I discovered orgasms at a very young age. I never realized how fortunate I was in that. By the time I was 8 or 9 I rode the white pony with regularity. And when we moved into the new house when I was in the 5th grade and I found, hidden behind a half wall in my closet, a Oster massager? Didn't take me long to figure out what that might be good for.
My sister was similarly precocious. We had conversations about what we called "hitting the spot". Don't ask me how we came up with that euphemism. I couldn't tell you.
It came as something of a shock to me when I was 13 or 14 and my mother, who was dutifully teaching us from church approved literature at an approved age, informed me that masturbation ( I finally knew what it was called) was bad and wrong. I spent a few years entertaining the notion that I might be going to hell for engaging in it but it didn't stop me from engaging.
Then I grew up and met and talked to a lot of women my age that had never had an orgasm. I was sad for them. I tried to help them on their way to experiencing one. I gave them catalogues with interesting toys in them. Tried to walk them through their hangups.
Mostly, I failed. But I tried.
I had more hope for the next generation but I'm losing that battle, too.
I spent a disturbing and enlightening couple of hours with my sons ex girlfriend and her best friend talking about sex, love and whether orgasms really exist.
These are two girls in their early 20s who have never had an orgasm. Ever. You can tell because they say things like, "Well sex feels good, but is that an orgasm?"
Uh. No.
They are half way there but orgasms they are not having. I tried to describe it for them and they looked at me like I was an alien. Short of tying them to a chair and going at them with a vibrator I don't know what to do for them.
There has to be a reason for this. Why would I stumble onto it in the early years and others can't find it with a map when they are 25? Evolutionary design flaw? Psychological bullshit mental block?
Whatever the reason, women have a much harder time attaining sexual release than men. That's hardly fair. We get the messy end of reproduction and the elusive orgasm. Maybe if we had killed off the patriarchal tribes back when we had the chance we wouldn't have this problem.
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Comments
Who is "we"? Women? Are you blaming men for some women's "problem" of not being able to find the illusive orgasm?
That, and we tend to leave the seat up after we pee. Damn us all to hell.
Arlene, I'm more of your school of thought/experience on this than Sandra. I have a good friend of mine (from a Catholic family, of course) who has a similar issue. A bunch of us thought of getting her a Rabbit (not safe for work, y'all) for her birthday, but didn't want to put her on the spot. I've basically told her that practice makes perfect, but I don't know if there's any other advice I can give her.
I like what Stellaa says about female orgasm. And while sexual pleasure is a personal responsibility, sex is an act taking place between 2 people, and making an effort to provide the other person pleasure is part of the deal. Lots of men shirk their side. I've read way more jokes about the 'grossness' of giving oral to women than the reverse. Blow jobs for men are treated as a right. For women - I know men in their 40s that still wrinkle their nose in disgust and say "no way!" Married men.
I'd never get any work done! I'd starve. Happily.
I've tried to help friends find their own internal bliss with some success. One suggestion--don't laugh, crowd--is to try not to pee beforehand. I don't mean get in a state of gottagogottago, just enough to stimulate the urethra a teeny bit.
Good god, what have we wrought here on OS ... Sex Wars?
"We" means society. Can you imagine how different the Western/Christian portions of the world would be if we'd never had Paul to deal with? That man had issues about sex. He's probably the reason that while Judaism has evolved into a more sex positive religion, Christianity has repressed female sexuality to absurd degrees. If he'd never joined that particular Judaic heretical sect way back when it still was one...who knows.
Julie-
I'm going to find that book. Something has to help. Maybe that will be it.
Stella-
I'm kind of with Sandra on I'd never get anything done. And probably starve. But the idea of an all day orgasm does appeal. Maybe my next hobby will be tantric sex. I hear you can acheive amazing things with that.
Sally-
I'd never heard the not pee thing. Hmmm. That does explain why the just after you wake up before you get out of bed orgasms are so good.
Some of it is weird hang-ups that came from who knows where. Like my friend who told me she doesn't even like to touch herself there in the shower. But a lot of it is ignorance.
There was an article in Lilith Magazine that someone pointed out to me where they talked about how a lot of women when they went to the gynecologist or doctor were reduced to pointing if they had pain or an itch or whatever because they don't have the words to express exactly where this is taking place.
That should not be happening.
Our position has always been, It's your body, in your control. A stranger may attempt "bad touch," which should be refused and reported. But there's no such phrase for you and your own body.
I spoke up reactively and said "Don't tell her that! Tell her we do that in private or something but don't tell her that touching herself is bad."
It is kind of sad how we pass this on to each other.
I've never liked her anyway. Va-jay-jay is just another point on the line.
Can you say pee-pee, poo-poo, doo-doo?
How can we expect to have adult conversations with people who can't seem to get beyond third-grade euphemisms?
"I can give you multiple organisms" Mario Cantone