose, and this in and of itself is mind boggling. Some unseen force from the very beginning has been pushing us together in an unseemly way. How can you have a relationship when you've known someone longer trying to get better from illness, than you have known them healthy? How does a friendship develop from such a shaky foundation?

He has said that no one has ever treated him so well. I have always felt that I needed somewhere more to put my love. And yet we have both struggled, me to keep the love pouring out and him to receive it. In the midst of all this agony something beautiful is emerging. Both of our hearts are expanding. Ever true is this from I John 4:7

Beloved, let us love one another, because love is from God;

everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is Love.