I almost always hate 3D movies. I find the technology distracting and end up spending way more time thinking "wow, there's something else popping out from the screen into my brain, again" instead of actually being able to consider and appreciate movie as a whole. A lot of 3D movies seem to spend more time on those distracting "Check it out! It's 3D shots"-- the obligatory trhrowing an apple towards the screen scenes --  rather then telling a compelling story. Plus, I wear glasses, so wearing a second, giant plastic pair on the tip of my nose is uncomfortable.

There's a huge number of 3D films heading our way in the next few years. /Film just put out a great, comprehensive list of all of them, so I went through and picked out the ones I most dreading the arrival of. Check back tomorrow to see the five I'm actually looking forward to (this was going to be one post but hey, I got carried away...)

Five Upcoming 3D Films to Avoid

1. G-Force (7/24, 2009)

Proving that a lot of talent does not a good movie make. Sam Rockwell, Tracy Morgan, and Penelope Cruz, three of my favorite actors in their respective fields of drama, comedy, and nudity, lend their voices to the titular super ninja rodents in this pandering Jerry Bruckheimer shlock. The trainer managed to induce more winces from me per second then I thought was possible. The real hint: the mole voiced by Nicholas Cage, who become the most reliable indicator of mediocrity in film. He's like the ex your still a little hot for -- yeah, you kind of want to see them again, but you know it's going to end in anger and tears.

I get this as a kids movie, but I doubt even the little 'uns will find any magic in this, 3D or not. 

2. Shrek Forever After (5/21, 2010)

Really? We need another one of these? I enjoyed the first one as a broad family comedy, but the second one was already getting tired, and the third one was such a mismash of triology-burnout cliches it completely squanders the charm of the concept (although what a weird freakin' cast.)

But of course, why come up with new ideas when you can run a franchise into the ground. Even if you don't plan on seeing this, you know that the inevitable run up (Shrek limited edition candy! Shrek sings on American Idol! Shrek vomit-green collectable Slurpee cups everywhere!)  is going to ruin your trips to 7-11 for a few months. 

The title seems to tease you with this being the end of the Shrek Saga, but never fear, there are coins to wring from this narrative corpse: 2012 will see Puss in Boots, the criminally unnecessary spin-off of Antonio Banderas' popular(?) Puss in Boots character. And to add insult to injury, it's a prequel.

3. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: Nemo (2011?)

Oh. God. Why. One of my favorite books is being destroyed (again) by Disney (again.) The great all-powerful McG, after destroying the Terminator franchise forever (and simultaneously executive producing the not-at-all-bad Chuck and Supernatural) is helming (wordplay!) the take on the Jules Verne tale, conveniently ditching all the actual Jules Verne stuff in order to capitalize on name recognition while churning out another middling slog of unending camera-winking.  

Example: McG's desire to cast Will Smith as Nemo, which proves that McG 1) cares about nothing but sticking the most popular faces in his movies, and 2) can't read. In the books, Nemo is Indian. Even The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen managed not to screw that up (and man, did they screw up literally everything else.) Grab someone from Slumdog Millionaire and let someone else take a turn at saving the world besides Will. Or better yet Naveen Andrews.  Let's all take a moment and consider how awesome that would be.

Here's your Captain Nemo, McG. You're welcome. 

4. Step It Up 3D (8/6 2010

This boggled my mind. Apparently the 2006 stereotypes find love through dance! retread did not terrible at the box office: $114,194,846 internationally, pretty good fora movie that only cost 12 mil to make. The sequel, Step Up 2 The Streets continued the "let's pretend thirteen year old girls titled the movie" trend, did even better, grossing 148 mil worldwide. (Box Office Mojo)

Still, I don't think that anyone looked at this movie and said wow, this is a story we can tell compellingly with 3D technology. We all know they thought, hey: people watch this dancing shit, and we can charge them more to watch it in 3D. With everyone plopping down an extra two bucks (or more, with the proliferation of pseudo-IMAX)  for a slighty bigger screen size or two cents disposable glasses, they have a much nicer profit margin. It's the use of technology at it's most base.

Plus, it's clearly just a rip-off of the far superior Save the Last Dance. Two Words: Julia Stiles! Admit it, you cried a little. 

5. A Christmas Carol (11/6, 2009)

 Let's think this through for a second. You thought it would be a good idea to use the same, optically assaulting "motion capture" technology that plunged the audience into the very depths of the uncanny valley in Polar Express, and use it on a less original story. There have been at least six big screen adaptations, countless tv movies, and more Very Special X-Mas episodes of sitcoms to count. Heck, even the muppets did it. So why revisit it again? Oh, because you think audiences will sit down to any family piece of crap during the holidays just to have a couple of hours without shopping and cooking and screaming kids. And, hey, you're probably right.

 This time they'll be creepifying Jim Carrey, who's completed the arc from underdog comedian to box-office gold to dramatic force to dangerous moron with his very public campaign discouraging vaccinations because actors think they cause autism. Which they don't. Then, for some reason, Gary Oldman. (A personal note to Gary Oldman: be more selective, dude) Did I mention they're both playing three roles? Because nothing says Christmas like disguising cheapness as cleverness.

Runners Up: The Dark Country ("Lady, I'm Tom Jane");  Hoodwinked 2: Hood and Evil (Now with Panettiere!);  Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore iIs that suppose to be a Pussy Galore joke? Because if there's one thing kids love it's vagina puns); Guardians of Ga'hoole (stop giving Zach Snyder money, please); The Smurfs 3D (too easy)

 Check out the full list of upcoming 3D movies at /Film. And check back later for 5 3D films I'm actually looking forward to.