Today I am trying to find balance. Christmas is a non-event for me this year, so Christmas Day is nothing special.  I am starting to do bookkeeping, a task that can be done any day, so why not today?  I'm snowed in, so not too many choices. My mood is neutral, cautious, and it helps to have something productive to do. 

I spent 2 hours on the phone last night with my sister, who shares my manic/depressive past around Christmas. We 'get' each other on this subject. I went into detail about how depressed I was, wanting to numb myself, thinking of escape in many forms. She understood, and is in the same frame of mind and the conversation continued in an interesting vein.

We agreed that we are both doing OK right now, and in fact, none of the 5 girls in my family are out on the street or suffering acutely. She is in a loving supportive relationship and is working and contributing. I am about to embark on a fantastic new opportunity, with alot of hope for the future behind it. So why am I so depressed?

 We are both liberals and feeling the stress of the recent election and the drumbeat of political conflict in the media. We are both frightened for the future and what it means for the country. She told me about her new governor Rick Scott's plan to cut the state budget by getting rid of Florida's  libraries. We both moan in anguish. How can we stand to watch this happen. 

But it's still just an undercurrent, below a relatively positive backdrop. Imagine a list here of Obama, Pelosi and Reid's recent advances. And like I said, my family is doing ok. My sister says that she has adopted the mantra of "It will all work out in my favor." It's working for her. 

After thinking about that for a minute, I realized that fear and bad news as an undercurrent is a good analogy. It only takes about 6 inches of moving water to knock a person down or wash away a small car. (as I hear constantly during flood season on the Weather Channel.) When I get this depressed, I let myself drown in those 6 inches, when actually, I can easily move off the road, onto higher ground and avoid getting into the flood of fear.

Really, those six inches of fear are avoidable. We have time to take steps to keep it from being a deluge. Getting into a positive view of the future by invoking a religious/marketing holiday doesn't work for me. Merry is not the word I would use. But determined, confident, committed. Those are words that work for me. 

Have a determined, confident, committed holiday. Believe in yourself and what is right. Help those who are drowning now, by sharing what you can. Make a difference in the world, but most of all, in your family and community.  It will all work out in your favor.