It is a travesty that when we (the collective we) go out shopping for whatever and thus must be assaulted with retail rock. This in itself is a crime against rock, but not what this report is entirely about. Of course, depending on the store you are visiting, it could be anything from the Bee Gees to modern, thumping hip hop beats but no lyrics.

For instance when I walk through the mall I can feel the thumping coming from Abercrombie & Fitch about 12 stores away. It's dark in there, the music is loud and the place is reminiscent of a bar type atmosphere, only everyone is sober. The tables and racks are so close together you can't turn around without knocking something off one or the other. I think they do this as a sort of circling of the wagons kind of thing. So that suddenly you don't care what color it is, nor how shoddily it is made for the price, nor even if it is the right size, you just want to pay for it and get the hell out.

Recently I was at a store. Some kind of discount store which is like a 3rd world country as far as shopping trends and retail radio goes. It was here that I was accosted. Brutally and viciously attacked by "Everybody Rock and Roll." It was an auditory assault like no other leaving me clawing desperately at my ears and diving under mounds of pillows in an attempt to ease the agony. It was cruel, ferocious and down right criminal! Which is why I am writing up this Crimes Against Rock piece. I have been hired on as a field investigative specialist at Crimes Against Rock and this is my first report. (nod to MJwhycha, his high coolness)

I don't know if you have ever heard this song, "Everybody Rock and Roll," but I have provided a youtube clip for the iron clad ears and minds of only the toughest, most hardened rockers. Be warned, it is very graphic and an exceptionally unfortunate characteristic is that it is catchy. Yes it was torture to have to listen to the song, turned up loud, in the store, but worse.... When we left, The General couldn't get the song out of his head and sang it out loud for more than an hour!

This reminded me of a headline I had seen about a year ago on the cover of the ever trustworthy Sun newspaper, that said, "Man has surgery to remove song from head." I had laughed at the time, but back then I had no idea just how serious an affliction this could be. Now I am considering the same procedure.

I don't know how this song, and others like it, can still be considered Rock. I think there is a definite need to reclassify. I mean this song is pretty much a Barbershop Quartet doing a 3 part harmony with cheesy, goody-two-shoes lyrics.

I can't figure out, for the life of me, why parents of the 50's were all up in arms over this music. Are you kidding me? What would have happened if White Zombie had been the first rock band? It would definitely have made an interesting guest appearance episode of The Flintstones, I can tell ya that! There would have been none of this "Twist, Twist," business, although it is a lot more acceptable as Rock than that other namby pamby song.

 

Ok sure White Zombie is more of a Metal band which is Rock amplified, but since we are being generously general with the classification of Rock I am including them here.

 

 When I think about "Everybody Rock and Roll," and others like it, I wonder what music was like before this flavor, miraculously branded as rock, came along. I shudder to think of it! I honestly think Jim Morrison would be rolling over in his grave at this misclassification, if he were actually dead.