Dear Arlene,

I think my boyfriend is lying to me. He told me that he was going to help his friend fix his porch but when I drove by they weren't on the porch and nothing on the porch that is normally there had been moved. I waited an hour and drove by again and they still weren't on the porch. I've never met this friend and I'm worried that my boyfriend is doing something he shouldn't be doing. What should I do?

Signed,

Worried Girlfriend

Dear Worried Girlfriend,

Well, for starters, you can stop acting like a crazy person and checking up on him that way. That isn't sane behavior. Also, it won't fix anything even if there is something shady going on.

It is pretty obvious you don't trust him but without further details I can't know why that is. Has he cheated on you? Does he have a substance abuse problem? If there is some past history that makes you so untrusting, fine, but the thing to do is to ask him directly, not run around like James Bond and try to catch him out. Also, even if there is some past history that prompted your drive bys, it is also entirely possible that there is a reasonable explanation for his not being on the porch.

Maybe he was helping to fix the back porch that you can't see from the street. Maybe they were waiting on someone to come back with materials to begin the job. Maybe they went to get something to eat before they started. I could list one hundred and one reasonable explanations for him not being on the porch. So don't automatically assume that he is up to something nefarious.

Whatever the reason for your lack of trust it is this, not whether or not he was on the porch, that you need to focus on. Most relationships where trust is lacking do not last very long and those that do last tend to be very unhappy ones. If he has cheated on you or has some other issue that caused this insecurity of yours then you have a decision to make. You can either end the relationship because the issue is a deal breaker and making you crazy or you can continue in it and see if he is able to regain your trust.

If you are insecure not because he has done anything, but because you are simply insecure, then you need to do some work on yourself. You can start by assuming that someone is worthy of your trust until they break it. Do not do things like drive by, make phone calls, or otherwise try to catch them in a lie. Those behaviors, aside from making you nuts, will put your relationship on the skids with predictable certainty.

I'll tell you a little secret, too. You cannot stop anyone from doing something that they want to do. No matter how closely you keep tabs on them or try to keep them within eyesight at all times if they want to cheat on you, lie to you, etc... they will. They will make their own choice in that and will be responsible for it. You can only choose for yourself, not for them.

So, talk to your boyfriend. Don't accuse him, but tell him you drove by (once, no need to make him think you are nuts) and didn't see him on the porch. Mention it in passing and see what he says. Or you could just forget the whole thing and wait until he does something that is worth that kind of conversation. Your call.

Arlene

_{Questions can be sent by using the messaging system at the top left of the page or by emailing me at arlene.l.green@gmail.com. Answers will be posted every Tuesday and Friday.}