February 18th, 2344
It’s been four weeks now since I challenged Robert to a chess tournament, which makes it about six weeks since we’ve played chess at all. Or, frankly, spoken more than a few words to each other. It is very obvious now that Anne-Marie was correct in thinking Robert was avoiding her. Apparently, he’s avoiding all of us. And, of course, since he’s avoiding all of us, no one knows why he’s avoiding us.
I can’t say I’m particularly surprised though. Robert has always been a very private man – something he and I have in common. One might even call him taciturn. Even in our deepest conversations, he has always managed to reveal as little as possible about himself. For example, I know he’s French, but after almost two years together, I still don’t know where in France he’s from. Or if he’s even from France. He’s got the accent, but that doesn’t mean anything anymore (besides, I wouldn’t know a French accent from a Swiss one anyway).
There’s probably more to it than him just being a quiet guy though. I mean, even if he were the chattiest person on board, there’s me, there’s Mike and there’s Anne-Marie. It’s obvious why he doesn’t want to talk to Mike – he’s a jerk. Why he’s avoiding me is less obvious, but I know myself enough to know I’m not always the best conversationalist. My brain has a tendency to latch onto random side subjects and try to take the conversation in that direction. Even when it becomes clear that’s not what they want to talk about, my brain doesn’t let it go. The end result is that I tend to continue a different conversation in my head while trying to hold down a verbal conversation at the same time. I rarely succeed, and I can see it frustrates people. Myself included.
To the question of why he’s avoiding Anne-Marie, I have no answer. If she can’t figure him out, I doubt any of the rest of us have a chance. Personally, I think he’s a moron for not giving her the attention she deserves. Or, at the very least, the communication she deserves.
Which segues nicely into my next topic: Anne-Marie. I have not seen her in a month, but I can’t get her out of my head. It’s very difficult to concentrate on anything, which is, of course, exacerbated by the fact that there’s not much else to think about. And by the fact that my brain has shifted completely into obsess mode.
Which pretty much sums up my problems with women and why my relationships with the opposite sex are few and far between. I cannot tell the difference between being obsessed and being in love. I can’t tell the difference between being obsessed and being infatuated. Nor obsession and addiction, or obsession and fascination. Not until much later, at least. Then it’s usually too late and both of us get hurt.
So, what are my real feelings for Anne-Marie? I haven’t a fucking clue, and frankly it’s driving me nuts. If my feelings were clearer, my actions could be clearer. While my emotions are still murky, I can’t safely act. I can’t know what the correct thing for me to do is, so I end up doing nothing. And, in any case, I can’t really do anything at all while she’s still with Robert.
But, I gotta tell you, if she weren’t…