Here’s a big Christmas treat from my eBook, Farting in Church. Now that the Holiday fiasco is half way over, why not treat yourself to a few laughs. Only $.99. Don’t like it? Re-gift!

A Cubicle Carol

I looked at my schedule posted on the community wall, next to the pictures of this month’s “Team Playas.”  Then looked again, and again.  I shook my head in disbelief.  On the schedule grid, I was marked to work a 12-hour shift on both Christmas Day and New Year’s Day.  When my Team Lead, Kevin, asked me to volunteer to work on Christmas, I declined.  Yet, I had been scheduled. I would take no more.  I scoured the rows of cubicles to look for Kevin to demand justice.

I found him, Kevin, chatting and telling unfunny jokes to the other Team Leads several sections away.  Kevin was a failed standup comic who’s every bad impression and joke held a flicker of hope that Leno would someday call.  He still did open mics at local comedy clubs and always invited his fellow employees to attend.  No one had ever accepted.

“Kevin, I noticed I was scheduled to work on Christmas and New Year’s. You asked to volunteer and I declined,” I said.

“You know, my friend,” he said, impersonating Marlon Brando in the Godfather, “The only way to get Christmas off is to ask for it six months in advance.  You have been here two months, so, I’m afraid there is no way out of it.”  The other leads tittered.

I turned, intending to skulk to my desk.

“And another thing,” he said in his own weasely voice.  “Your call times were great this month, but referrals were, eh, a bit off.”

My main job was to do tech support on the company Internet Service Provider. Not only did we keep our calls below 3.5 minutes, we had to make sales suggestions before closing a call.  You mentioned how they “could save on their long distance calls” by switching to a now thankfully defunct phone company’s services.  If they agreed, you transferred them to the customer sales person. If not, you didn’t. It was up to the caller, not me, to make that decision.  If the caller declined I closed the call.  Each tech rep had a weekly quota and if you didn’t fill it, you could be re-trained.  However, it was much simpler to fire you.

It was as if Kevin wished to wipe my tears away with sandpaper.  No matter what, I would be spending Christmas in a cubicle, not with my family.

As I returned to my cubicle, I passed Lucie, a loud, full-figured, sweet punk girl who for once looked dour.  I knew she got scheduled Christmas and New Years Day too.  Apparently, being voted a ‘Team Playa’ for two consecutive months had no clout.

“I was going to visit my grandmother at the nursing home.  She’s not going to last much longer and my bitch of a mom won’t visit her,” she said, slouching in her chair.  We both entertained fantasies of walking off the job, and flipping Kevin the bird.  Yet, there he was pacing down our aisle.

Lucie and I went back to our cubicle, put on our headsets and took support calls. The call volume spiked and the next two hours I efficiently diagnosed and fixed dozens of problems – login issues, access number requests (this was from the dial-up days), browser crashes. Soon, the call volume leveled off and I could relax. I leaned back in my chair, took off my headset and closed my eyes. Then I get an Instant Message from Lucie.

I have a plan.  It’s perfect.  Will tell after work.  Fa-la-la-la-la-ha-ha-ha!

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