I’ve been watching a lot of “network” and basic cable tv lately, since I’m busy in the studio and can’t focus on a whole movie. Half hour and hour-long shows that I don’t mind missing chunks of are the best. That means I’m seeing lots and lots of ads, and I don’t have a DVR to allow me to skip them. 

This isn’t that big of a annoyance since I used to be in the ad business and I like to see what’s coming out of those vp offices, focus groups and bullpen sessions. Even though it's a cynical and client-driven business, it was fun  being a creative in the process and  I like to dissect the current crop of public manipulations they put out. 

So here is the Ad Oracle's newest list of questions spawned by the corporate emanations to the public:

You can tell he's been on the chemo diet, he's so slim and trim, not his formerly pudgy self.  

1. Why is it so creepy seeing Billy Mays continue to hawk products after he’s dead? We see plenty of old movies with long dead stars and and it’s no big deal. But Billy is like a zombie coming out of the grave for you, still showing the signs of his bout with cancer. C’mon, give the guy a rest and put someone else in to push your crap! Even the Sham-wow guy would be less creepy!

2. Where were all these US-made hybrids and high milage SUVs last year when the gas prices were upwards of $5 a gallon. This really pisses me off - they had to have already designed them and made the production equipment to have them show up on the market this fast after the bailout. I’m feeling that the public has been held up for ransom, and I’ll be damned now if I buy one of their Johnny Come Lately hybrid cars. 

3. Symbicort, that damned asthma drug. Astra Zeneca is plastering the airwaves and the medical double-speak is astounding. Does anyone really believe that “medicines LIKE Fomoterol can can asthma-related death” means that Symbicort doesn’t? It doesn’t replace inhalers, it has beaucoup side effects including death, but a woman in a shadow saying “That makes a difference to me” is going to sell the stuff? 

And speaking of Symbicort ads, why did they take Famke Jansson’s voice-over off the ads? Did it sound too much like her and not generic? I half believed that she had asthma and actually used the stuff; I think she was more effective than the new voice over. 

4. Ladies, do any of you really believe that Sarah Jessica Parker or Andie McDowell or any of those 15 year old models use the hair color products that they hawk? There used to be something called “Truth in Advertising” which required the claims made on TV to be true and the products shown in the ads to be the actual product. I don’t believe for a minute that any of these spokes-celebs snap on those latex gloves and slather those chemicals all over their heads themselves. Their hair would look like mine if that were true, not the even, carefully highlighted mane that is obviously touched only by snooty stylists flown in from Hollywood. I’d be more impressed if the ads took a makeover approach and showed everyday women actually using the stuff and looking great afterwards - if that’s even possible. Hence, my loss of faith in Truth in Advertising. 

5. Not to leave out WalMart. YES, your Halloween candy costs 25% less! That’s because you cheated the manufacturers out of 25% of the cost, and then those companies cut 25% of our jobs so that you could get 25% more market share of those unemployed workers! Fuckers!

6. Does anyone else wonder why Lifelock  thinks their people doing testimonials are effective? I HATED that woman who was on the earlier ads, Juanita Wilson. She equated identity theft with rape, complains about lost time (HOURS!) and then when her voice goes into that screechy whine, saying she has to "tell her children no for certain things" - I think, damn, poor kids - no iPhones or Prada jeans! I have zero sympathy for her! I've had my credit card number stolen, and yes, it's a pain in the ass, but she makes me applaud the thief! And the current ads - has anyone else heard that 8 year-olds are getting their credit cards stolen? I'm skeptical and think its just manipulative advertising, but I could be wrong. 

And now for a few positive review.

6. I love the Mini-Cooper ads. Good music, zippy visuals, the car is so damn cute, it’s like using a puppy or a baby, an easy sell. Don’t change your ad agency, it’s working on me. 

7. Finally, another ad that I think is working, even though I know it’s greenwash, is the GE American Renewal ad. I just want to believe that big corporations are creating new jobs and new technologies and keeping it all here. This is an example of a good corporate image ad - know what the viewer wants to hear and then give it to them. I guess they did their focus-group time and are hoping that we’ll be mainlining hope, even though they’ve cut it with deceit. I don’t believe it, but at least some ad agency is making a Clio off it.  

That's it for this crop; Ad Oracle signing off.