AnniThyme

AnniThyme
Location
California,
Birthday
August 30
Bio
I'm just ... me. And this quote, from John le Carre, really resonates with me: "Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen."

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Salon.com
JULY 7, 2011 6:33AM

Uhm. So. HI!

Rate: 10 Flag

Yeah. I know. It's been awhile.

I SWEAR I've been doing much more than feeling sorry for myself. But, seeing as how it's an anniversary and all, I have to do the obligatory post. Give me a week and I'll post other links to what I've been doing. Promise.

(Also, apparently, I have forgotten how to embed links. HRMPH!)

http://www.youtube.com/embed/VastXQ_hPb0

It has been 6 years.

6 years that have gone past in a blink of an eye.

6 years that have lasted a lifetime.

5 years, and 359 days ago, you passed. (Or, as the family jokes, Nana killed you as part of her master plan.)

 

But it was 6 years ago that I found you.

 

And I still feel fucking guilty for leaving you alone.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is this -

_________________________________

 

It's been 6 years.

 

6 fucking years.

 

6 years since I re-opened that painful scar that I thought was healed over, after Mom left us.

 

6 years of re-depression (after working so hard to getting closer to fine. And actually, ACTUALLY, being fine.)

 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/HUgwM1Ky228

 

6 years of wondering, "What the fuck?!"

 

6 years of acting that everything was okay.

 

6 years of fake-smiling.

 

6 years of brushing everything off.

 

6 years of saying, "Yes, I am hurt. But no, no. No! REALLY. It's okay. I'M okay."

 

6 years of pretending.

_________________________________

 

I miss you as much today as I did then.

 

But at least, for the most part anyways, the immediacy is gone.

 

The raw hurt is now just a dull throb.

 

It's just something that I live with, yanno?

 

But I think that, for you, the immediacy never left. Not once Mom was gone.

 

I think that, for you, the raw hurt never dulled.

 

And I think that, for now, for the first time ever, I understand.

 

I really understand.

 

I really understand your grief.

_________________________________

 

Now? Now I really get that Mom was your only woman.

http://youtu.be/TYJGfrKQ7nU

Don't get me wrong Pops. I know - down to my marrow, my heart, and my soul - that I was your baby girl.

Shortly before you died, you started opening up to me. And I to you. I thought we would have a few more years, at least.

 

But we didn't.

 

I remember stealing the mixed tapes you made. (It was my secret way of tapping into your life.) And for the longest time I thought that this song, which you put on all of your tapes, was for Mom. It wasn't until later, much later, that I realized it was for me.

 

And the first time I realized that? I cried like a fucking baby.

 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/9-n3Ydy7ras 

 

So then, as now, I know that you thought I was lovely (even though at times - most of the time - you wanted to kill me.)

I just hope you knew that I thought the same of you.

It's been 6 years.

_________________________________

I've never liked the number 6.

(I may be putting myself out on a ledge, but? I really fucking miss you. And I love you, Dad. I just wish I had the balls to say it to you out loud, while you were still alive.)

 

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Comments

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hey, anni. i missed *you*, girl, and it's good to read you again, even if it's, um, one of your more somber pieces. still good, you know? and the youtube embed - you need to check the box that says "use old embed code." OS s/w, yanno? holding you to that soon-to-come post ...
You look familiar. I know I've seen that cup somewhere before.

Crying like a baby can be good for you sometimes.
I remember your Dad... too. So strange to see on my right
feed Anni-Thyme, and just above you, Lonnie Lazar? Two of my old
favs.
Even on a sad occasion, it's good to see you again.
Ahhh!! :( A great post for the come back!! **slides her a bottle of Dr. Pepper**

Welcome back, missed ya too!! RATED!
Wow, that's some heavy shit.

So nice to see you. I was beginning to think that you forgot about Tonopah. ;-)
Consider this a cyber hug . . . I will raise a glass tonight to you, and to your Pops. Much love, friend . . . much love . . .
Doh! Thanks Candace. I'll remember to check that box next time.

Ah, Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry! It can be good. Purging and all that.

Jane - thanks. Yes. Yes he does hear it.

Triiiiiiiiig! Yeah, apparently Lonnie and I make the odd appearances around the same time.

Stim - good to see you too.

Tinky-winky! You best be sharing that Dr. P! Or I will hunt you down!

Major Mojo, how could I EVER forget Tonopah?

Ah, Owl! Thank you my friend. Mucho thanks.